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  1. #1
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    Default Newly Single mum

    Hi all,

    Just writing this to look for some support, people who have been here and a little pep talk really... as well as a chance for me to vent!

    My partner and I broke up 3 weeks ago now. We have two gorgeous children together 3 and 7months. We tried very very hard to work through our issues in our relationship including lots of couples counselling however I grew tired of the control and emotional abusive cycles and decided enough was enough. it has left me with some confidence issues and anxiety which I am working hard on to get back to normal. I never pictured myself going down the path of being a single mum of two but I am faced with it now being my best option.

    My ex decided he would move into his fathers. I was planning to stay in our area near the beach but then I got a call from my brother telling me that I should move back home with him and my mother to save money. I asked a couple of times if they were sure about us moving in as we don't exactly slot in quietly anywhere but they both assured me it would be fine. So we broke our lease and started shifting to our parents. I am also heading back to uni this year to do my nursing degree so I figured it would be super smart to save money and gain support where ever I could. I spent one night at mums but my brother cracked it at the noise my eldest made when I tried to get him into bed. The poor little thing had been ripped our of his comfort zone and out of his routine so I don't blame him. The next morning mum asked me to find a new place to live but if I wanted to stay between then I would have to ensure that we kept as quiet as possible at 7pm for my brother. I decided I didn't want myself or my children to feel like we were tip toeing around and that I would leave. I was devastated about the way my brother acted and the lack of compassion from both. My ex asked me to move in with him at his dads until I found a place.
    My kids are happy here at my father in laws, my father in law is extremely supportive and awesome with the kids, they love him. He has graciously taken us into his little unit and told me I am welcome to stay as long as I like. My ex and I have still gone through a break up and are obviously still in each others faces so in this cramped little space things are uncomfortable to say the least.
    My belongings are scattered between various family members garages while I hang out in limbo!
    I am dying to get my own place back down at the beach. My ex is being so negative about it constantly criticizing the houses I look at, telling me I wont cope with two children on my own and that I wont be able to afford it. I'm trying to block it out but I cant help but worry about well... surviving. I'm slowly organising all my funds through centrelink and trying to find a property that isn't a dive or that isn't too expensive.
    Mum has also been trying to help out wherever she can whether it be financially to get me by while I wait for everything to process or just someone to talk to

    Anyways just looking for some cheerleaders. Would love to hear some other single mumma's stories and how they got through it all!

  2. #2
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    Sorry to hear. I was a single mum for a few years, when I first split from my ex husband, my girls were 18 months old and 4 roughly. They are now 9 and 11.

    It's a tough gig, but you will be ok. I moved about 1800km away to be closer to family but that was a mistake as my mother at first had told me she wouldn't ever look after my kids, so I never asked. My brother got me a house as he is in real estate, so that made it a lot easier, but I had no recent rental referees as we had been in defence housing.

    Sometimes I think it's best to get out on your own, even if you have to move a little far away. I don't really like relying on others still. I am now with a lovely man and we are expecting his first, my third and I am happy but even now, I find it hard to rely on him. I pay the rent myself, I have most things to do with the household in my name.

    You can do it. I think once you move into a place on your own with the kids you will be much happier away from the ex's negativity. It will be hard, but you've got this!

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    flowerchild  (07-02-2016)

  4. #3
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    Hi!! Here's my advice.. You are strong, so much stronger than you think, and ten times stronger than anyone else thinks. You don't need help from anyone. You'll be fine. If your family don't want to, can't, aren't able to help or whatever, that's fine, you don't need them anyway. If someone is able to help, or wants to, then great, accept help and be grateful, but know that you'd be fine either way..


    (I wrote you a big long reply about my experience and what I did, but I've deleted it as I don't think you need to hear my story. You need to know and see your own strength right now. If you need practical or financial advice, I can help there too)

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    Hey. .. sorry to hear you've separated.. I guess I'm newly separated.. I moved out from the family home on 11th Dec. .. However it was an amicable split. . I guess we grew apart and he wasn't willing to try counseling or  work on enjoying each others activities. .  Def try and get out of your fil. . You need to get away from the X. . You can apply for bond assistance through center link, even if not near the beach as you wish somewhere perhaps close to fil so they can be your support. Can he have your older daughter for a night/day per week ?? Would be really hard with a baby also.  I was amazed at how people offered me many household items. .  I made a wish list ofthings I needed/wanted. . Lived and ate frugally. . I've only just sorted out Internet  for the kids. . 9 &5... it's body hard initially.  Your X is putting self doubt in your head playing mind games with you.. you need to regain your self Confidence.  BUT you can survive without him. .ask for help from those around you. . Talk to your gp also as another source of support.  I personally found actually going into center link much better than being on hold on the phone. You can also ask to speak to a social worker who can help you work out a plan of what you need to do/organisations who can help. Sorry for waffling on. . Hope I've helped in some way. .

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    Oh you poor thing, what a horrible thing to be going through. You've got a definite cheerleader here! I found myself single when DD was 6 months old. I was a very anxious and 'dependent' person and looked everywhere for help to begin with but found it was much, much easier on my own. You will be totally fine I promise. I think you're amazing for not letting your brother and your ex's attitudes affect you too much, for pushing through regardless. You are doing the right thing.

    Centrelink are a big help when you're single. Financially you will be ok. You will have to rebudget a bit of course but you're obviously aware of this.

    Big hugs to you. Always here if you need to PM. Congrats on being on amazing mum x

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    flowerchild  (07-02-2016)

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    Sorry girls i wrote back a big reply but my app was stuffing up. Just wanted to say a big thank you I will re write soon!

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    Marchbundle  (07-02-2016)

  12. #7
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    Im a long term single mumma here
    You will cope, ignore what your ex says, find a house that you like and make it your home,
    his opinion of it is redundant, he doesnt have to live there <3

    you are far stronger then you think, you will do just fine, you will find your own little routines and ritual
    The hardest part of single parenting for me is having to drag both kids to the shops and back, was very hard when the youngest was a baby and before I had a licence but I made it now I have one at school full time and am lost without two lol

  13. #8
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    Subbing as I too am a newly single mum, though I only have one child. I've no advice sorry as this is all new to me. I'm sure your life will get better though - emotional abuse is what I suffered too. Since separating at Christmas I feel much stronger and my DS has improved in so many areas. Good luck!

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    I'm newly single too with toddler twins and now that i have centrelink worked out I'm doing fine. I still don't have any child support coming in but even without that I'm living comfortably and my budgeting is working out to pay bills and cope fine. I don't have any family or friends nearby (i moved 400km away when we separated) but it's fine. So i just want you to know that when it all settles and you sort out a budget, you will make it work. It's very possible on what centrelink will help with, it's just difficult accessing it all and figuring it out at first. Persist!

  15. #10
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    OP I am sorry you didn't have more family support at this difficult time.

    I have been a single mumma well, kind of essentially since pregnancy, but, officially, for two years. The first year was the hardest experience of my life.

    It takes time to regain your confidence and belief in yourself. It takes time to grieve and when you have little ones to care for it is often the grieving that you push away because you 'don't have time', but please trust me, you need to make that time to work through it.

    My best advice would be to get away from living with your ex ASAP. Living in limbo is very, very difficult. My ex is/was very negative in general about my life decisions - just remember he actually doesn't get a say any more. Let his opinions bounce off of you.

    There was one day not too long ago when I was driving along and my ex popped into my mind. For the first time I didn't feel pain, anger, regret, love, just nothing. I nothing him! We are very amicable now and coparent reasonably well and I believe this is because of my lack of feeling. I just simply don't care. I never in my life thought I would feel that way - and ever since that moment my life has looked up.

    It will happen for you too - it just takes time. No one pictures themselves on this path, but countless women both before and after us have survived and thrived this bump in the road.

    Good luck to you :-)

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