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  1. #11
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    Default WARNING TRIGGER - Very Sensitive Post

    Agree with the others on your response to your DD and to take it seriously now. I think I'd also rip the 15 year old to (proverbial) shreds over it so he knows just how big a line he's crossed. I teach teenagers and they know that sh!t like that is NOT okay. Tbh I would probably tell my DH to threaten him if he had tongue-kissed my 4 year old but that's not a very PC thing to say. 😣

  2. #12
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    I agree you have handled the situation very well, with you daughter. I am sure she wont be scared to tell you anything in the future. I like the idea of being a 'no secrets' family. That was talked about in another thread quite some time ago. As for the 15yr old. I don't like that he told your 4 yr old. to not tell anyone or She would be in trouble. that shows that he knew what he was doing was wrong, and that he expected He would be in trouble if any adults found out. that is devious, on top of it being very wrong. I don't quite agree with Vicpark, in throwing the book at him, just over this one incident. perhaps there is more to his history, perhaps he has been abused, perhaps it was just a one off thing and he might never do anything bad again. I do think it needs to be talked about in an open and frank manner, and it has to be made very clear that what he did was totally wrong, and wont be just ignored. This needs to be dealt with, and not just by never allowing him in your house again. some counselling, some outside legal input perhaps. I am sure you have done a very good job in dealing with the incident. hugs, marie.

  3. #13
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    How awful for you and your family. It sounds like you've done an amazing job supporting your daughter.

    Honestly if this was me, I would be going straight to the police or child welfare and asking where to go from here. I would take no prisoners. A 15 year old who abuses children turns into a grown man who abuses children.

    I wouldn't leave it up to his parents to deal with because you will never know how seriously they have taken all of this. And it goes without saying that my daughter would never have contact with the teenager again.

    None of this is your fault. Most abuse occurs by someone the child/ family knows and trusts.

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    I'm so sorry this has happened OP.

    Personally I would be ringing the police. Then inform the dad. This boy needs help, and I would need to feel 110% confident that he is going to get it. I wouldn't trust the dad to follow through with psychologists etc, it would be such a difficult thing to hear that your child did this, so I imagine that some people might find it easier just to pretend it never happened. So for that reason, I believe authorities need to be involved.
    He is 15. He should know that this is wrong. Well in fact, he DOES know this is wrong, as he told your DD to keep it secret. That is a HUGE worry IMO.

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  7. #15
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    Thanks everyone for your advice. I agree with all of you and I'm in that exact mind, but now I'm at odds with dh, he's upset aswell and has already spoken to X and tonight he'll talk to his brother, but he doesn't want me to get any police involved or make demands, he thinks it's up to his brother to deal with his son his way. I'm not happy with that, I feel like I should demand he gets help and this isn't something he should get 'disciplined' for or be swept under the carpet, because it's more than a discipline thing, it's not like he did something wrong and that's it, I think this is really serious and it involves the safety of other children. I do want to get this on record, but now how do I do that without causing a rift between me and dh? I might have to call someone, not sure who, and get advice. I'm in Vic. The situation with my dd is over, thankfully it didn't advance, I learnt a big lesson about safety even under my nose and he won't get anywhere near my children again, if I see him I'm afraid I'll lose it at the little piece of sht. But now I'm afraid his dad won't do the right thing, maybe he will, but I can't be responsible for him hurting someone in the future. The signs are there in my opinion, very abnormal behavior.

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    That's pretty crappy that DH isn't supporting you. I imagine it is very hard for him to be torn like this. At the end of the day though, your dd safety and the safety of other children should come first. I'm a paediatric nurse, if I had heard of this situation in my workplace or knew you personally I would be legally obliged to report it. I don't think any exceptions should be made just because they are family.
    Stick to your guns. You're doing the right thing even though it's really really hard.

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  10. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oela View Post
    Thanks everyone for your advice. I agree with all of you and I'm in that exact mind, but now I'm at odds with dh, he's upset aswell and has already spoken to X and tonight he'll talk to his brother, but he doesn't want me to get any police involved or make demands, he thinks it's up to his brother to deal with his son his way. I'm not happy with that, I feel like I should demand he gets help and this isn't something he should get 'disciplined' for or be swept under the carpet, because it's more than a discipline thing, it's not like he did something wrong and that's it, I think this is really serious and it involves the safety of other children. I do want to get this on record, but now how do I do that without causing a rift between me and dh? I might have to call someone, not sure who, and get advice. I'm in Vic. The situation with my dd is over, thankfully it didn't advance, I learnt a big lesson about safety even under my nose and he won't get anywhere near my children again, if I see him I'm afraid I'll lose it at the little piece of sht. But now I'm afraid his dad won't do the right thing, maybe he will, but I can't be responsible for him hurting someone in the future. The signs are there in my opinion, very abnormal behavior.
    I understand your worry. I also think that this should be taken further as well. Maybe when you sit down with DH and have a serious discussion about keeping the children in your family safe and ask him how he would feel if he found out X molested more kids after this happened. If it was me, I would give the father an ultimatum: either he deals with it properly and escalates it or you and DH will.

    I totally get that it's family, but that becomes redundant when molestation is involved. I mean, would either of you really want anything to do with the brother if he were to sweep it under the rug? I wouldn't.

  11. #18
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    I just found this for you. Get your dh to have a read and please reiterate that a 15 year old kissing a 4 year old is absolutely considered sexual abuse.
    Hope it helps x

    https://aifs.gov.au/cfca/publication...use-key-issues

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  13. #19
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    Big hugs Op, what an awful thing to have happened to your Dd. You've handled yourself really well, given the difficult position you've been put in. I agree with A&S, you still need to advocate on behalf of your Dd. What would your Dh's reaction be if it was a different 15 year old? The fact that X is family should not alter the consequences for his actions, and in my opinion it actually puts your Dd at higher risk for future incidences such as this. For your relationships sake, you and DH need to be on the same page, I know it must be awkward for your DH but at the end of the day your Dd's safety absolutely needs to come first. Please don't stop advocating for her. X's behaviour is not normal. And the fact that he told your Dd not to tell really sets those alarm bells off, it made me feel sick actually

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    I'm get where your dh is coming from. I kind of agree with him but I also understand where your coming from. It could also signal abuse x has experienced or is experiencing.

    I think let your dh talk with his brother and then go from there. If you want it documented maybe you could visit your gp? Maybe ask it be documented but also state you are going to push for x to get counselling and possibly some for your dd if it seems like it is going to be an issue for her.

    I understand the seriousness of what has happened but I have also seen what happens when these things get put on someones permanent record. They grow up physically and mentally and it's a black mark forever against their name.

    While it does involve the safety of other children, imagine if x was your child and things were reversed. I would want to be given the opportunity to deal with things my own way which would absolutely involve counselling and a great deal of conversation regarding boundaries.

    Also the consequences of x being labeled a pedo at school would be huge. Particularly if police are involved.

    On the other hand if, after talking to x dad, it seems this is an ongoing issue or his dad already had concerns then I would push for some form of official intervention, be it police or whatever.

    Im so sorry your dd went through that.


 

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