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  1. #31
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    Marie has great advice. I was also the smart kid who did dumb things. The thought of my parents being disappointed in me was the biggest motivation for not going overboard. You don't have to say how you know, but reinforce your rules, reasons, disappointment and sadness. He may not stop everything straight away, but it will definitely encourage him to minimise the smoking/drinking. A big thing for me was I was not allowed to stay at parties overnight, but my parents were always volunteering to pick me up at 12/1/2am. It must have sucked for them but it certainly stopped me going way overboard! If I wanted to stay at a friends house, they would chat to the other parents beforehand, so there was no way to sneak a party past them!
    Good luck, I'm sure your DS loves and respects you. Peer pressure is an amazing force, I hope that working together can help your family overcome these hiccups.

  2. #32
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    I never smoked, though ALL my friends did, and still do. I hated the smell. My parents and most of my family also smoke.

    I did drink from 16, but my parents knew about it- they didn't want me to, but I told them I was. I knew the effects of alcohol, and while I never had more than two or three, my friends did and I wanted to make sure I was safe.

  3. #33
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    I was a good kid who smoked. I never wagged school, didn't steal or anything like that, I got straight As at school and worked hard. My parents would have never seen it coming. I did it I guess just because my friends were doing it too, they didn't force me but I just wanted to be a part of the group. My grandfather passed away from emphysema, it's not like I didn't know the consequences of smoking but at that age you just don't think that far in the future.

    When my parents found out they lost their shiz. It didn't stop me, I just became that much better at hiding it. I think if they had kept calm and had a discussion about the fact that they were worried for my health and future it might have been different. As a teenager you get angry when your parents come down hard on you, whether you're in the wrong or not, teenagers can be irrational.

    I know it's hard but try to keep calm. Remember that although you are very disappointed right now it doesn't mean your son is going to end up throwing his life away. Doing stupid things behind your parents back is fairly typical teenage behavior. I totally get why you're upset though; I'm dreading my DD growing up and having to deal with things like this

  4. #34
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    I don't know what I would do in your position but I really feel for you. I hope to be calm and rational and understanding, but honestly, any substance abuse would just break my heart 😞
    I was also one of those "smart kids" that did stupid things. Smoking and drinking were just some of them. Nowadays a lot of kids are watching porn on their iPhones as soon as they hit puberty, having rough sex, getting addicted to ice.. Unfortunately it seems like they will do it if their friends are doing it and it's virtually impossible to prevent unless they are in military school or something. Honestly, I think the only thing you can really do is try to have a conversation with them that will make them feel safe and comfortable with speaking to you in the future.

    Having said that, my kids are 2 and 4, and who knows how I will handle it when I'm in OP's shoes, but I do remember what it was like being a teenager..

    On a side note, my husband was completely averse to taking drugs or smoking or drinking when he was in high school because he was very serious about his competitive boxing. He was super athletic and even though all his friends at school were taking various substances, he had another group of friends from his boxing club and he was very close with his coach. Being into a sport and having a good older role model who isn't a parent is probably the best way to avoid giving in to peer pressure but not everyone is going to be sporty.. I certainly wasn't!

    I hope it went ok this evening. Keep us updated x

  5. #35
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    I'd be very disappointed and ****ed off if my kids smoked... Even when they become adults. I've never smoked.. My partner smoked on and off for a few years but quite 5 years ago..

  6. #36
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    How did you go op? My eldest is 11 and we have had some wonderfully open conversations.. I worry that such a shock would be around the corner for me 😱. I think I would be so emotional too. So very much so.

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    Last edited by Clarabelle; 25-02-2016 at 21:31.

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    witherwings  (24-02-2016)

  9. #38
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    Last edited by Clarabelle; 25-02-2016 at 21:32.

  10. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Clarabelle View Post
    My husband and I had a very long, emotional discussion with my son yesterday afternoon and after initially denying what I was saying and being very defensive, he started to cry and said he'd done some "stupid things" and he knew it was wrong but was basically just doing what "everyone else does". My husband got very upset and shouted and my son was sobbing and it was truly horrible. I told him how disappointed and hurt I was that he could lie to me so easily and we said that as a family we had made a mistake to allow him so much freedom and trust when it was now so obvious that he was nowhere near mature enough to handle it. I pointed out that if he thinks that it was ok to drink and smoke, how much does he think his judgment was affected after those few drinks. He claims the smoking thing was never something he did, just tried it, and he said he hadn't even smoked a whole cigarette and thinks it's disgusting. I blew it off and said I'm not sure why I should believe anything he tells me. He also said that he'd never had more than 3 or 4 drinks at a time, which I'm also not sure is true. We really thought he was better than this, and I said that being part of the crowd, making the wrong choices is being weak, not cool or strong - just means you don't yet have the strength of character to say no to doing the wrong thing. So I suppose we did come down on him pretty hard, but I feel it was the right thing to do as he needed to hear it.

    Apart from all this, the other emotion I am experiencing is anger towards these other parents of these boys who are too weak to say no to this behaviour, this bloody awful culture we are nurturing of acceptance of underage drinking and obnoxious behaviour and passing it off as just a rite of passage for a teenager. Why? Why is it acceptable to act like a twit just because you're 16?

    I really appreciate the comments and advice I have received here, just feeling very wonky but feel like I have to act confident for the sake of my son, so he knows I mean what I have said. I also said that there will never be anyone who loves him more than his father and I and we will not let him fall without a helping hand. We will do everything in our power to help him with this stage as it is our responsibility and we will not let him down.
    You both sound like incredible parents and your son is extremely lucky to have you both.

    Him sobbing though.. Oh god I don't know how I would cope with that. Big hugs x

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  12. #40
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    Thank you witherwings. It is the worst feeling when you know your child is hurting but you can't really make it right. I just feel we're hanging on by a thread but as long as we have that thread, we have some control. Once it breaks, it will be difficult to regain a hold. Seriously, I wish I could get away from this environment - parts of society are toxic and once a that poison touches you it's hard to rid yourself of it. I made a mistake. I thought my son was stronger and more mature than he actually is and I have learnt a lesson. I now have to hold the reins just a little bit tighter.

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    witherwings  (24-02-2016)


 
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