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  1. #71
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    I saw it as more the question that if you don't want to marry me, Id like to change my name so we all (kids and us) have the same last name? And for him to say "not sure" seems to say without saying I'm not that into you?! If I read that right...?

    I changed my name when i married (was quite young) and saw it as more loyalty towards my husband given my father was a a@@hole. Couldnt wait to have no association with him. Helps that I was 1/3 girls - we all changed our names. No dependence here ☺

    Edit: If I were to get divorced, I would keep my married name - my professional career was built with it (all testamurs have it on them) and its the same as my childrens - and its actually much nicer than my maiden name 😅

    Marriage is important to me and was a necessity for me to agree to kids (albiet 4 years later), but I am a Ms and don't wear a ring either - DH never takes his off. We are committed.
    Last edited by KitiK; 24-01-2016 at 14:53.

  2. #72
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    Default How important is marriage to you?

    Very important.
    Religion, tradition, 2 happily married sets of parents. Plus I wanted to be married b4 having kids.

    When times got really tough between us it was, for me, the ritual and the affirmation that we made in front of family and friends that kept me going. I don't think I would have made as much of an effort if there wasn't that to look back on.

    But everyone is different and no judgement to those who don't feel the same.

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  4. #73
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    Marriage as a concept is not important to me at all.

    MY marriage is important to me- because the relationship is important, not because we are married. It's just paper.

  5. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hasselhoff View Post
    Some of these responses are worrying ������ am I really not reading between the lines?!

    Full house - his parents had a very messy divorce. There was threats of violence between his parents and his dad just left. Without mentioning anything. He didn't speak to him for years. Only been speaking to him for a few years now (his parents divorced when he was 10, he's now 27)
    When my parents divorced we were dating and he did say that it reminded him of when his parents were going through it (it was a bit messy but never any threats of violence like his parents) it did cause issues between us and we separated for awhile but we did move on from it. I do wonder if there is more to it but now with some responses I'm worrying that I'm just burying my head in the sand ������

    And to add - he has said he felt abandoned by his dad. His mother moved on into another relationship which brought his stepbrothers into the picture (so there was Dp, his brother and then 3 step brothers and then his half sister came along)
    It's very easy for people to suggest things based on their experiences, or friend's experiences...but we aren't seeing your relationship, or know what is going on in your DP's head to make him say these things. It's quite possible he doesn't want to talk about it because it upsets him to talk about it (my DH, whilst he was happy to get married, is very traumatised by his parent's very horrible divorce...to the point that he won't talk about it at all. I know he needs to go and deal with what happened professionally, because it does effect him still, it just effects him in a way that doesn't impact on 'us' so it's never come to a head).
    Or maybe, there is reading between the lines to be done...and if there is, then you may as well learn about them now so you can work on either fixing the relationship, or you can move on and find someone who can commit to you.
    No one can tell you what the answer is, only your DP. So, if it was me, I would sit down and have a talk...with no pressure to marry, just to learn his reasons why he doesn't want to marry or share a name. Just tell him you're feeling hurt by his change of mind and want to understand his POV more, so you can stop worrying.

  6. #75
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    Ive been with my partner for 25 years and can say marriage to us is not important. I have no plans to get married at all. We couldn't be more committed to each other with a piece of paper.

  7. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie74 View Post
    @Hasselhoff, I was in a very long relationship with someone who always gave me what I felt were 'fluffy' answers about why we weren't married yet. I was never 100% sure why he wouldn't. He always said that he loved me & only wanted to be with me, but for years and years told me all sorts of reasons why we still weren't married. His parents had a terrible marriage, tumultuous, lots of crazy fighting, and infidelity. I think it tainted his idea of marriage, made him sarcastic & uninterested in being married. and also he inherited traits from both parents unfortunately that probably weren't conducive to commitment in the end. He was attached to me for certain, he loved me, but he really I think had an aversion to real commitment. Marriage or no marriage.

    I told people we both didn't care about being married- mostly bcos I actually DID care & I felt uncomfortable admitting that to anyone when he just wouldn't take that step. And none of his reasons made sense to me, they were excuses not reasons. It wasn't so much that I desperately needed to be married, it was that his excuses made me feel like something else was at the bottom of it all. So his not wanting to marry really really bothered me. Bcos I knew in the end it was a sign of something bigger. In the end I had to end the relationship. He was a nice guy, not a bad bone in his body. But he really was never ever gonna make me properly happy.

    The DP I'm with now, from the moment we got together has never left me with a seconds doubt about his commitment. I've felt it from the beginning. Everything he does and says, his actions and words show me everyday that his commitment to me is strong & forever. If we never got married it would make no difference to me now. I feel secure, loved and happy. It's completely different.

    We'll get married, we both know that, and it has never been a big heavy conversation either. and in someways I think for me it will be mostly for romantic reasons, a beautiful celebration with our families and friends. A time to celebrate how happy & lucky we both feel to have eventually found each other at last.

    I feel for you. There is absolutely a huge difference between couples that happily choose not to be married & a couple who can't agree on it for other reasons. You probly do need to try and get some honest answers from ur DP or this will be a question that bothers u forever
    this sounds very much like a close friend of mine. the guy kept telling her he wanted to get married etc but he'd never propose etc. in the end there was so much resentment she let him go. marriage for her was a step towards the kind of commitment needed before she could have kids with the guy, and time was ticking. she wasted too many years waiting for him to propose, then fighting with him over why he'd tell her he wanted to commit but never actually would. I'm glad she finally broke it off.

    I also agree with the part where someone else said they'd understand if their dp said I categorically don't believe in marriage. rather than saying yes I believe in it, but then not committing. would definitely make me question is something wrong with the relationship. I'd honestly take it as a signal that he's just not that into me.

    my dh said he was initially dubious on marriage as his parents marriage had ended in infidelity and divorce and his mum turned into a very clingy and needy person. so I can see it put him off it a bit, at least the idea of it. but in the end it didn't stop him from proposing and marrying me. I really think anyone that uses their parents failed marriage as an example of why they don't want to get married is just giving pathetic excuses.

  8. #77
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    I genuinely do not think marriage is important. I do like the idea that people are so committed to love but I think the reality of what marriage actually is and the historical origins of marriage are based on disolusion and an (unreal) sense of ownership. I also think many people get married because they see it as a sign of success. As a society, we care how others see us.

    I also feel that love isn't bound.

    But out I am always happy for people dear to me when they get married. 😊

  9. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by babyno1onboard View Post
    How long ago did you mention to him that you what to get married? Could he be stalling because he's saving for a ring and not wanting to ruin the surprise?
    This is the same thought I had

  10. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hasselhoff View Post
    So.. Just wondering what you feeling on marriage is.

    Dp and I have been together nearly 7 years.. I always thought we were on the same page when it comes to marriage but apparently not. I've realised how upset I am about it.

    So I feel marriage is extremely important. I feel it's a huge commitment.

    How do U feel about marriage? Is it important to u?

    How can I explain it to my Dp and either understand why he feels this way and accept it or get him to understand how I feel?

    Please go easy.
    DH and I were together for 9 years before he proposed. I was always for it, he wasn't.
    Marriage changed nothing day to day, but it also changed EVERYTHING.

    I realised that there was an underlying feeling of "what do I need to do / be to be worth him marrying me"

    We already had one daughter and I was 5 months pregnant with our second when he proposed. I never doubted his love for us, didnt fear he would leave. But getting married seemed to just change everything, emotionally. No doubts. I have the same name as my children, which is wonderful. It's hard to explain when you dont know the couple involved. Im a confident person, very happy within our relationship, never feared he would leave. But getting married released some sort of unconscious doubt I had. That he wasn't waiting for someone worth marrying. That I didn't have to "achieve or be" something to be worth marrying.

    That probably all comes out like garbage. But my easiest explanation is that it changes nothing day to day, but changes everything in your soul.

    This is the opinion of someone who was in a relation where i DID want to be married. I know it's not an accurate reflection for everyone. I know lots of people happily not married, but they are both happy with it that way.

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  12. #80
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    Sorry everyone! I planned to reply this Morning and completely forgot!

    Managed to have a short conversation with Dp. He has said he wants to get married. He can see it happening. More going to say Fraser Island and getting married with just a few people (which I'm 110% happy with!) but he just doesn't want to just yet. He's talking like 4 or 5 years from now. Which I guess I can be happy with. I love this man. I know he loves me. I just hope he might think a proposal would be great. I'm happy to be engaged for a few years. Not concerned with that. I'm hoping it's a start to the future that's important to me.
    I asked him again and changing my last name and he said he could handle that. But he'd prefer to get married. So I guess that's a good thing?!

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