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  1. #21
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    Default Really want another and then don't

    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl79 View Post
    I have a friend in a similar situation (although her DS is 3 yrs old). It's pretty scary when you've had a difficult time first time. Although I didn't get PND I had a traumatic birth with DS1 and really really struggled with the newborn phase and didn't really enjoy parenting until DS1 was maybe 2?? Or even older. I wasn't 'ready' for another until he was about 3 (and took another 1.5 yrs for DS2 due to DH health scare and a later MC).
    Anyway I just wanted to say it has been sooooooo different for me this 2nd time round. Much better birth experience, baby with a totally different temperament, I am more chilled out and relaxed as I have 'done it before', more confident etc. whilst there are never guarantees you may find it much easier with a second, even actually enjoy it!
    Thanks @sunnygirl79, I really appreciate your reply, it's made me feel better! I didn't mention but I also had an extremely traumatic birth first time around which ended up with an emergency c sec under general anaesthetic. It was the most horrific experience and I would definitely need a lot of therapy if i fell pregnant again as the thought of labour scares the life out of me. Did you do any calm birthing the second time around or anything that made it better for you? I've been told due to what happened first time around I would have to have another c sec as they wouldn't risk a VB. But that is just as frightening for me as the first one I was only given half the dose of spinal so could feel EVERYTHING 😣😣😣 hence the GA as i was completely traumatised.

    It's nice to hear positive stories, I know it's hard to know what will happen, how you will cope etc until you actually live it but I do feel a bit more positive about it now so thanks again hun.
    Last edited by Furmumma; 18-03-2016 at 06:57.

  2. #22
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    Default Really want another and then don't

    Quote Originally Posted by Furmumma View Post
    Thanks @sunnygirl79, I really appreciate your reply, it's made me feel better! I didn't mention but I also had an extremely traumatic birth first time around which ended up with an emergency c sec under general anaesthetic. It was the most horrific experience and I would definitely need a lot of therapy if i fell pregnant again as the thought of labour scares the life out of me. Did you do any calm birthing the second time around or anything that made it better for you? I've been told due to what happened first time around I would have to have another c sec as they wouldn't risk a VB. But that is just as frightening for me as the first one I was only given half the dose of spinal so could feel EVERYTHING 😣😣😣 hence the GA as i was completely traumatised.

    It's nice to hear positive stories, I know it's hard to know what will happen, how you will cope etc until you actually live it but I do feel a bit more positive about it now so thanks again hun.
    @Furmumma I had a hard time first time, birth wise and she screamed non stop for months, and now I'm having another hard time with number 2 here (3yo and 5month old). Birth was much easier and I was more confident but both have been dreadful sleepers during the baby stage and I'm finding the juggle with chronic sleep deprivation incredibly hard. I'm not sure if I have PND but I cry a lot.
    HOWEVER- I'm sharing this as despite all of this I still have zero regrets about having dd2

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  4. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl79 View Post
    I do think if we had one of each I would be more inclined to finish. But then I have a lot of friends who have 3 or 4 boys - never did get their girl, so would of course have to be fully prepared to have a third boy.
    We have one of each and it hasn't made the to and fro stop. Maybe (but I don't know) DH would be pushing more for a third if we had 2 girls.

    I'm in a place where one minute I'm so broody, the next I'm realising how much another baby will put everything I want to do for myself on hold even longer and I feel at peace until something else happens to spark my broodiness.

    DH and I love our kids and know a third would be great but going through pregnancy (and possible miscarriages) again, CS birth and not knowing if your baby will sleep or scream, we just don't think we can do it again. The first 12m put a huge strain on our relationship both times. With an 8 year old and 2.5 year old we know the reality of school runs, extra activities juggled in with work, playdates, home renovations and trying to get some time to ourselves.

    On top of all this, I'm turning 41 this year!

    I've told DH he needs to get the snip so a third is just not an option. So long as we are both fertile I can see I am just going to keep flip flopping with my feelings on the topic.

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  6. #24
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    I never wanted any. H wants as many as possible.
    After I got pregnant we had a long discussion and decided two would be okay for us- that means 4 as we have DSS and DSD too.

    But... it's been so tough I have changed my mind. I don't want to be solo parenting 4 kids. I cannot do it. I'm struggling now- and I get to do some stuff alone, which is harder with more kids.
    I'm exhausted- had a csec on the 25th, and bub had surgery on 7th so we only are officially home since last Thursday (10th), and there's more to come.
    I don't drive and H doesn't take time off. So getting myself and a newborn to the hospital and staying there has been frickin' hard. Never mind watching your newborn be put under general anastethic.

    And yes, I know chances are very slim we will go through this with another. But I just don't want to. I can't.

    ETA: And I don't want to regret any children I have. Ever. Because yes, some people DO regret the kids they have.

  7. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    I never wanted any. H wants as many as possible.
    After I got pregnant we had a long discussion and decided two would be okay for us- that means 4 as we have DSS and DSD too.

    But... it's been so tough I have changed my mind. I don't want to be solo parenting 4 kids. I cannot do it. I'm struggling now- and I get to do some stuff alone, which is harder with more kids.
    I'm exhausted- had a csec on the 25th, and bub had surgery on 7th so we only are officially home since last Thursday (10th), and there's more to come.
    I don't drive and H doesn't take time off. So getting myself and a newborn to the hospital and staying there has been frickin' hard. Never mind watching your newborn be put under general anastethic.

    And yes, I know chances are very slim we will go through this with another. But I just don't want to. I can't.

    ETA: And I don't want to regret any children I have. Ever. Because yes, some people DO regret the kids they have.
    big hugs. you're doing awesome hun.

    I don't understand your dh wanting as many as possible yet he sounds very hands off? who exactly does he expect to do all the work? (genuine question, not having a go, it just strikes me as inconsistent that he wants more yet doesn't see it necessary to pitch in and help?).

    are you driving yet? I'm guessing no from your post. how are you getting yourself and izzy around? I had c sect on 25th too. have started to feel more normal this week, like abdominal pain is almost all gone and I feel much stronger and more like myself. previously, esp towards end of the day, I'd be struggling with pain. I started driving on Wednesday out of necessity as my dh is back at work now and we had appointments this week. driving was ok, lifting a 14kg pram out of the boot not so much but I didn't have a choice really.

    it's hard with a c sect, takes it out of you for sure.

    you're doing great. sorry to hear your dh is not more helpful. it's honestly bloody hard going and that's WITH support and help.

    sending hugs and support xx

  8. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    big hugs. you're doing awesome hun.

    I don't understand your dh wanting as many as possible yet he sounds very hands off? who exactly does he expect to do all the work? (genuine question, not having a go, it just strikes me as inconsistent that he wants more yet doesn't see it necessary to pitch in and help?).

    are you driving yet? I'm guessing no from your post. how are you getting yourself and izzy around? I had c sect on 25th too. have started to feel more normal this week, like abdominal pain is almost all gone and I feel much stronger and more like myself. previously, esp towards end of the day, I'd be struggling with pain. I started driving on Wednesday out of necessity as my dh is back at work now and we had appointments this week. driving was ok, lifting a 14kg pram out of the boot not so much but I didn't have a choice really.

    it's hard with a c sect, takes it out of you for sure.

    you're doing great. sorry to hear your dh is not more helpful. it's honestly bloody hard going and that's WITH support and help.

    sending hugs and support xx
    *shrugs* He's European. It's not so much that he is hands off. He just does not see it at all. Like last night after I handed her over so I could make dinner, he asked where her bottle is- uh you have to make it dude. He looked so confused. It's like he genuinely believes that it just happens.
    Maybe it's the fact that his experience is 3 days a fortnight?
    He was so excited about having a "full time" kid, but doesn't see the work.

    I don't drive. At all. We use public transport- it's a frickin' nightmare since we moved out here, its so far from everywhere!
    I'm sure I'd feel more normal if I had had time to heal. Spending so much time trying to sleep on a fold out couch bed, and dealing with everything solo (not just physically but all the emotional stuff too) has made the healing slow. I had to go to GP a few days ago to get a bandage put on my csec wound as it had opened again.

    It's the tiredness that is the worst part. He honestly thinks I'm doing fine- and I am doing well, I am proud of me. But jesus. I'm exhausted.
    I get up at 6am, spend the day looking after Bella, doing all the housework (I am so close to chucking out all our dishes and clothes!), shopping (so much for not going out until I feel ready), cooking, organising the stepkids (sports are starting up again, school hols coming, easter, etc).
    Plus trying to get Bella's birth registered, medicare, PPL etc.... Still waiting for H to give me his birth cert (its at his work) even though I asked for it 3 months ago!
    Then I have to do all the night time stuff. Yes, she is super, and only wakes 3 times. But that interrupted sleep is killing me- I'm an insomniac, so by the time I fall back to sleep, she's up again.
    He sleeps through it.

    He has offered to take her tonight and sleep in another room with her, but I have zero faith that he will wake if she cries. He doesn't even flinch when she wakes, or when I get up and move around. Heck last night I turned the light on as she had done a poosplosion, and...nothing.

    I need sleep... I'm starting to get anxious about holding her, as I'm afraid I'll fall asleep or drop her. I can't nap during the day- the conditions aren't right. And people are constantly calling me to check in anyway.
    Bah!

    ETA: I haven't had any pain with csect since Day 4 after... I just feel uncomfortable and stretched, and get weird pulling feelings all the time- even when sitting. GP says I have been doing too much and need to rest. Sure dude, that'll happen.

  9. #27
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    Default Really want another and then don't

    omg how did the wound open!? did it start to bleed? you poor thing, that's so scary.

    ok I thought I was doing too much, clearly not.

    you need to slow down and rest. like seriously. you've had major surgery. you can't be doing shopping. why can't he do things like that? does he drive and have a car? you can't seriously be doing grocery shopping and lugging grocery bags home on the bus?

    I'm scared for you, you need time to heal. is there friends or family who can help you out with sons of the chores? have you looked into Coles grocery delivery? that would make your life a bit easier and one less thing to worry about.

    i can't quite believe someone could be so clueless and inconsiderate/blind to all the work you're doing. and post surgery.

    please ask someone else for some help if you can, you need to rest and recover.
    Last edited by turquoisecoast; 18-03-2016 at 11:10.

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  11. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Furmumma View Post
    Thanks @sunnygirl79, I really appreciate your reply, it's made me feel better! I didn't mention but I also had an extremely traumatic birth first time around which ended up with an emergency c sec under general anaesthetic. It was the most horrific experience and I would definitely need a lot of therapy if i fell pregnant again as the thought of labour scares the life out of me. Did you do any calm birthing the second time around or anything that made it better for you? I've been told due to what happened first time around I would have to have another c sec as they wouldn't risk a VB. But that is just as frightening for me as the first one I was only given half the dose of spinal so could feel EVERYTHING 😣😣😣 hence the GA as i was completely traumatised.

    It's nice to hear positive stories, I know it's hard to know what will happen, how you will cope etc until you actually live it but I do feel a bit more positive about it now so thanks again hun.
    Have PM'd you X

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  13. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    *shrugs* He's European. It's not so much that he is hands off. He just does not see it at all. Like last night after I handed her over so I could make dinner, he asked where her bottle is- uh you have to make it dude. He looked so confused. It's like he genuinely believes that it just happens.
    Maybe it's the fact that his experience is 3 days a fortnight?
    He was so excited about having a "full time" kid, but doesn't see the work.

    I don't drive. At all. We use public transport- it's a frickin' nightmare since we moved out here, its so far from everywhere!
    I'm sure I'd feel more normal if I had had time to heal. Spending so much time trying to sleep on a fold out couch bed, and dealing with everything solo (not just physically but all the emotional stuff too) has made the healing slow. I had to go to GP a few days ago to get a bandage put on my csec wound as it had opened again.

    It's the tiredness that is the worst part. He honestly thinks I'm doing fine- and I am doing well, I am proud of me. But jesus. I'm exhausted.
    I get up at 6am, spend the day looking after Bella, doing all the housework (I am so close to chucking out all our dishes and clothes!), shopping (so much for not going out until I feel ready), cooking, organising the stepkids (sports are starting up again, school hols coming, easter, etc).
    Plus trying to get Bella's birth registered, medicare, PPL etc.... Still waiting for H to give me his birth cert (its at his work) even though I asked for it 3 months ago!
    Then I have to do all the night time stuff. Yes, she is super, and only wakes 3 times. But that interrupted sleep is killing me- I'm an insomniac, so by the time I fall back to sleep, she's up again.
    He sleeps through it.

    He has offered to take her tonight and sleep in another room with her, but I have zero faith that he will wake if she cries. He doesn't even flinch when she wakes, or when I get up and move around. Heck last night I turned the light on as she had done a poosplosion, and...nothing.

    I need sleep... I'm starting to get anxious about holding her, as I'm afraid I'll fall asleep or drop her. I can't nap during the day- the conditions aren't right. And people are constantly calling me to check in anyway.
    Bah!

    ETA: I haven't had any pain with csect since Day 4 after... I just feel uncomfortable and stretched, and get weird pulling feelings all the time- even when sitting. GP says I have been doing too much and need to rest. Sure dude, that'll happen.
    Wow. He needs to help you!! That's insane, you cannot be doing all that on your own. And your bub had surgery?? How is he not taking time off and helping out when both his wife and newborn are recovering from surgery??

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  15. #30
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    @DT75 oh my goodness, please please take it easy!!! You have been through so much and need to allow yourself to recover both physically and mentally. I know it's hard when you have so much to do but your hubby really needs to step up and help out. I would be having a serious talk if it were me in this situation, I barely coped and I didn't have a newborn needing surgery which is a massive thing just on its own! Not to mention your major surgery. Big hugs love, I hope hubby starts giving you the support you need.

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