Tahli that's all very good advice and I will definitely be doing a lot more talking to my friend about her process and will read a lot more about the issues it involves. I'm an avid reader, so would be reading everything I can get my hands on.
We both know that adopting older children is not going to be all roses, but we are both very much wanting to take on that role and my DH is an incredible father and very good with difficult kids (very loving, with very solid boundaries) and I hope that all the work I've done on myself over the years would be of some benefit too
Thank you for sharing your process and for letting me know about what could happen if I was still strongly wanting a birth child of my own. I don't think we'd start the adoption process until after I'd attempted DE, so by that stage we should know where we stand.
I think if DH does know the end date and we have a firm plan, that will help him to make a decision and see that it's not just going to be one endless chain of getting our hopes up and having the grief continue on and on and on. I need an end date as well, so hopefully once the dust settles we can come up with that together.