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  1. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oela View Post
    And I do really appreciate all the help and responses, you've really helped me get through these thoughts and feelings and make some sense of it. Thanks so much
    If you're comfortable keep us updated with how your conversation with DH goes.

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oela View Post
    not sure about the police now, I really don't know if that's the right thing to do I don't want to ruin his life over it but I want him so scared and I want him to feel so ashamed that he never ever dares to do this again and that there are very serious consequences, he will never get away with it
    OP I've been reading along with this today. I think you've handled things very well so far. It's certainly made me question how I would handle something like this with my own DD.
    My only concern is the above comment you made. IMO I don't think shaming and scaring is the right outcome. Treatment (intensive counseling and assessment) and dealing with this young person's issues to prevent it happening again is what needs to happen. Shame and suppression could let inappropriate feelings fester and develop.
    Personally (and it's so easy for me to say this as a bystander) i would take the family aspect out of the equation. If it was a friend's child or some other random teenager your DD came into contact with what would your course of action be? How severe would you see the actions then? Would you approach the same? What outcome would be sought? Just because it's a relative does not change the behaviour and the future potential for danger so should not change the consequence in my view.
    This young person does not need a stern talking to. He needs significant professional psychological help to discuss and work through this incident and his feelings. Notwithstanding a significant intellectual/development impairment I cannot see that any 15 year old would consider this interaction with a 4 year old to be ok.
    As for your DD I would be lead by an organization such as bravehearts as to what the next steps should be. My deepest compassion to you op this is a fraught situation. I hope your DD is ok.

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  4. #43
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    I think your DH is grossly misguided and needs to wake up to himself. If his brother was best placed to look after his own 15 year old child then this wouldn't have happened.

    I'm sorry but if this was me I would tell my hubby I do not support his decision and will be taking matters further with or without him. Time to put his own child and the welfare of other innocent children before his ties with his brother.

    I would definitely seek professional help. A trained professional is best placed to assess that nothing else has happened (don't assume the 15 year old would tell you the truth and don't necessarily assume your 4 year old has the capacity to do so). Please don't question your daughter yourself and don't let your husband. A professional needs to handle this. And yes a professional will be obliged to report it.

    Do not deny your child the professional help she needs because your hubby is worried about his relationship with his brother.

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  6. #44
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    I will definitely call and speak to someone tomorrow. I have no idea how to deal with this, I have no idea what's right or wrong and everyone's words are being taken seriously, you're absolutely right in everything you guys are saying. I never wanted to be in this situation and it's making me sick, I was abused as a child myself that's why I started the body safety talks early with my kids and I hope this is why dd knew it was wrong and told me. I thought I was so careful about these things, I don't even know how he had the nerve when I was right here!! He wasn't even scared to get caught? I don't know I can't get my head around it. Why does this stuff happen, why does it follow me? I just can't believe it.
    She's almost 5 starting prep in a couple of weeks and I need to make sure I've done the right thing supporting her. She is my only concern, maybe I should have her talk to a professional? She can get very repetitive so I don't want to talk too much about it with her because she will talk about it non stop. She's slready asking me if I'm still proud of her for telling me. I did talk to both of them again before bed and she said he asked her to put her leg on his ?? And she got scared and said no you don't do that and she came downstairs, she also said him kissing her tongue was disgusting I don't want germs I'm pretty angry now. Another sleepless night. She should never have to deal with this. I told them X won't come here again and he's in a lot of trouble, she was actually confused by that but then nodded as if she understood. I want my kids to know how wrong anything like that is even at their age, cousin or no cousin they're out!
    Did anything else happen? I think that was it. I want to strangle him. But no I'm not letting this go believe me, I don't know what the right thing is but I'll be talking to someone tomorrow to find out exactly what I should do now, for dd because she's my only concern and if counseling is recommended for her I'll do that, whatever I'm told to do I'll be doing that. This will not affect her like it did me when I was young, I'll die before I let that happen

  7. #45
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    Default WARNING TRIGGER - Very Sensitive Post

    Quote Originally Posted by Oela View Post
    I think I need professional advice. I don't want to fight with dh and go behind his back get police involved and cause a big storm.
    Good idea to get advice. Just wanted to add that you have every right to have a different opinion on this than your hubby. You have very right to instigate a response that is different from your hubby's. You have a responsibility to do what you feel is best not what will least upset your husband (who IMO is way off base with what he thinks is an appropriate response). If your husband has a problem with you taking an independent stance on this then **** him.

    Wishing you all the strength in dealing with this xx
    Last edited by VicPark; 20-01-2016 at 21:05.

  8. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oela View Post
    I She is my only concern, maybe I should have her talk to a professional? She can get very repetitive so I don't want to talk too much about it with her because she will talk about it non stop. She's slready asking me if I'm still proud of her for telling me. I did talk to both of them again before bed and she said he asked her to put her leg on his ?? And she got scared and said no you don't do that and she came downstairs, she also said him kissing her tongue was disgusting I don't want germs
    Yes yes yes yes yes! Absolutely have a trained professional talk to your child! Please do not continue to question your child yourself - I know your intentions are good however continued parental questioning could very well be tainting the truth.

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  10. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oela View Post
    Did anything else happen? I think that was it.
    Hun you have been through the wringer and are not best placed to make that call. Please have a trained medical professional make that determination.

  11. #48
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    It's making me sick thinking about it, I'm praying that was it, but you're right I shouldn't make that call myself I don't have enough experience to know 100%

  12. #49
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    I want to take her to the dr tomorrow now, dh will think I'm over reacting but my mind is racing, I need to be sure nothing else happened. How can I be sure? I'm so naïve to think I would know, ofcourse I wouldn't how could I? omg she's in my bed tonight I won't even leave her side I just want to cry

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    I really feel for you. Its something no child or parent should ever have to go through. Big, big hugs. It might be worth looking into some counselling for yourself as well as its a very traumatic thing for a parent to have to confront.

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