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  1. #1
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    Default Help with a defiant 5 yo!

    I don't know how to start this post easily to the root of the problem but let me start with DS' profile and history:

    DS is 5 and a Kindy student since this late January. Was very proud of him on the day he put on his uniform for real and marched on with the rest of his friends to Kindy class. However, as time goes by, I realise that he and I need to work on his attitude, discipline, independence, tempers and level of maturity if he wants to learn well at school.

    I'm proud to have DS who has these nice characteristics and traits:

    - well communicator and friendly
    - funny boy
    - sweet and tries to be romantic to his mama
    - quick learner
    - creative and has a big imagination
    - has good memory (I quiz him on many things and he's so good at remembering things)
    - a little boy who has lots of curiosity and questions
    - always fighting for freedom of speech

    However among his good traits, there are these serious problems (both at home and school):

    - a little bit short tempered, cries and gets upset easily, never wants to give up on his whinges
    - more than half of the time never listens to parents or adults (teachers, family, relatives, etc)
    - he hears you but half of the time he disobeys no matter what the consequences are
    - sweet to know at first but he could be a rude, rough and hyperactive boy after you get to play with him for a LONG time
    - he has too much energy that he hardly gets tired (i.e. loves to run around etc).
    - Never the one to pick a fight first, but when he feels something isn't right such as his friend snatches the toy off him or never returns the toy to him, then he would get angry and start making fists moves as if he wants to fight with him (unfortunately this makes DS look like an uneducated, naughty boy!)
    -once he becomes unhappy he decides to become defiant! Both inside and outside home he doesn't hesitate to get angry and often could throw little things to us.
    -most of the times hates instructions and rules such as, when I tell him to turn the volume of the ipad down, he decides to do the opposite, and many more acts like that.
    - Probably gets used to 'timeouts' already (doesn't work anymore) OR I just can't be bothered with timeouts anymore
    - Not so 'mature' inside or outside home and relies on me on many things such as feeding him, getting him drinks, clothing him, etc.
    - Unfortunately he hasn't been getting any lessons on disciplines at home he doesn't do chores and hardly tidies up his toys, unless he decides to follow me to tidying things up because he has nothing else to do
    - Consistently active boy who hates if he has nothing to do
    - hates me getting angry to him and even getting angrier at me if I do so

    I only have one child and don't have much experience in handling kids and I feel like I always see and learn new things from the trouble DS makes.

    In the past i never acknowledged the above problems of DS and believe kids would eventually overcome it as they grow older. However I've finally come to a realisation that DS hasn't really changed since I noticed the his bad behaviours since he was a toddler.

    I've had many people telling me that consistency is the key, but no matter how hard I try (how often I get angry, repetitively explain and yell at him too) I feel that things still haven't worked for us.

    I'd like to get straight to the root of the problem but I just can't read a little child's mind

    I need help!

  2. #2
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    OP, it's a shame you haven't had any replies to this. I could have written it word for word about my 3.5yo DS. Have you had any luck getting advice on managing the defiance? I'm at my wits end.

  3. #3
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    Hi @CountryGirl77, thanks for replying . Yes still at my wits end too. I am still collecting words by words what to describe about him. I am lost really. Well the thing is we went to see a paed for potential adhd syndroms, he wants us to see a family psychologist and ds assessed by a school counsellor for sensory ability. DS' appt with a school counsellor is probably locked in already, but we have not made any appts with a family psychologist yet as I have been busy starting a new job. But i had a call today from his teacher that lately he had been disruptive again in class and progressively worse. The teacher just left a phone msg, i rang the school back but she has gone home. Perhaps i might know the reason why he has been behaving like that... But i am lost too whether what i might think seems correct or not....

  4. #4
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    Default Help with a defiant 5 yo!

    Well, the problem is... From my eyes i see inconsitencies in his 'adhd' behaviour, he is not someone who always shows that he isnt listening or paying attention. He does well in his reading and wrtiting lessons. He is able to remember stuff, recites stories, etc. Can do simple additions (maths) etc. I DID NOT have any reports on his behaviour since this term started, and for an instance i thought he started adjusting better.... So Instead of thinking there are something some mental behaviour problems, sometimes i think his physical factors also contribute... This week he has been having really bad sleeps and forces himself to wake up in the morning when he has not had enough sleep yet. That happens because he has been taking naps after school and unable to sleep at night resulting a much later bed time sleep at night.
    Last edited by bunnymum; 09-06-2016 at 17:36.

  5. #5
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    So im gonna gather some thoughts and words now and get back to the teacher first thing tomorrow morning and see what she says. Any suggestions welcome hubbers!!

  6. #6
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    Default Help with a defiant 5 yo!

    I have read many of your posts. I think the same advice still applies.

    Your child needs rules and boundaries. Even more if the doctors suspect adhd.

    I would suggest a rewards chart. He chooses the prize at the end. It has to be achievable but not too easy to attain. Something like going to movies with you. Reward with your time, not money or food or other prizes. Ignore behaviour that isn't wanted unless it's really unacceptable or hurting someone. Reward for good behaviour.

    I would expect him to at least be taking his dishes to the sink, making bed, unpacking school bag at end of the day.

    How has he managed to fall asleep? Does he fall sleep at home or after school care?
    Last edited by BigRedV; 09-06-2016 at 19:37.

  7. #7
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    I was also going to suggest a rewards chart. We started this with my almost 5 yr old DS1 recently (also kindy kid), as we found we were constantly at him for bad behaviour and wanted to take a more 'positive reinforcement' approach. So instead of constantly focussing on what he does wrong (a lot at this age), we reward him when he does the right thing. We have had some success, although the lure of the reward is greater than the lesson learned - he still needs reminding etc.

    So much of what you've described sounds like very normal 5 year old boy behaviour. Some of it may be more circumstantial or personality driven. Some of the behaviours he will outgrow as he matures. I don't think all the behaviours mentioned are cause for concern.

    I too worry about DS1 with regard to listening. He has early male selective deafness as far as I am concerned! Can't hear me say 'put your shoes on' but open a chocolate wrapper and he's in the kitchen like a flash. I feel like I am constantly nagging but speaking to other parents at kindy I am not alone in this. It's magnified when there are younger siblings taking mum/dads attention away.

    And he gets really upset when he doesn't get his way. Cries like a baby. This is more recent for us though so I think linked to his new baby brother, I haven't been able to pay him as much attention, that and he has just dropped his day sleep so gets very tired and cranky of an evening.

    Sorry I don't have a lot of advice other than the reward chart. I did post a thread about it a few months back before we started if you wanted to read through.

    See if you can get some help or advice from his kindy teachers?

    Best of luck 😊

  8. #8
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    I am just a bit at loss describing DS' situation in his class at the moment.

    For a boy who has been able to do simple 'kids' chores at home such as packing his snacks for school tomorrow, preparing his uniforms for tomorrow morning, knows how to put rubbish in the bin, and his love of spelling, writing and colouring - WHAT is the problem at school that it seems like the teachers are at their wits end?? He is not a child that is hard to be given instructions. He enjoys a variety of tasks at school too such as picking up lunch orders basket, feeding the fish in the corner area, he told me himself he has answered a few smart questions as well! He likes people to think he is bright. He even memorises the names of capital cities at home! He is the kind of boy who dislikes weekends and asks if it's Monday already!

    I have been mentioned a couple of times by the teachers since the beginning of school year that DS problems since early days is that he didn't like sitting down, was very unsettled and liked to wonder around, would often come up to his mates in class in the middle of a lesson and started being chatty and that would cause big disruption to the class. So what is it going on then??

    If the only problem is that to get his butt glued to the floor 100% of the time and his face looking focus to the teacher... what sort of training should I do then??

    I know the importance of reward chart (that's what his class is doing anyway), although we have reward charts, but we have gone slightly out of control, when he does something wrong we threaten him that he's not welcomed to school anymore because the thing that he loves is his kindy and he has not been asking for a toy!!
    Last edited by bunnymum; 09-06-2016 at 21:35.

  9. #9
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    and if there was one thing i'd worry how he would adjust at school is probably his playground behaviour. He is an active boy, runs very fast and once he gets familiar with his territory he is not afraid to embrace it, for eg he told me he would sometimes go up to the basketball court area, or near the trees next to the other side of the school and he said he went there with a few friends... and I told him, please do not go anywhere too far or not supervised by a grown up. I was afraid his braveness would turn into an incident!

    Also another thing about playground behaviour is that he runs very fast and does not care if he falls down. He has tripped over a couple of times and I realise when that happened the teacher on duty gave him advise also not to run, but walk only, stairs are only for walking and he should be careful next time. I'm afraid little things like that would make my DS look dumb just because he enjoys being 'carefree'. maybe his silly behaviour is too noticeable?

  10. #10
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    Default Help with a defiant 5 yo!

    Sorry to be blunt but perhaps the rules at home are very different from the rules and structure of school and he can't understand why some things are not ok at school.

    I seem to remember you commenting in another thread about him jumping off furniture in after school care and getting into trouble for it yet you were brushing it off as acceptable behaviour? Sorry if I'm way off the mark but I think your son could be confused as you've mentioned previously that you have pretty much given in to him his whole life and now he's at school he can't have what he wants whenever he wants and he doesn't like it at all.


 

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