WARNING TRIGGER - Very Sensitive Post. Contains some issues of possible abuse.
I'm not new to Bubhub I've been here when my kids were babies, so excuse the first post situation. I need some advice and I didn't know who to talk to as I'm very confused about the situation or how to handle it. I need some anonymous advice I can't talk to anyone else.
Please no judgment, only kindness would be appreciated, I'm feeling very upset and confused right now
On the weekend, Friday afternoon my dh brought over his 15 year old nephew to stay the weekend, he's never stayed over before, not for a long time since he was younger, since he's started highschool we haven't seen much of him but we saw alot of him when he was younger. When my dh dropped him off (we'll call my nephew X) dh went to a friends place and left me with dd who is 4 years old and my ds who is 6 years old. X went upstairs to play on his ipad and laptop and I was downstairs but within reach, my kids were excited he was here and followed him around everywhere, especially my ds who is obsessed with his older cousins. Anyway, my kids were coming up and down frequently, I didn't go up but would call out here or there, they weren't up there longer than 10minutes at a time? So I didn't feel like I needed to go check on them and could hear them. So anyway, dh came home around 8ish, and he worked on Saturday so we were home again till he came home around 2ish. X stayed Saturday and then Sunday they all went out and dh took him home in the afternoon.
So last night being Tuesday I was cooking dinner, out of the blue dd came up to me and said 'X kissed me on the mouth' I said what? where? she pointed to her mouth and said here, I said oh ok, when did he do that? She said when we were playing and ... (ds) was sleeping ?? She said am I going to get in trouble? I said no ofcourse not why would you say that? I wasn't making a big deal just being very calm, I said did he do anything else? She was getting very agitated and said I can't tell you, I said why can't you tell me? Yes you can you are not in trouble, she said he told me not to tell you. So I reassured her and she said he kissed me on the mouth, so again I said anything else? She said then he was playing on the ipad. I didn't want to directly ask because I didn't want to put the idea in her head, I just wanted her to tell me. So that was it.
When dh came home from work I told him, I said I just had a very strange conversation with dd, she said this out of nowhere, we weren't even talking about anything she just said all this stuff?
So I said to dd your dad wants to talk to you about X, she was upset and said noooooo I don't want to, I re-assured her she's not in trouble again. So I was in her room doing her clothes and dh asked her what happened and she said exactly the same thing, then he said show me how he kissed you, she showed him, he came in the room and told me, it was with his tongue so that's when I really got agitated and upset. We both said to dd when anyone says to you don't tell your mum or dad, you should always tell us, I said thank you so much for telling me, I'm so proud of you and I praised her and hugged her and she was happy again. I'm always talking to the kids about body safety, and she knew it was wrong and she felt that. I'm so thankful she told me, because I don't want to think if he stayed again which he was planning to over the holidays what could have happened. I asked her again today quite casually, if he did anything else, this time I asked directly if he touched her, she said no. I said tell me what exactly happened, she said he said come here and he did that, and I asked if it was only once and she said yes. So I again said you are never in trouble, X did the wrong thing and she said yes he did the wrong thing and we talked about body safety again. I'm just still so thankful she was able to tell me, so so thankful.
Dh called X today and asked him, he denied it at first but then he came clean, he told dh how it happened which is exactly how dd told me it happened. He doesn't know why he did it.
Now we are at a crossroad of how to handle this. I don't know what to do, his mother is not in the picture, well she is but she has alcohol issues and we aren't close, he lives with his dad (dh's brother) and we are going to tell his dad but unsure how. I want to be sensitive to X he is 15, I feel upset that he was so devious about it, that he did it to his cousin! who is only 4? What would posses him to do that? I feel like even with raging hormones or wanting to experiment, it's just not normal to do that to a 4 year old who didn't know what was happening. It's just so wrong. I can't help but my mind race, has he done this to anyone else? Is this the start of child sexual tendancies? This is really scaring me. Do I push his dad to get him counselling? If it was my son at 15 doing this I would want to know and seriously get professional help. I just don't know what is normal, what to do, what would you do? Maybe he was abused as a child? Maybe this is going to come out? I don't want all the family finding out and causing him stress, I want to be sensitive but I want him to understand it was wrong and he can never ever do this again, to anyone! It was a kiss, thankfully that's it and I don't know but to me that's still a big deal? Like he's 15 he is old enough to know that was wrong, and she is only 4 AND his cousin, but she is so young that just can't be normal. I don't ever remember wanting to do that to a small child at 15, neither does dh. It was a kiss but I still think it was very sinister, very devious, he made her think she would get in trouble if she told, she was clearly uncomfortable, and I feel violated, he violated my trust, her trust, she is just a little girl who was innocently following her cousin and wanting to play games in the ipad etc. and he went and did that?
I'm so upset and confused. I can't believe this happened, I would never have thought it could I was right here, it was literally right under my nose? My sense of safety has been shattered, I didn't protect my children and I feel gutted about it Why did this happen? I can't even look at him right now. I don't know if I could ever be in his presence he's made me sick and completely ruined my trust
Thanks for listening and reading. Very upset mum.