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  1. #1
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    Default Confused. What has changed?

    I have a seven week old. He is quite a good baby yes he doesn't sleep much at night but I don't really know many bubs who do. Its hard to get them into a routine at this age and I understand that. I do most nights and only ask my partner for help when I have hit the point of exhaustion. Past couple of weeks he has gone to the pub after work and stayed there until 10pm (trade he finishes work at 330). He comes home and makes comments like oh your crying again mum will change your nappy because she hasn't done anything all day. Last night I woke him up at 1:30 DS had been feeding every 2 hours and I was exhausted. I asked him for help and he said I will do tomorrow night. I was so tired I went back out to the couch (where I sleep with DS so he can get undisrupted nights sleep in bed) started feeding him and burst into tears. My partner came out and started yelling at me. I asked him not to yell at me and he said I'm not f$@#%ing yelling at you but I will be soon. Go to fing bed and get some fing sleep stop acting like a 5 yr old. I didn't say anything so he yelled at me again saying stop being a fing id$%t. I cried harder and he said don't your dar fing cry. I went to bed and quietly cried myself to sleep. He has become angry and mean getting worse over last couple of weeks. He have never ever been like this. He is always respectful caring loving my best friend. I don't understand what has changed I feel like he hates me and I am finding myself smiling on the outside telling everyone everything's OK when on the inside I am breaking. Is this normal behaviour for couples with a newborn?, I feel lost and don't understand why he is doing this. He was so excited about bubs and now its like we are horrible and I can't figure out what we have done?

  2. #2
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    No that's not normal behavior. The way he spoke to you is disgusting. He needs to stop being so selfish and pull his finger out and help! Once he finishes work he should b home helping u out and spending time with HIS child, not spending all arvo / evening at the pub!! No wonder u are exhausted.... Babies are hard work!!

    I'm so ****ed off for you, and to speak to u like that at a time when u are so vulnerable, and with a child In your arms! Do u have family support? Like ur mum or something? To be honest I'd pack a bag for a few days, take bubs and go and stay with her. First of all to get some help and some rest and tell ur partner u won't put up with it and have a serious chat with him about his behavior.

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  4. #3
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    Hugs. I would go stay with someone for a few days. His behaviour is not on.

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  6. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by SoThisIsLove View Post
    No that's not normal behavior. The way he spoke to you is disgusting. He needs to stop being so selfish and pull his finger out and help! Once he finishes work he should b home helping u out and spending time with HIS child, not spending all arvo / evening at the pub!! No wonder u are exhausted.... Babies are hard work!!

    I'm so ****ed off for you, and to speak to u like that at a time when u are so vulnerable, and with a child In your arms! Do u have family support? Like ur mum or something? To be honest I'd pack a bag for a few days, take bubs and go and stay with her. First of all to get some help and some rest and tell ur partner u won't put up with it and have a serious chat with him about his behavior.
    Thankyou. I just felt like I was loosing my mind this morning. My mum passed away when I was young its just my dad and he isn't confident taking bubs overnight which I can understand. I feel more confident to ask someone for help now. I felt stupid and embarrassed to ask anyone and maybe like I was being over sensitive and a sook like he keeps saying. Its so hard to tell if this is what everyone else is going through as well if its normal and just not spoken about.

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    Default Confused. What has changed?

    Hugs OP. That is awful behaviour. To answer your question, I think it is normal for couples to go through a change when a baby comes along, it is a big change and the sleep deprivation paired with less 'couple time' is hard to adjust to. BUT the way he spoke to you is not on & he needs to put his big boy pants on and help you out.

    My DF struggled big time with the changes but he dealt with it like an adult & talked to me about his feelings and went to see someone when he felt he couldn't cope. If he spoke to me anything like your DP, I would be staying elsewhere for a few days. Don't get me wrong, it was a low point for us, but we both handled the situation and difficult times in a manner that was respectful to each other (ie no yelling, name calling, 6 hour pub stints after work).
    Last edited by lulupetal; 21-01-2016 at 11:34.

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    I agree with pp that yes its a big change for you both and having a child puts extra strain on ur relationship but there is NO excuse for the way he is treating you.

    I'd definitely confront him about his behavior, otherwise he will think its ok and its likely to get worse. If he gets abusive when u calmly have a chat with him, I'd ask him to leave for a few days and really think about whether he wants to be part of a family and a father. If he won't leave I'd go stay elsewhere with bubs for a few days and give both of u some time to think. Can u stay with ur Dad? Or a sibling? Cousin? Aunty? A close friend? You need a support network around u right now.

    I'm very sorry about ur mum op, big hugs and we are here if u need to vent etc and keep us updated. Xx

  9. #7
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    You poor thing hon. No this isn't normal. Nor is it respectful or acceptable.
    I have a 6 month old and gee whiz the past 6 months have been so hard. My DH and I are both sleep deprived and yes we have snapped at each other and got frustrated - 6 months of tiredness and the unrelenting dependence of a baby can do that to the best of us. BUT he has never yelled at me, never sworn at me and certainly if I was distressed and needed help he would switch off his frustration and help me no matter what time of day or night. There have been countless days where he's got home (and yes he comes straight home from work as he should to give me a break!) to a screaming baby and me in tears after a horror day. On those days he takes her from me and I go have a nice shower and do what I need to do. He gets that bub and I need a break from each other each day.
    Your partner is not being supportive and the yelling and swearing and not coming home is very worrying. Raising a baby is a 2 person job you need help and kindness not abuse. I know it can be hard to reach out for help but perhaps you can join a local mum's group for emotional support?
    As for your partner perhaps in the morning on the weekend (so not stressed at the end of a work day/no drinking involved) you could ask him if something is bothering him to make him act this way? Hopefully this is just a blip and he'll settle into his new role as a dad. I have no doubt it's challenging for the dads to adjust to this whole new world but the way he's acting is totally unacceptable and he needs to get a handle on it quick smart. If he can't/won't then you need to think about leaving that environment.

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  11. #8
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    I'll probably be shot down for this. ..and before I say it I don't think it is okay to speak to anyone like that.
    However. .a new baby is a huge change for men too. Not just us ladies. If it's your first then even more so. It sounds like he's acting out...my DH once said to me that having our daughter certainly changed everything and the adjustment was very challenging. I no longer was only dedicated to him. ..but had a little person and I was tired/hormonal /emotional.

    I'm not excusing the behaviour at all. .. but I think you need to talk with him about how you're feeling. Not late at night. Perhaps on the weekend with a bit of quiet time.

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  13. #9
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    Huge hugs from me, first off.

    My husband and I went through a couple of similar episodes when we brought our twins home. I was so shocked that my loving, caring, supportive husband had turned into this horrible person (or so I thought) overnight.

    Turns out, he was suffering from depression brought on by the stress of the babies. Once we addressed that and when he went back to work, everything went back to normal and he was his lovely, normal, supportive self.

    I'm not condoning his behaviour at all, but it's a HUGE adjustment for both parents, and it sounds like he is having trouble coping. Have a chat to your maternal health nurse, she will have some advice about services that can help you both.

    In the meantime, look after yourself and your baby. Can you have a calm conversation with your partner, without the baby in your arms, about the issue and that he may need to speak to someone?

    Good luck lovely x

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    I have to agree with Tam. Men ABSOLUTELY can experience postpartum depression as well. Obviously it's a different circumstance as the hormones are not a cause or significant impact the way it is for women.
    But I've seen many men who've gone through drastic changes in the first few months of their bubs life and it's rarely had anything to do with whether or not they're a good person but far more to do with stress, exhaustion and fear.

    Tam is right. His treatment of you is unfair and beyond unreasonable given what you're dealing with yourself. But men who are generally kind, caring and responsive are rarely suddenly changed without there being a good reason.
    I would wait until he's in a bit more of a relaxed mood and try to discuss it with him. Best if you can have a friend or family member take care of bub for an hour or two and go out for a coffee and really TALK. If you can't do that, make his favorite dinner and wait until bub is asleep.
    It sounds manipulative, but if he's not in a mood to even begin to talk about it, bringing it up will likely just cause him to get defensive.

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