+ Reply to Thread
Page 7 of 10 FirstFirst ... 56789 ... LastLast
Results 61 to 70 of 96
  1. #61
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    Roleystone
    Posts
    1,711
    Thanks
    2,383
    Thanked
    1,926
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    He sounds very confused about what he wants. On the one hand I agree that if it's something you want and isn't going to cause him harm, then why not do it for you. But, on the other hand, I'd caution against pushing for that. I know several men (and was married to one before) who got married when they weren't ready / sure that's what they wanted and it often spells disaster. For some reason it's like that step in commitment makes them suddenly freak out that they're going to miss out on the weekends of hot tub parties with supermodels (that were never going to happen) and it can put years of strain on a relationship.

    I also don't believe having children is showing "way more of a commitment than marriage". Sorry, I know lots of people who have chosen never to have children but are completely committed to their spouse and I know so many men (and some women) who have several children with several different people (all of whom were together, not one night stands) and they've been pretty happy to break that commitment too. They might be committed to the child, but not necessarily the other parent. I know women who have 'chosen to have a child' with a man they admit they wouldn't marry, but have settled for because they are getting older and wanted a child.

    A wedding is not commitment as such, nor is a baby. The ongoing way you act in a marriage or a non-married partnership is. Commitment is shown by the way you treat your partner, whether you both make sacrifices to make each other happy, by the way you respect them and become involved in each other's lives.

  2. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to HillDweller For This Useful Post:

    A-Squared  (24-01-2016),Charlie74  (24-01-2016),Janesmum123  (24-01-2016),Ngaiz  (24-01-2016),Rose&Aurelia&Hannah  (24-01-2016)

  3. #62
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Posts
    111
    Thanks
    26
    Thanked
    44
    Reviews
    0
    I've been with my hubby for 7 years in March.
    Marriage has always been a very important thing to me.. And hubby says the same, "I'll only ever get married once"... He, however, has been engaged twice before we met.. I always thought I'd be married before I had children.. But here I am, 27 weeks and not even a ring.. In my eyes (and his) we are engaged and married but there's not paper or jewellery that says so... I have his name tattooed in a very private place and I'm usually pretty content with what we have.. Sometimes it gets to me a little that he's been engaged to other women and he hasn't 'popped the question' to me and it does make me feel insecure.. But he is with me, I'm with him and we are starting a family together.. Regardless of his past and his other children (who will always have a place in our family) I'm happy..

  4. #63
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    572
    Thanks
    164
    Thanked
    582
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by A-Squared View Post
    A friend of mine had a boyfriend who used to say the same. I always thought it was a pathetic excuse.

    So what if your own parents got divorced or had a crappy marriage, it doesn't mean that all of their offspring will as well! Anyway I digress, I think it's just a bad excuse - a cop out. She was one of my friends who ended the relationship due to lack of commitment.

    If I'm honest, it sounds like the same is happening to you. The chopping and changing of his mind,...? It sounds like he's playing mind games with you.

    I can understand someone single saying they could take or leave marriage as something for them given they're not with someone and are unsure if it's right for them as a couple, but when you're in a relationship I truly believe you either want to marry that person or you don't, it's more of a matter of when it's right. I hope that makes sense.
    I disagree with the last paragraph. It's not always about not wanting to marry THAT PERSON. Sometimes it's not wanting to get married full stop. And that doesn't mean a lack of commitment. For me, it means I choose something more important to measure the value of my relationship. How we treat each other every day, the little things we do for one another, the companionship we have, the effort we make. DP and I have been through hell and back. I don't want to ever be with anyone else and he feels the same.

    In saying that, OP, it sounds like he's scared of taking that next step. He needs to be honest about where he sees the two of you heading and I would not be waiting around too long for him to work it out. He's either sure about you or he isn't. This whole will or will not marry you loop he's going on isn't acceptable.

  5. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hopeful1986 For This Useful Post:

    Full House  (24-01-2016),Rose&Aurelia&Hannah  (24-01-2016),~Marigold~  (24-01-2016)

  6. #64
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    2,279
    Thanks
    2,363
    Thanked
    1,911
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    @Hasselhoff I think there's a big difference between being philosophically opposed to marriage as an institution (a perfectly fine position) and being unsure about wanting to marry a particular person. Sadly it sounds like your dp is in the latter group.
    If I were in your shoes i would feel more at ease if dp said 'I categorically don't believe in marriage with ANYONE but I love you and I'm 100% committed to you and have faith we will stay committed together in a lifelong partnership'. But your dp sounds like he's saying yeah marriage might be ok but maybe we won't last the distance and maybe I'll change my mind. Which sounds like 'I don't really know if I want to marry YOU' not I don't want to get married at all.
    FWIW my DH had a horrible childhood, his parents divorced at 10 and his dysfunctional alcoholic mother sent him and his younger brother away to boarding school so she could party. He's been estranged from her for 15 years now and his dad has been dead for some time. This played a big part in him not wanting to get married or have kids as he had only experienced extreme dysfunction. He had 2 long term relationships (10 years and 4 years) in his 20s and 30s. In both relationships he told them he did not want marriage or kids and both relationships eventually broke up as he couldn't (wouldn't) give them what they wanted/needed.
    We were together 1.5years when we decided to get married and a year later started our ivf journey. My DH is the kind of person who will not do something he doesn't believe in just to please the other person (unless it's trivial) so there was no pushing him into these decisions it was all him.
    He put it to me that it wasn't until we got together that for the first time in his late 30s he felt like marriage and a family were something that he wanted and could successfully have. I hate to say it but in our case it was a matter of for some reason I was the right person at the right time for him. He simply didn't want that kind of relationship with his previous partners. I don't know if this makes you feel better or worse but just wanted to share my experience.

  7. #65
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    2,670
    Thanks
    1,005
    Thanked
    2,414
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Hasselhoff View Post
    I really appreciate everyone's replies. From both sides here it's great to read. I am not religious so it's not for that reason. I have to go back and find the few people I seen that hit the nail on the head of exactly how it feels! I can't remember who said it lol


    So I'll add a bit more.. I'm really confused now about what Dp wants. One minute he says he can't wait to see me walk down the aisle, he says he will probably get emotional and all that and he apparently can't wait to call me his wife and other things but then he says but in 6 months I could change my mind and not want to get married.
    What am I ment to make of that?? It's bloody confusing!!!

    Someone did ask about whether he would do it just for what I want and I don't think he would. He's very stubborn. I asked if we weren't to get married would he have a problem with me changing my name (so it's the same as DS mainly) and he said he wasn't 100% sure. So I do feel it's just me.
    He has said that he worries about what might happen, mainly because well his parents and mine are divorced but to me that's not really something to consider?

    I will reply more soon. Very cranky DS.
    Is it just you, or is he actually traumatised by his parent's divorce and that's why he doesn't want these things? I know people are saying it sounds like he isn't committed to you, but to me it sounds like he is terrified of divorce, which is a different thing entirely. I think you probably just need to have a proper conversation about it and find out what he is thinking

  8. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Full House For This Useful Post:

    Gentoo  (24-01-2016),hopeful1986  (24-01-2016)

  9. #66
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    2,129
    Thanks
    220
    Thanked
    762
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts

    Default How important is marriage to you?

    Some of these responses are worrying 😳 am I really not reading between the lines?!

    Full house - his parents had a very messy divorce. There was threats of violence between his parents and his dad just left. Without mentioning anything. He didn't speak to him for years. Only been speaking to him for a few years now (his parents divorced when he was 10, he's now 27)
    When my parents divorced we were dating and he did say that it reminded him of when his parents were going through it (it was a bit messy but never any threats of violence like his parents) it did cause issues between us and we separated for awhile but we did move on from it. I do wonder if there is more to it but now with some responses I'm worrying that I'm just burying my head in the sand 😳

    And to add - he has said he felt abandoned by his dad. His mother moved on into another relationship which brought his stepbrothers into the picture (so there was Dp, his brother and then 3 step brothers and then his half sister came along)
    Last edited by Hasselhoff; 24-01-2016 at 14:12.

  10. #67
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    The Kimberley WA
    Posts
    4,622
    Thanks
    916
    Thanked
    1,180
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Marriage is very important to me. Without it we wouldn't have had children, joint assets bank accounts properties etc. We were together 12 years before getting married and being married just felt very different than not being married. We were both on the same page re marriage, we felt it was right. It made our committment to each other official i think and everything flowed from there. Both our parents were married and had happy marriages. It could be why people feel the way they do about marriage to an extent too.
    Oh op I hope you sort through your feelings and all works out

  11. #68
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    2,057
    Thanks
    2,306
    Thanked
    1,389
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    How long ago did you mention to him that you what to get married? Could he be stalling because he's saving for a ring and not wanting to ruin the surprise?

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to babyno1onboard For This Useful Post:

    Rose&Aurelia&Hannah  (24-01-2016)

  13. #69
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    12,708
    Thanks
    9,558
    Thanked
    12,691
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/1/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 7/11/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 3/10/14100 Posts in a week
    Quote Originally Posted by KitiK View Post
    I would be confused about the comment made around changing your surname...??!! What's that about? If he doesnt want to get married and doesn't want you having the same last name, I would be asking some serious questions about 'where is this going'. ..
    If it was in isolation I would sort of get the name thing. I would feel a little off if my hubby had asked to take my last name when we married. I feel comfortable knowing the relationship is one of independence not of dependence. And for me (just how I feel I understand others might not feel the same) changing your name is a sign of dependence and that leaves me with a case of the heebie jeebies.

  14. The Following User Says Thank You to VicPark For This Useful Post:

    Gentoo  (24-01-2016)

  15. #70
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    1,427
    Thanks
    497
    Thanked
    1,588
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Marriage is not particularly important to me. DH and I had no plans to get married, organising a wedding seemed like a massive headache we could not be bothered with.

    We ended up getting married overseas when the opportunity arose. Whenever anyone asked us when we were getting married we would always say, oh we will only get married in Vegas. Well the opportunity to go to Vegas came so we got married there. I have not changed my name, I don't often wear my wedding rings, I'm a Ms. Nothing changed really, we already owned a house together before we got married and had been together for 7 years.

    I still don't think we would have got married if the opportunity had not come up. I don't feel more secure, we were already completely committed to each other, and after living together for 6 years were already in a common law marriage for legal purposes.

    I never dreamed about a wedding or was particularly interested in getting married, but, still I find myself married!


 

Similar Threads

  1. leaving my marriage
    By bigbangtheory in forum Feeling alone
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 24-07-2015, 12:29
  2. Marriage.. Lost our way
    By rubytuesday24 in forum Family & Friends
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 16-03-2015, 12:44
  3. After 8 years of marriage....
    By SpecialPatrolGroup in forum General Chat
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: 28-01-2015, 22:58

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Ro&Co
Share magical moments this Christmas with this gorgeous gingerbread house. Exclusively available in Brisbane, with FREE delivery in Brisbane Metro areas. Each Christmas Centrepiece is unique and made to order, from $240.
sales & new stuffsee all
True Fairies
True Fairies is the first interactive website where children can engage and speak with a real fairy through the unique webcam fairy portal. Each session is tailored to the child, and is filled with enchantment and magic.
Visit website to find out more!
featured supporter
Maternity Clothes
Looking to buy maternity clothes? :: Check the bubhub directory of local & online maternity clothes shops :: Find preloved maternity wear
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!