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  1. #1
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    Default Pregnant, DH not as supportive second time around

    Just wondering if this is common and I should suck it up or if DH is being unfair.

    I'm almost 8 months pregnant and we have a 3yo DD who doesn't attend childcare. I'm a SAHM and do almost everything around the house, all cooking, cleansing, groceries, laundry etc. DH baths DD when he gets home and most nights feeds her dinner (which I've cooked), we take turns putting her to sleep, often he does it more than me but that's because the one who doesn't put her to sleep has to clean up after dinner and he won't do it. He does the garden every couple of weeks. That's pretty much the extent of his involvement around the house.

    Last time I was pregnant DH was very understanding. I was working then and would often need a nap after work as I would get exhausted. He was very supportive and understanding if he got home and I was asleep on the couch, dinner wasn't cooked etc, if I asked him to rub my lower back or pick up some groceries.

    Second time around it's totally different. I'm exhausted being pregnant and being with DD all day. But when I express this to DH, ask him to get home early or help out he gets all passive aggressive and implies I have it easy being at home and there are women at work pregnant and they can manage so why can't I. At the beginning I sucked it up and thought ok he has a point, I'm not one to act like the world is ending because I'm pregnant, but now that I'm almost 8 months and the back pain is getting really bad I'm getting fed up of his attitude. I don't expect to be pampered or babied but a bit of understanding wouldn't go astray. When I ask him to rub my feet he grumbles that no one ever rubs his feet. I just want to punch him. Am I expecting too much? Is this normal? Am I just hormonal? Should I suck it up or does he need a good kick up the butt?

  2. #2
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    boot. a$s. that is all.

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  4. #3
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    OP this is why I always work up to 39 weeks with my pregnancies. Depending on wha you do, being at home with a child and pregnant is way harder than being at work.

    To be honest I don't think men ever really get pregnancy and how it affects their partners. I am personally someone who just wants to be left to get on with things when pregnant. The thought of someone giving me a massage would send me screaming from the room. And no DH would never come home early from work because I was pregnant and tired. That's just not possible for him.

    But my husband is very involved with the kids. He does all breakfasts in the morning and makes 3 school lunches every morning while I go to the gym. He pretty much does the entire morning. And he gets up to the kids at night and puts all 4 of them to bed if I need him to.

    For me its about the balance. No one should be expected to do everything. Children should have equal time with both parents when they're around.

    What do you expect he'll be like once you have the baby? Do you think he'll take on more home duties when you're tied up with a newborn?

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  6. #4
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    I'm in 2 minds here! Yep, I think he should help out and be more supportive but then again, he's feeding DD, bathing and putting her to bed. For him, he probably thinks he is helping out after a long day at work? What is he like on the weekends? Is he more hands on? Let's you rest whilst he entertains DD?
    Foot rubs and back rubs sorry, I'm with your DH with this one. Does he ever get them? It may be different for me because DH and I are really even across the board (he has his moments where I want to kick him too though) but if I want a back rub, it's only fair that he has one whenever he asks too.

  7. #5
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    My DH is definitely less understanding this pregnancy. He has lifted his game a little now I am 38 weeks but pretty much the entire pregnancy I've had to go on as if I am not pregnant, working and looking after a 4 yr old, it's been much harder than the first pregnancy. I don't think you are alone, not that it makes it right or any easier.

    I totally get you on the defensive comments side, my DH often says 'what about me? When do I get to be tired?' Etc etc.

    I'm not sure what the solution is TBH. If you are really struggling you might need to ask for help from your mother/in-laws/friends etc. I know once I ask for help outside DH suddenly pulls up his socks as he doesn't want to look slack in front of others. Sometimes it takes a change of tact to get them to understand, when all they hear us is constantly complaining about how tired/sore/overworked we are they switch off...

    Also I just stopped cooking a few nights a week. I wasn't hungry anyway and made sure DS had something (eggs on toast... Bla bla) and sure enough DH had suddenly helped out in the kitchen a 'little' more.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyG4 View Post
    I'm in 2 minds here! Yep, I think he should help out and be more supportive but then again, he's feeding DD, bathing and putting her to bed. For him, he probably thinks he is helping out after a long day at work? What is he like on the weekends? Is he more hands on? Let's you rest whilst he entertains DD?
    Foot rubs and back rubs sorry, I'm with your DH with this one. Does he ever get them? It may be different for me because DH and I are really even across the board (he has his moments where I want to kick him too though) but if I want a back rub, it's only fair that he has one whenever he asks too.
    I tend to agree.
    You are pregnant... not sick op! Sorry if that sounds harsh.

  10. #7
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    Very common unfortunately. But I do also think you are expecting too much. Foot rubs? Occ is OK to ask for one daily ? No.

    If he is helping out once home then that's great.

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  12. #8
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    Thanks for the replies. To clarify definitely not asking for foot rubs or for him to do anything extra daily, it's just on the occasion when the pain is bad or I'm especially exhausted and I ask for extra help it's the attitude that I'm encountering that's annoying me. I'm very appreciative of all he does but don't feel it's being reciprocated at the moment. Maybe I'm just being hormonal. I'm not lounging around like a queen or acting like an invalid in case that's the perception I've given.

  13. #9
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    I understand that it's difficult. I too would rather work pregnant than be home with a toddler all day. You are probably working hard and want your dh to understand that you just want a bit of appreciation. Nothing fancy but a hot cuppa in silence.

    But in my experience it's normal. My dh was MIA most of my last pregnancy and it was exhausting.

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    I would maybe put DD into day care a couple of days a week? Give you a break and some excitement for her? You might need it when the baby is here.

    I did 12hr nightshifts on my feet till 38 weeks because it was easier than staying home with a toddler 😄

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