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  1. #231
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    I agree with what has been said ...totally ...it just scares me that I can't help but feel if I stay it's going to hurt the kids but if I leave it's going to hurt the kids ...but the me leaving is me partisapating in that hurt towards the kids ...I am struggling with all of this and I hate it ...I really hate it ...but that's who I am .. I'm glad I'm not so cold hearted like him ...

  2. #232
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    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledPansy View Post
    If I had any concrete evidence that he was or had cheated then it would be 100% over no questions. ..
    But if he sleeps with other women in the US it really isn't cheating given you aren't together atm. That's why he broke up with you. So he could travel, sleep around and gamble. He never intended you to find out he had booked ahead of time. His plan was all sychronised. Break up with you, but do it gently as he did so there was room to burrow back in. Then go on the holiday he booked months ago and lead you to believe it was a last minute 'finding himself' trip he only just booked. Then he would go overseas with 'his' money, have a ball and have no remorse since you technically are broken up. When the money has dried up from the Vegas trip and he's feeling like a home cooked meal he'll do the "I still love you" and you'll let him come home to the house you are still renting bc he never put in notice bc he planned on moving home!

    I'm saying this not to in any way be mean. But you don't have any insight into your own behaviour and actions and it's crucial for you to recognise what function chasing him and staying with him serves.

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  4. #233
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    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledPansy View Post
    If I had any concrete evidence that he was or had cheated then it would be 100% over no questions. ..
    He has ended it. It is over. He left.
    I'm sorry Op but what the eff does it matter if he's cheated? He has done EVERYTHING else. If he comes back so what???

    I can sense the frustration creeping into some responses. Mine included. It's not because anyone wants to be cruel it's just that people have given you the answers, almost step by step but there seems to be this avoidance or blocker to you taking any action at all. All this worry over bloody Foxtel! Come on Op!

    It must be so incredibly painful for you to accept your marriage is over and the fear of stepping out into the unknown but the reality is you must step up. For your kids. They didn't choose this marriage. They didn't choose this environment. You and your ex did. You must act for them. Put them first.

    Centrelink
    Legal aid
    Housing assistance/rent/bond
    Google is your friend. Use it.

    Good luck

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  6. #234
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    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledPansy View Post
    I agree with what has been said ...totally ...it just scares me that I can't help but feel if I stay it's going to hurt the kids but if I leave it's going to hurt the kids ...but the me leaving is me partisapating in that hurt towards the kids ...I am struggling with all of this and I hate it ...I really hate it ...but that's who I am .. I'm glad I'm not so cold hearted like him ...
    No, you leaving is going to cause far less hurt than if you were to stay.

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  8. #235
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    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledPansy View Post
    I agree with what has been said ...totally ...it just scares me that I can't help but feel if I stay it's going to hurt the kids but if I leave it's going to hurt the kids ...but the me leaving is me partisapating in that hurt towards the kids ...I am struggling with all of this and I hate it ...I really hate it ...but that's who I am .. I'm glad I'm not so cold hearted like him ...
    My mum never left my dad because of the kids (he was not as bad as your exH) and I am scarred because of it.

    Leave. Get your kids counselling. There is more damage being done staying than leaving.

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  10. #236
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    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledPansy View Post
    I agree with what has been said ...totally ...it just scares me that I can't help but feel if I stay it's going to hurt the kids but if I leave it's going to hurt the kids ...but the me leaving is me partisapating in that hurt towards the kids ......
    Do you really believe leaving will hurt the kids though..... or that it hurts you? A number of us in this thread come from abusive homes/divorced parents which is why so many of us say you need to do this for your kids. As I've already said to you in another thread - my parents divorced when I was 7 and even though I was sad, even then I KNEW it was for the best bc they fought all the time.

    You know it's a really unhealthy environment for your kids bc it is. I feel it's you that doesn't want to hurt and the kids are your excuse to yourself.

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  12. #237
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    And before signing off I want to say that everyone here wants to help. I suspect others are going to post saying our comments are upsetting you and you need support. But this is our support OP. Telling you he's a jerk and you can do thisis not want you need. You need to have some understanding of the dynamics of your marriage and yourself to move forward, be it together or alone. There are complexities at play as to why you haven't moved out 5 years, 1 year ago or today. Why you use Easter to see him and then are upset you aren't getting the response you want. Why even though the ladies here have provided phone numbers, opening hours and step by step tangible help you are still mentally and physically there.

    Please take the time to read this thread and others from the beginning and take in all the comments OP. There is a wealth of advice, love and logic in them, and I think it could do you good to re-read your own comments in the context of what others have said.

    Good luck.
    Last edited by delirium; 27-03-2016 at 12:36.

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  14. #238
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    RP I realise my last post was quite blunt. I stand by it, and I wish someone had been as blunt with me during my marriage breakdown. Because in most cases softly softly does no one any favours.

    I just want to add though that, as direct/blunt as we have all become in this thread, we do understand your pain. We understand your uncertainty. We understand you finding hope in every small gesture no matter how minuscule. We understand that even though you hate him, you love him, and that you think maybe it's worth your unhappiness to still be with him somehow, anyhow, because the thought of not being part of his life is physically painful to the point that you can't breathe. We understand the waves of pain, the fear of loneliness, the loss of confidence in yourself to make it alone, the rushes of anger, the way that those rages abate and excuses are made. We understand that you are not blameless in this, because no one is ever without fault, and that you are telling yourself 'well it's not as if I'm perfect either. Maybe if I try harder it will work out.'

    I hate to say this but it's not unique. It's normal. It's part of the process. And after some period of time, you will wake up one day and not give a **** what he says or does. Ever again. You won't care that his sister is there or that he is watching your Foxtel. Everything will just melt away. Until then you have to just ride the waves.

    But the legacy of your marriage will be your beautiful children and the relationship you have with them, and by extension what they have learnt about what love is, what marriage is, how you treat people that you love. What do you want them to learn from you? Because a little pain now in their lives as they adjust is nothing compared to what pain they will go through as adults if this is what they think relationships should be like.
    @delirium has hit the nail on the head with everything she has written today. Please don't feel despondent - we all want you to take the bull by the horns and go live the life you deserve.

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  16. #239
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    I came across an article today - it has to do with the effect DV had on a child. Please read it when you can. You may think you are hurting your kids taking them away but here is the story of someone who witnessed and experienced DV as a child.

    http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/af...1c37792db7d515

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  18. #240
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    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledPansy View Post
    If I had any concrete evidence that he was or had cheated then it would be 100% over no questions. ..
    Stop coming up with excuses not to act. Stop derailing. You can either do what you know is right, and we both know that you know what's right, or you can allow fear to dictate your choices. It's up to you.

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