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  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lillynix View Post
    One thing that I was note in these types of threads, is the fear that parents have about strangers harming their children, when statistics tell us, that children are most likely to be harmed by someone known to them.

    So whilst many parents are uncomfortable with letting their child walk/ride to school/the shops or in this instance, use public toilets, what measures are you taking to make sure they are protected from the people they know? Do you let them use the bathroom unsupervised at a friends house (or even your own home) when an adult can still easily take advantage? Do you let them play in another part of the house without supervision where the same thing could happen?

    I'm not meaning to be snarky or argumentative, nor am I trying to suggest that people you know are predatory. It's just that people seem to fear strangers more than they fear those known to them, when that is not statistically the way we should think. Food for thought?
    I used to work for DOCS, so I know you're right. I am fairly confident my family and IL's aren't going to harm my children. I've also been talking with my 6yo DS about his body and no one having the right to touch it, that if anyone does or hurts him, he can tell me even if they say not to. That I'd never be cross or stop loving him etc etc. I'm not sure how I will go when he starts asking to sleep at friends places. A lot of his friends dads are FIFO, so I don't know them well at all. Will cross that bridge when we come to it.

    I hope my previous work gives me an advantage. Every paedo we had come in the office made the hair on the back of my neck stand up before I knew who (or what) they were. Some were step parents/bf's that I just thought were creepy until they were found out. Some came in for interview after being caught without me knowing them previously. All of them gave me a physical reaction. So I hope my gut feeling/instincts and past experiences will help protect my children.

  2. #52
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    I let my dd 7 wee in the cubicle beside me in public toilets - if she finishes before me I let her go out and wash her hands etc but tell her not to go further and to keep talking. Other times I will poke my head in the toilet room and let her go and wait outside at the door. I also let her take her 4 year old sis in with her.

  3. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by Californication View Post

    I hope my previous work gives me an advantage. Every paedo we had come in the office made the hair on the back of my neck stand up before I knew who (or what) they were. Some were step parents/bf's that I just thought were creepy until they were found out. Some came in for interview after being caught without me knowing them previously. All of them gave me a physical reaction. So I hope my gut feeling/instincts and past experiences will help protect my children.
    Wow, interesting.
    I've known 3 pedo's in my life, 2 of them I was a kid so not sure what I could 'tell' or not, though I do remember one being creepy.
    As an adult, the one that I knew, I remember just for a split second thinking that his enthusiasm for his role (childcare), combined with his age, was odd, but I decided that I was just being really really un-PC so I shut those thoughts down pretty much instantly. He was such a nice guy too. Ergh.
    I wish I was able to tell better.

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  5. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    Yep. Getting it but please don't ever think I'm trying to be a holier than though, victim blaming so and so, I'm not and I never have been but please don't try and shut down my instincts.
    My instincts drive my parenting and always have. I have an instinct with this one for MY kids.
    My kids do things that others would cringe at/say no way no how but try not to see their choice to not allow that with their kids as a slight on me because it doesn't matter.
    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    So a question, what protective behaviours do you/will you teach your children?
    Not a hint of snark and something we're continually working through with ours.
    Oh I absolutely wasn't aiming my comment at you about people being judgmental. It's just something I've observed.
    The instinct thing is interesting. I listened to an amazing podcast on fear, and it was talking about how modern life is overloading us with fear inducing episodes that in the past our instincts would never have had to deal with. For most of history, for eg, parents may not have let their kids play by a river because in the past they would have known personally of children drowning, or being bitten by snakes. So that was a statistically likely situation and our instincts tell us not to let our kids do that activity. Now, our instincts can't actually differentiate between that sort of scenario and one where there is a terrorist attack or a rapist. Those are hugely unlikely but our instincts don't know that because we hear about it all the time.
    In terms of teaching them protective behaviours I assume I'd do the same as you, and teach them to try to use busy toilets and try to take a friend, and to always trust their instincts if they don't feel right about something. We expect our kids to be too polite to adults and not assert themselves- I'll teach my children that they don't have to talk to anyone they don't feel comfortable with.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    We expect our kids to be too polite to adults and not assert themselves- I'll teach my children that they don't have to talk to anyone they don't feel comfortable with.
    This is so true and so important. I cringe when I see parents forcing their young children to say hello or goodbye to people. Worse when they make them give people a kiss or cuddle.

    I don't particularly care of if other adults or even family members think I or my children are rude. I will not force my kids to do something they feel uncomfortable with just for the sake of politeness.

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    Quote Originally Posted by binnielici View Post
    This is so true and so important. I cringe when I see parents forcing their young children to say hello or goodbye to people. Worse when they make them give people a kiss or cuddle.

    I don't particularly care of if other adults or even family members think I or my children are rude. I will not force my kids to do something they feel uncomfortable with just for the sake of politeness.
    I had to have a strong chat to my kids about this again the other day. My MIL (who I am suspicious of being emotionally manipulative) makes my 13yo ASD/SPD boy who hates touch and any kind of affection, hug her goodbye, even though he says no. When he says no, she demands a hug, and if he still says no, she cries and asks why he doesn't love her.

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  10. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by binnielici View Post
    This is so true and so important. I cringe when I see parents forcing their young children to say hello or goodbye to people. Worse when they make them give people a kiss or cuddle.

    I don't particularly care of if other adults or even family members think I or my children are rude. I will not force my kids to do something they feel uncomfortable with just for the sake of politeness.
    I agree with this completely. My parents visit very infrequently and last time Mum wanted a hug and a photo with the kids (yanno, so she can pretend to be the perfect grandmother 😏). DS did, but DD didn't want to. She asked several times and nope. I didn't make her which I'm sure annoyed her. But the kids don't know her and I'm not going to force affection from them! If I ask for a hug and they say no, I don't push it. So why would I demand they hug a stranger even if they are family!

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    Quote Originally Posted by binnielici View Post
    This is so true and so important. I cringe when I see parents forcing their young children to say hello or goodbye to people.
    .
    I am the opposite, I expect my kids to at least acknowledge a person. I absolutely do NOT expect them to hug or kiss hello/goodbye, but IMO it is really rude to not reply if someone says hello.

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  14. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by binnielici View Post
    This is so true and so important. I cringe when I see parents forcing their young children to say hello or goodbye to people. Worse when they make them give people a kiss or cuddle.

    I don't particularly care of if other adults or even family members think I or my children are rude. I will not force my kids to do something they feel uncomfortable with just for the sake of politeness.
    It's important for everyone! I have to remind myself of it alllll the time. If someone is making me feel uncomfortable on public transport, for instance, I will often feel reluctant to move out of fear of hurting their feelings or making them angry. We have it so ingrained (especially women, I think) to be nice and polite all the time, that it's often a really struggle to go against that.

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    @FearlessLeader you are right again. I'm exactly the same and struggle to not appear 'rude' even though I may be very uncomfortable. Crazy when you think about it


 

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