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  1. #21
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    Hmmmm I've been on all sides of this fence I think. I totally get that some people are more than happy not marrying but fundamentally marriage is important to me.
    I used to say it was just a piece of paper and that my exDH and I had a house together so it didn't mean anything. But we were young (too young) and getting married was kinda what you did next so we did. I refused to change my name as I felt very strongly about my identity. Weddings don't interest me at all so it was a small surprise ceremony. Being married was actually kind of different. Hard to put a finger on exactly how but it did feel more serious, bonded, connected in formal ways. Anyway we got divorced 3 years in. Some might think I'm hypocritical saying marriage is important and being divorced but that's life.
    After my divorce I didn't think I'd get married again, certainly not so soon (I was married again 5.5 years after I got divorced) after being with DH for less than 2 years. When I met DH he was totally against marriage and kids. Which didn't bother me as I had already been married (no kids though). So we bought a house together and got serious. And then we got married just us on a beach. He felt that he wanted that stability and commitment and tradition (where did that come from?!) and so did i. I even changed my name this time as I wanted us to be joined in that way. Lo and behold we've been married 4 years now and have a 6 month old DD (my DH has changed a lot over the past few years all on his own volition, we grew into these decisions together). It's lovely.
    Again this time it does feel different. My DH used to say it's nothing more than a piece of paper, he's quite non-traditional and we're both not religious. He does feel very strongly that it's different both on paper and in spirit I guess which surprises him. Yes you can still walk away and relatively easily end a marriage but it is formalising a relationship in a legal sense. Many people place no stock in that and that's cool but I guess I'm old-fashioned in that I like being married I can't wait til our best friends (SS) can tie the knot.
    OP if it means a lot to you what is the impasse from DP? He obviously feels very strongly against it. It is sad where there is such an imbalance of feeling. Sometimes as a PP said if one person cares less about their position they will go with what their partner wants. Sounds like you both are at opposite ends of the spectrum. I guess you both need to look at what is important and why and whether the symbolism of that is damaging the core of your relationship. It's one of those things you can't push or force.
    My heart goes out to you as I can sense a deep sadness from your post x

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  3. #22
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    I grew up in a Christian household. One thing that stuck to me is that marriage is important TO ME. I wanted to be married before kids/house etc. But that is me.

    In saying that we were together for about 5 years before getting engaged and then engaged for over 2 years before we got married.

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  5. #23
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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    Without reading replies...

    It's a beautiful, special thing if it happens. I do however view it as somewhat of an unnecessary pursuit. I'm not against it, but do not list it as an "important" goal. It isn't crucial and means very little to me; I guess I don't feel I need a ceremony to secure commitment. I respect marriage and all, just never thought about chasing it or making it a priority in my life.
    FWIW- I have been with my partner, who I always refer to as my "husband" although not legally "married" for almost 17 years and have 2 kids.

  6. #24
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    Very important to me, i feel like the fact that we are married makes our family more solid, its not just a relationship, im not just his girlfriend, and to stand up in front of everyone we know and love (and God) and commit to eachother is very special.

    ETA - if i was with someone and we had been together a long time, had kids etc but he still didnt want to get married i would question if he was just with me because of the kids or if he was really committed to me iykwim?
    Last edited by SoThisIsLove; 23-01-2016 at 20:42.

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  8. #25
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    Default How important is marriage to you?

    It was important to me but things changed when we found out my partner was almost completely infertile not long after we got engaged. We decided to start IVF straight away, rather than wait and we spent a huge chunk of the money we'd saved for the wedding on IVF and an expensive high risk pregnancy.

    I think for us, getting through IVF, with the financial, emotional and physical toll, surviving multiple miscarriages is kind of the stuff of lasting love. After 3 losses in a row we decided to have a break from IVF and planned the wedding, we fell pregnant by some miracle and our baby was due the day we'd booked the wedding! We were going to get married after our son was born but we knew we wanted another baby and so decided to go back for more IVF while we could, all the time in the world to get married.

    We will get married and hopefully before we get too old but life threw us quite a few curve balls and having children was more important and we and no idea how long it would take.
    Last edited by Clementine Grace; 23-01-2016 at 20:41.

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  10. #26
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    Not important to me.
    My partner and I have been together for 12 years. We've been engaged for about 5 years, and are getting married in just over a year.
    Marriage really doesn't say anything about commitment to me...but I guess it depends on the person. If it meant a lot to you but you weren't willing to make that commitment, then I guess that would say a lot.
    We never used to think we'd get married, but then decided we would. I'm not 100% sure why...it's kind of a way/excuse to have a public celebration of our relationship. I can't see that the actual being married part will change anything...but I guess I don't know yet :P

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  12. #27
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    Default How important is marriage to you?

    I'm slowly getting through the replies and really appreciate everyone's responses!
    Will reply properly when I can! Xo

    I should add.. I always planned to be married before children. I always said that was what I wanted and I fell pregnant with DS (he was our surprise) and we couldn't afford a wedding and I don't think I really thought about after the initial thoughts because I was so wrapped up in having a baby.
    I did tell Dp I wanted to be married before our second child but I'm starting to think it may be an unrealistic thing...
    Last edited by Hasselhoff; 23-01-2016 at 21:16.

  13. #28
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    Marriage was very important to me. When I fell pregnant with DS1, I cancelled our big wedding and we had a small wedding in the park when I was pregnant.

    Unfortunately, my marriage was a farce. I didn't believe so at the time but it was. The vows we exchanged in front of the most important people in our lives meant nothing to my XH. We were married under 4 years.

    Now, I am quite happy never to be married again. I however am still a romantic and cry at weddings and share the joy, love and excitement of people sharing their love and promises to each other. I think it's beautiful.

    I know how much marriage meant to me and if it is something you want, you need to express your desires to your DP, and he needs to respect that.

    Big hugs xxxx

  14. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by hopeful1986 View Post
    I've been with DP 11 years and we never plan on getting married. I don't see marriage as a commitment at all and neither does DP. Both our parents' marriages were absolute jokes and we've known too many couples who have crapped all over their vows. It's a legal contract, nothing more to me.

    BUT

    I do understand why it can mean a lot to someone. Because to that someone it's symbolic. And it does mean commitment to them. Has your DP told you why he doesn't want to get married? Sometimes it's a matter of not being with the One, sometimes it's viewing marriage as a load of, well, you know.

    I think it's really important to work this out, though because it can breed resentment.
    This! A million times this. I have seen a number of people in relationships with men who 'didn't want to get married' or who 'didn't believe in marriage', then their partners got sick of their lack of commitment to them that they broke off their relationship, only for the man to meet someone else and propose to them within a year or two.

    Whether the man consciously told their partner that as they knew they weren't the one and they wanted the female to break it off (so they didn't look like the bad guy), or they truly felt they didn't believe in marriage as deep down they didn't want to be with the female I don't know, but I've seen it happen a lot.

    So I really think you need to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to get married.

    In your question though yes marriage is important to me. I needed him to commit to marriage because I wanted him to stand in front of me and before our friends and family to openly commit that he would never be with anyone else for the rest of his life and that I was important enough to him to commit to our lives together.

    Without our marriage I would forever be left wondering if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me as I don't see any other definitive way he could show that commitment. I needed that form of commitment as I have very low self esteem and trust issues so his word that he would never leave me just wasn't enough, marriage was it.

    Having said that it took him 7 years to propose. So sometimes they need more time to commit. For my DH he always said he would want to get married when he was ready to have kids (as he's traditional and wanted to be married first) so I had to wait until he was ready to have kids before we got engaged and I was therefore happy to wait that long.

  15. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by JR03 View Post
    Funny that this topic should come up, my 2 year old asked me yesterday "why do you wear that ring" and I said "because daddy loves me" and I thought that sent a gifts = love message so tried to explain that mummy and daddy love each other very much and this ring shows that we love each other forever. Which got me thinking that if I didn't have this ring (i.e. We weren't married), would I love him any less or be less committed to him? Absolutely not, and same for him to me. So whilst I liked the idea of having a wedding at the time and I certainly don't regret marrying him, now that I've been married for 4+ years, marriage is just not that much of a big deal to me. I know plenty of people who lead similar lives to us and are just as happy not being married.
    I'm married and neither my husband or I wear our rings.


 

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