I am so very sorry for your loss!
What a wonderful mummy you are to relieve Harry of his pain.
Loads of love for you during these awful times xxx
Sending so much love mummymaybe. I remember leaving the hospital so vividly. We had been there for two days and nights and I was so desperate to just get home, the midwife told me I could stay an extra night with her but she had deteriorated so much the second time I held her that I decided to leave thinking I shouldn't hold her again as it would be too upsetting to see more changes in her, her little body was so delicate. I was ok/calm until we walked out of the main hospital doors towards the parking lot and then I just crumbled and started panicking, begging DH to take me back inside to her. It's still so hard to think about and I often regret not going back in but I know I would have felt the same no matter when I left. It's such an unnatural feeling to leave without your baby, such a primal feeling.
Will you guys have a funeral? Will he be cremated? We just had the two of us and a priest to do a blessing at her funeral, we were pretty private with her. We loaded her coffin with letters, photos and toys and books we wanted her to have. She was cremated and her ashes sit in an engraved box in our bedroom with her bunny.
Be gentle with yourself, arm yourself with loads of easy viewing boxsets and movies, stuff you can just blank out on. X
That walk out of the hospital is crippling, I remember it well. It feels so wrong to go through it all and leave empty handed, to walk out with nothing goes against our core programming it feels.
Hope you are recovering well and resting up, don't feel you have to have visitors if you don't want to. You are not obligated to do anything for anyone, this is your time to grieve.
The hospital provided us with some material to read for comfort, including one designed for Dads which was great - I think it was on one of the follow up visits. It is painful and hard to read and remember at first but eventually we read it and it does help.
Please know you are not alone, we are here to support you.
Then I'd have to give him back and walk away and it was like this panic set in. I couldn't breathe properly. I remember sobbing and begging DH not to make me live the rest of my life with this. It wasn't even in a particularly suicidal way. It was more a case of 'this is too much. I actually can't get through this'. In that moment it's incomprehensible that you could ever not feel like that.
You do stop feeling that bad though. That all encompassing horror mixed with grief does tend to ease a little. I think you just have to go with it and not let anyone dictate the timing of your recovery.
Oh mummymaybe, you have certainly had a hard time. What a traumatic birth under already tragic circumstances. The only thing that will really help heal you is time. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do for you and hubby as number one. Everyone else will understand.
My son was born two months ago healthy and caught a virus in the hospital and died when he was 8 days old. The past two months have been a living nightmare. We had lots of friends and family around but when I needed time out I would just admit "today is not a good day" and retreat into my own space. Most people were pretty good at leaving me alone when I needed it without further explanation than that. Last weekend was my due date so we took a weeks holiday with our son and broke contact with the everyone to give time to ourselves. It was very healing. I know it feels like your world is falling apart, I still have days and moments but it is getting just that little bit easier each day.
I hope you have strength to hold a memorial service for him. We had our sons ashes returned to us in a Cami bear. They are beautiful and personally I didn't want to see an urn on the shelf. I'm more than happy to chat if you want to pm.
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