Hmmmm. So this is probably more of a little vent than anything, but I know some Hubbers have Mums with either NPD or BPD so I guess I am here looking for ideas or reassurance. This is going to be long, sorry, I can't write short posts, lol
Without going into all the little details - my mother didn't bond with me as a baby and didn't call me by my name or pick me up and hold me for the first six months of life. I was fed, but not cared for. As far as I know she was OK for the first few years after that, but then started a long term affair and lived a double life for many years. She was so self-absorbed that she didn't notice when I went through severe bullying at school and almost suicided at 13 and she finally left when I was 15 and moved hours away from my sister and I, and had very little to do with us for the next 15 years.
When her parents passed she decided she wanted to be near her daughters, so she moved near us, and without knowing any better I let her back into my life not realising the destruction she could bring. She campaigned so hard for me to leave my first husband, twisting everything and projecting her own stuff onto him, that in the end I believed he wasn't good for me and even though I didn't want to leave him, I did. One of the worst decisions of my life that I still regret to this day, even though I have rebuilt a really good life.
When she went bankrupt a few years ago I employed her part time even though I couldn't afford it. She used this as an opportunity to "dump" on me every week, where she gets an issue in her head and she will get almost hysterical and will talk in a very emotional, aggressive way for at least 45 minutes without barely taking a breath, and at the end of her "dump" she will go happily on her way and I can hardly stand up from the stress of it. This was when I was going through repeated miscarriages and then IVF. Eventually (after three years) I had to sack her and another girl as my business went downhill. I also realised that I couldn't take any more of her hysterics and negativity, so I went deliberately low contact at that point.
The funny thing is though, because I wasn't paying her any more, and because I don't have kids, she totally lost interest in me and I would not hear from her for six weeks at a time. I would normally break the drought and give her a call. That actually suited me, so I was fine.
Just recently she's been b!tching to my sister that I don't contact her enough and she said last weekend that she's "written me off". Then she posted this meme on Facebook:
"One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive".
After what she said to my sister last weekend, my sister thinks it is definitely about me.
So far this year I have had about three longish phone calls with Mum, invited her to dinner one night, and had a birthday dinner for a family member. I think that is actually quite a decent amount of contact and not even "low" to be honest. She doesn't call me any more, and instead of picking up the phone if she wants to speak to me, she would rather "write me off" if I don't contact her as much as she expects me to. Apparently she's said quite nasty things about how I must have "barred her" because I don't see her every week anymore.
Now, I am desperately trying to revive my business, I'm going through a court case with my DH for increased custody of my DSS, I run a household and look after our finances for our joint business, we are building a house and I'm also working hard on my health so I can do another round of IVF or move to DE. I'm really busy and don't feel that I need to have my Mum in my life any more than necessary. I feel sorry for her, but she's refused to get help for her issues and I am happier with low contact.
I know she's reacting because I'm not providing her "narcissistic supply" any more, but she's started escalating things and I don't want it to get worse. I thought I'd just call her and act like nothing's wrong (which usually defuses things), but I don't want to get re-engaged into a relationship where there is anything other than superficial contact every few weeks. The party birthday event was a week ago and the b!tching about me to my sister started a couple of days later, so I'd just had contact with her but even that's not good enough. Am I being too mean? Is it worth bringing anything up, or would I just be creating more drama for myself?