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  1. #21
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    Last edited by Clarabelle; 25-02-2016 at 21:30.

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    Last edited by Clarabelle; 25-02-2016 at 21:30.

  3. #23
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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    hi clarabelle, ok, first, I would be as calm as I could manage. I would say how disappointed, and hurt, confused, I was feeling. I would say, I can understand how these parties? or hanging out with mates, can lead to stupid behaviour. Ask him how he feels now that you know some of what he has been up to. ? ( You wont know the full story, ) don't come down heavy, don't ban him from seeing anyone or going anywhere, that is not enforceable. I imagine he is big enough to get himself out of the house, without your help. Tell him you love him, and you want him to be sensible and to grow into the wonderful man you know he will be. Tell him he can rely on you, if he has a problem, and you want to be able to trust he will be sensible when he is out with his friends. Really, there is no big deal with one or two drinks, or even one or two cigarettes , but you need to know that he is still in control of himself, and his surroundings. That is how I would handle it. If this was to become an every weekend, or every time he left the house, I would do things a bit differently. hugs, marie.

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    Marie is right too. He needs to know that no matter what he has your support and nothing he can do will stop that.

    Calling you at 330 am is a good sign that he knows that.

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    Last edited by Clarabelle; 25-02-2016 at 21:31.

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    Could he be depressed? Just wondering if he's injured and can't play sport, that maybe that is a factor? Maybe he just doesn't know what to do with himself now? Not excusing it at all (and I would be upset and angry in your shoes as well), but could it be a factor?

    My kids are 6 and 4. So a long way off teenager hood. But I like to think I would sit them down and ask what is going on, and ask if there is anything they'd like to tell me. If they didn't own up, then I'd tell them what I had seen and ask why, how often and explain I was very disappointed they had lied to me and broken my trust. I'd also be asking them to set the consequences rather than me laying down the law. (So easy to be a perfect mother when this is years ahead of me LOL.)

    Good luck OP. I hope you can sort it out.

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    Your next problem is going to be his reaction when you tell him you read his Facebook messages. He will probably retort with the usual "You violated my privacy, etc".

    I have no idea how to best deal with this complication, either!! I would have read them too, in your position.

    I look at my 5-year-old now, so sweet and obedient, and think...it's all going to change, and it breaks my heart. My sister and I were "goody-goodies" growing up, but my younger brothers caused my parents seemingly infinite distress!! Smoking marijuana on the grounds of their private schools in Year 8, etc!!!

    You have my sympathies. If you work it out, come back and give the rest of us some tips!!

    Sent from my SM-N910G using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    Just a couple of quick things re the injured and can't play sport thing. I think it's super important to have them involved in sport / interests etc, surely there is something he can do while injured? Gym sessions, swimming etc?

    I think it's pretty unlikely that the smokes and drinking were one offs, I'd call his bluff and say you know the extent of it all!

    Good luck , let us know how it goes. Ask him what are the ramifications of people who drink too much and smoke . Go through legalities, safety, health etc xx

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    I was a 'good' kid when I was young. I never stole anything, I was kind to people, I didn't get up to mischief with boys. I got straight A's at school too. That didn't come into play where smoking was concerned though. I started smoking at 15 - back in the old days when the legal age was only 16! - and I was drinking at parties from 16 onwards.

    Honestly, no punishment my parents could have given me would have resulted in me quitting either vice at that age. It was the cool thing to do, and all my friends were doing it. The opinions of my older, out-of-touch parents wouldn't have come into the equation at all. I didn't suffer pressure from my peers but I desperately wanted to be one of their group, so what they did I did, for better or worse.

    As I got older and left school, I started making my decisions free from the influence of my friends. I ended up quitting the cigarettes eventually, but not until I was 28. I stopped drinking around the same time, and have not had a cigarette or a drink since.

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    We went through this with sil and now bil. At first we came down hard on her but it just made things worse. Plus dh and I both smoke. Eventually we just lay down some ground rules, like she mustn't do it in front of the little ones or when other people are around, never ever in school uniform or at school events, she was responsible for getting them etc. We weren't happy about it and we didn't like it. It didn't make her a bad kid. Same as it doesn't make your son a bad kid.

    As for drinking, we were again very open about this. We didn't mind if she had a couple of cruisers or similar every now and then with us, at home. Our parents were the same with us and I am still not a big drinker. It took the novelty away for me, so while all my friends were out drinking and getting blind on weekends without their parents knowing and putting themselves in dangerous situations, I had no interest in it because to me it wasn't a big deal to have a couple of drinks, and at least I knew I was safe at home with people who were keeping an eye on me. And sil has gone the same way, she is 18 now and while most of her friends are out getting drunk and doing stupid stuff, she is quite happy to just sit back and have a couple, hit the happy stage and stop. She knows her limit and it's not a novelty for her.

    I guess in my experience they are going to do it regardless. By all means make it known you are disappointed, but also be open about things. Talk with him, open the lines of communication. Ask him why, how etc. Come up with rules together. You never know, just the fact you know may be enough for him to stop. Or at least question why he is doing it.


 

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