Earlier this year we moved interstate (me, DH and 3 kids) from SA to Qld.
He insisted SA was dead, that opportunities in Qld were plentiful and that life would be better for us all etc. Went on like this for months. I admit that at the time I was quite frustrated with the lack of services available for my son. Waiting some 13 months for an OT and then having issues with the speechy who seemed intent on creating trouble for me with the NDIS...it was a time when I was making decisions based on what was best for my kids, not me.
So we went. Packed up a lot and put into storage and left with the basics.
Landed a house, got my eldest into school, the other into kindy and the other I'm keeping at home. Have been getting to know the town, making friends, generally trying to fit in. I even started attending the local TAFE one day a week. Surprisingly, I really love it.
Meanwhile, he wants to move back.
The town sucks. The house sucks. The area sucks. The real estate agency sucks (which they kinda do actually). Always complaining about the sound travelling from the house (we live in an elevated Queenslander) or that it's hot, just SOMETHING. It's everyone's fault but his.
Just tired of the constant complaining. Then he puts it onto me. I don't do enough around the house, on the computer all the time, there's never any food in the house (maybe if he stopped eating there would be) and I notice that lately, there's been a few six packs in the fridge.
He's obviously at a loose end. But blaming others isn't going to help. And I deeply resent the fact that he has the temerity to point the finger when clearly he's doing bugger all to help himself out of the rut he finds himself in. I've tried to get him to see a GP, encouraged him to take on a hobby, given him free rein to get out of the house and do things, not placed any massive wants on him just that he drops off our son on Wednesdays while I'm at TAFE.
I made a big mistake moving. Because I'm not financially sound having spent a fair bit moving and settling in. I keep thinking that we should have just moved towns within SA. Now that son no. 1 is settling into school, the prospect of moving again is not something I want to do. He needs routine. His life is stable because of it. And I'm alone. So very alone. Not lonely. Just conscious of being very alone. Not the woe is me alone but just the solid realisation that I don't have anyone I know near me, no support and just that inner voice saying 'well you really f*ckd up this time, didn't you..der..'
I'm having a hard time mustering up any sense of loyalty to my husband because I feel he's being a prick, totally devoid of any real sense of how this move has impacted the rest of us and that we moved essentially because he wanted us to. I want him to reclaim his balls and just stand up, stop whinging and have a go at life!!!!! I look at him and think what the hell happened to you?
I have no idea where I am supposed to be. I feel so displaced. I go shopping and I stop in at BigW and head to the book section thinking that I'll pick up a decent book and that'll pick me up out of my funk. Instead I find cheery self help books by skinny, straight toothed blogger-turned-life-coach-tribe-queens who tell you to embrace your inner goddess and master your mean girl and I just look at them and think am I the only one who thinks this is a pile of sh*t? Then I walk away feeling morose because everyone else must get them because they're bestsellers....
I'm giving this town a go because, well I'm here and I don't want to sit in a corner and boo hoo all day. I go for walks, I try to look beyond my immediate circumstances but the crush that hangs onto my heart remains. For the first time I am seriously considering a split from DH. The stress is enormous. Lately, I am always in a state of feeling as though I've gotten nothing done and that I'm doing nothing with my life. My eldest is constantly saying he wants to go home and it breaks my heart over and over again trying to explain to him that this is home now and seeing the expressionless look on his face while he searches mine for answers.