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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tahli View Post
    PS: Summer if your friend has any books/training material on adoption I'd bring it into your home to read, esp books featuring Attachment Disorder and Reactive Attachment Disoder, and literature on older sibling groups and how their behavioural and emotional needs can greatly differ from older birth children. You could casually leave these out for DH to pick up and read.
    Hopefully you can reach a compromise of doing a final OE cycle and then one DE cycle, of which you should get multiple transfers from. Then move forward to adoption. Do you think he could manage the grief better if he knew there was an end date to it (final DE transfer). Of course you'll fall pregnant so the 'end' will be a baby in your family but just to help him see an end to his grief and to get your to your aim, IVF transfers!
    On a personal note, when my ex-DP and I were going through the adoption assessment process it became apparent that my ex-DP hadn't finished grieving a desire for a birth child. Our social worker stopped the assessment and strongly suggested he needed to work through that, which for us meant IVF. We stopped, did 3 unsuccessful rounds of IVF, grieved not having a birth child whilst waiting the 6 months and then restarted our adoption application.
    I guess my long winded point is, if one of you still has a desire for a birth child and hasn't recognised and grieved the loss of the imagined birth child then a good social worker will pick up on it.
    Thanks @Tahli that's all very good advice and I will definitely be doing a lot more talking to my friend about her process and will read a lot more about the issues it involves. I'm an avid reader, so would be reading everything I can get my hands on.

    We both know that adopting older children is not going to be all roses, but we are both very much wanting to take on that role and my DH is an incredible father and very good with difficult kids (very loving, with very solid boundaries) and I hope that all the work I've done on myself over the years would be of some benefit too

    Thank you for sharing your process and for letting me know about what could happen if I was still strongly wanting a birth child of my own. I don't think we'd start the adoption process until after I'd attempted DE, so by that stage we should know where we stand.

    I think if DH does know the end date and we have a firm plan, that will help him to make a decision and see that it's not just going to be one endless chain of getting our hopes up and having the grief continue on and on and on. I need an end date as well, so hopefully once the dust settles we can come up with that together.

  2. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Summer For This Useful Post:

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  3. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Petal40 View Post
    I think what you've said here is beautiful. Grief is such an individual thing, and if he hasn't dealt with his, I can understand him not wanting to do the same thing again that caused that grief. I think if he can see someone to help him, with your support it can only make for a stronger relationship. I admire you for being able to see this, and not being blindsided by your own needs. And don't get me wrong, I understand, like all the ladies on here, the desire to carry and have your own child. But I think if you can give him the support & time to heal his grief, you will have a much stronger relationship, and anything that life throws at you in the future, you would be able to deal with together. I really hope for your sake he is able to deal with his grief, and join you in your journey for your baby xx
    Thanks @Petal40 I'm hoping that by taking the higher road right now and being the strong one, will enable us to both be stronger in the long run. I can only try and if it doesn't work, then at least I'll always know I did my best.

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  5. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by tuxcat View Post
    @Summer Im hoping too that now that your DH has gotten it all out he can start to move on and work with you for the stuff you want. Mine works a little like this, when I first mentioned DE he went no straight away and then as time went on and I was tossing it around in my head he started to hear me out and we both just pondered it. The next thing I knew he had gotten there with me and we both agreed we wanted to do it. So it can happen!

    I think us women are all constantly thinking about all our options, talking about them all in here - with all the other over 40s counsellors and so we've moved ahead 3 years from where they have. They bury it, like you said and then wonder why they are having issues months or years later. The way I've always seen it is in our marriage we are both equal partners who want good things for ourselves and each other, and as long as those things are reasonable then I don't think its acceptable to prevent the other half to not have it, or a go at it in this case. I also think Blondes idea is a really good one. PGD should be the answer along with DE.

    I have a good friend who's partner is years younger and he doesnt want a child. Hes never said he never wants a child but shes my age and worries that she will resent him down the track. If it was me, I know I would resent him. And I just feel like its really frucking unfair, and he wont even discuss it.

    And Im with you girls too,I have a physical urge to grow and birth a baby and I think thats pretty natural for most women. I couldnt even fathom going into the whole adoption realm, but I really admire those who do.

    Really hoping this is the start of good things for you both. x
    Thank you @tuxcat very wise words and I agree that in a good relationship you do want the best for the other person and to support them to have what they want if it is reasonable and attainable. I'm sure we'll get there

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  7. #24
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    While carrying your DH and gaining brownie points @Summer I'd be slightly, well, sneaky for want of a better term. When the timing is right, I'd put a chart up in the house somewhere obvious. I'm not sure if the fridge is too obvious! And have three headings OE, DE, Adoption then break it down into sections such as costs, timelines, time off work, end dates etc and keep adding to it over the days/weeks (as though you've just started the research). That way you can start planting the seeds for DH. Sometimes they need help! Just a devious thought!!

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  9. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Summer View Post
    Oops I probably didn't word that all that well! He meant in our personal and particular situation, that if we focus solely on having a child and completely lose focus on the relationship, then even if we get there, we are likely to split anyway because of the damage done to the relationship along the way. If that makes more sense?

    He didn't mean that there's no point to having a child without a relationship in the terms of single mothers, or the breakdown of relationships in the general course of life - he was talking about us, and that we wanted originally to have a child as the natural progression of our relationship and love for each other. If that is no longer valid because our relationship is failing, then do we want to bring a child into that for the right reasons? That was where he was going with it - did I explain that a bit better?

    Thanks hon, yes, that sort of explains it a little better. And perhaps my advice is not the best advice to follow anyway. I am not particularly skilled at keeping good relationships and have always said (and demonstrated) that if the going gets tough, I'm getting the hell out of there. To me (and this is just for me, mind you!) life is too short, and I've spent way too much of my time already with men who don't have any consideration for my needs and desires. Now that I've met my DH (and we married late, with me being 37) I am grateful to be with someone who respects me, but as I said - life has not always been a bed of roses for me.

    I guess for that reason (and probably a million others) I do have quite a short fuse and absolutely no tolerance for BS anymore. I'm sorry if I let some of that angst out towards your DH! I do understand that he will be grieving (just as you are) and yes, maybe he just needs some time to work through that. I fully support your role in making that happen too. There is just a teeny part of me though that worries on your behalf that time might run out on you all too quickly. There are days where I feel like I'm pushing sh!t uphill trying to get pregnant at 41, you know!

    Anyway, I really do wish you both all the best with it and I hope your dreams do come true for you


    Blossom

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  11. #26
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    Hi @Tahli, how are you going love?

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  13. #27
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    @Blossom74 - I had a quick Google "Orgalutran is given as a single 0.25-mg injection under the skin once a day. Treatment should start on day 5 or 6 after the start of ovarian stimulation with follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) or corifollitropin alfa (a modified FSH). When treatment should start depends on how well the ovaries are responding to stimulation. Treatment with Orgalutran should be continued up to the day that there are enough large follicles (small sacs in the ovary that hold the eggs)."

    Link:
    http://www.drugs.com/uk/orgalutran.html

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  15. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gagingi View Post
    @Blossom74 - I had a quick Google "Orgalutran is given as a single 0.25-mg injection under the skin once a day. Treatment should start on day 5 or 6 after the start of ovarian stimulation with follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) or corifollitropin alfa (a modified FSH). When treatment should start depends on how well the ovaries are responding to stimulation. Treatment with Orgalutran should be continued up to the day that there are enough large follicles (small sacs in the ovary that hold the eggs)."

    Link:
    http://www.drugs.com/uk/orgalutran.html

    Thanks for that. I'm really unsure what to do now. They have scheduled my first scan for the day after the 7th Gonal-F injection, and said not to take the Orgalutran until I saw them....

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  17. #29
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    I'm not sure if it's different but I only started doing orgalutran on day 13 when I had a follicle at 17mm. Mind you I'm on a low low dose of puregon (25iui) They said I generally ovulate when they are 19mm+. It would seem strange for you to ovulate on day 7 wouldn't it?

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  19. #30
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    @Blossom74 in my antagonist cycles ive started orgultran usually after first scan usually in day 10. I usually get elonva inject on day 2 or 3 and scan a week later. I thought your follies qould need to be 20 or so to contain a mature egg and even then the ovulat process takes a few days.

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