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  1. #261
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    Co dependency is such an old fashioned concept. What the op is experiencing is emotional abuse. It's extremely complicated and very hard to extricate yourself from. It's not as simple as just leaving.

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  3. #262
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    ***please don't quote. I may come back later and delete****

    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    the impression I get from your posts is that you're still very much enmeshed with this guy and his toxic dance. as much as you say you're not, I'm seeing a willing partner here who is engaging with a destructive man. you're both suffering co dependency issues and you need eachother. he needs an enabler and you need someone to "fix".
    I read this earlier today and disagree.

    The OP has been abused for years by this male. Any self respect she had would have beaten out of her years ago (metaphorically speaking). It is very difficult to understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship unless you have been there. Even harder if it is long term.

    Being in an abusive relationship that spans 10 / 20 /30 years of abuse is a different kettle of fish to getting out at the first signs of abuse or after a year or two. I'm not minimising the abuse experienced by women fortunate enough to get out early on. Just putting it out there that I have been where the OP is (very long term abusive relationship) and my head space was completely different two years in compared to 18 years in. Two years in I still had some self respect. 18 years on I couldn't look myself in the mirror without hating myself.

    After having had two kids with him, I sold my soul to the devil and made a subconscious decision to stay. I gave up the fight and lost little bits of myself until I had nothing left.

    After 18 years, I had been conditioned to believe that my exdh's behaviour was normal and there was something wrong with me for questioning it. His behaviour was our normal. I only noticed or questioned it when it was ramped up a notch.

    Towards the end I thought the only way I was getting out was in a coffin. Not from any physical threat, but from a complete psychological breakdown.

    It takes on average seven attempts to leave an abusive partner. It is a very difficult path to go down, when you have been conditioned to believe that you are useless.

    The OP needs support not ridicule. I think that posting on here and admitting things aren't great is a brave step forward.
    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 20-02-2016 at 16:54.

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  5. #263
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyflower View Post
    Co dependency is such an old fashioned concept. What the op is experiencing is emotional abuse. It's extremely complicated and very hard to extricate yourself from. It's not as simple as just leaving.
    Agree 100%

    To me the term codependency is a form of victim blaming.
    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 20-02-2016 at 16:53.

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  7. #264
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    I don't want to add to the to and fro or add to any angst for the OP or anyone in this thread with a history of abuse. But to be fair, the members of this forum has been very supportive and caring towards the OP for a long period of time. If she was to see a (good) counsellor, once her story and rapport was established, they would start to put some of the questions on the table that have been posted in this thread. Part of a therapeutic relationship is about enabling the client to gain insight into their issues, without that nothing changes. They would be asking the OP what she wanted for her kids as adults, what was her relationship teaching them? What function was her staying serving? What was her long term plan?

    I'm aware this is a forum and most of us aren't counsellors or clinicians. I get this is her place to vent and that's both understandable and fine. But I'm not sure that just offering her hugs and understanding is what is best for her. Sometimes outsiders see what we don't and I feel people are usually 99% respectful (really to a fault) in these and other relationship threads.

    Co-dependency is an old term, and I get that there is victim blaming vibe to it. But given many here aren't counsellors they are using terms people are familiar with and the underpinning notion of what co-dependency can be can be real and is also a valid discussion generally.

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  9. #265
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I don't want to add to the to and fro or add to any angst for the OP or anyone in this thread with a history of abuse. But to be fair, the members of this forum has been very supportive and caring towards the OP for a long period of time. If she was to see a (good) counsellor, once her story and rapport was established, they would start to put some of the questions on the table that have been posted in this thread. Part of a therapeutic relationship is about enabling the client to gain insight into their issues, without that nothing changes. They would be asking the OP what she wanted for her kids as adults, what was her relationship teaching them? What function was her staying serving? What was her long term plan?

    I'm aware this is a forum and most of us aren't counsellors or clinicians. I get this is her place to vent and that's both understandable and fine. But I'm not sure that just offering her hugs and understanding is what is best for her. Sometimes outsiders see what we don't and I feel people are usually 99% respectful (really to a fault) in these and other relationship threads.

    Co-dependency is an old term, and I get that there is victim blaming vibe to it. But given many here aren't counsellors they are using terms people are familiar with and the underpinning notion of what co-dependency can be can be real and is also a valid discussion generally.
    This is exactly where I'm coming from.

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  11. #266
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyflower View Post
    It's not as simple as just leaving.
    I completely agree. I don't think anyone thinks it is, particularly in this case where it has been going on so long. But sometimes the best advice we can ever receive is from others who are not emotionally invested and make us think deeply. Yes she is a victim, but she is also a survivor. I feel like many of us are trying to get her to see the latter. That she can be, and is stronger than she knows. Bc when we get bogged down being a victim as opposed to a survivor nothing ever changes.

    Now clearly I'm not saying in ANY way this is her fault. I'm simply trying to point out that reinforcing what is a powerless trait is not useful when strength and resilience can be reinforced.

    I hope that makes sense.

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  13. #267
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    People leave when they are ready though. Sometimes that takes a long time. Sometimes that's frustrating to outsiders that don't really get it. That's my point

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  15. #268
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    The OP needs support not ridicule. I think that posting on here and admitting things aren't great is a brave step forward.

    The above was written by another member. I get it, I've been there as a child and understand things better as an adult survivor with children. We are seeing the thoughts, feelings and self talk of another human. If it is not possible for you to continue to provide support, guidance and understanding in a very difficult situation, and is frustrating for you personally to not see action - I suggest you unsubscribe to the thread, please don't add unhelpful commentary, it seems to makes the OP question herself, her outlet and her worth, which I think is actually worse for her, not better.
    Last edited by KitiK; 20-02-2016 at 21:44.

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  17. #269
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    Default Have you ever been at your worst

    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledPansy View Post
    I am so so scared and alone and he has now found himself in a position after all these years earning a good wage and rubs this in my face constantly saying that he will be able to spoil the kids and do alot more with them than I ever could when we split before ...I know what a broken home dose to kids and it breaks my heart that I have brought them into this life that we live I hate myself so much for it ...
    I'm from a 'broken home'. My dad left in the end when it should have been my mum years earlier. Dad not being around was the best thing that ever happened to us kids. He had more money than mum when they split but that doesn't mean love. I really am not saying this to hurt you but I really resented my mum for not leaving much earlier. My dad didn't get physical as such, it was very much emotional. It was a constant walking on eggshells feelings. Kids pick up on more than you realise. Every single one of us kids (I'm eldest of 5) know exactly what kind of person my dad is - and that isn't due to my mum cause to her credit she was careful never to say anything bad about him. I really hope that you find the strength to see your own value. My mum was a totally different person after my dad went and the whole atmosphere of the house just lifted. It is NEVER too late to extricate yourself xxx

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  19. #270
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    Quote Originally Posted by RuffledPansy View Post
    I know what you are all saying. ..and I agree. ..
    I'm scared. ...I love him but I'm so angry and hurt from all that he has done and it hurts that he doesn't give a **** ....I want to love and have someone love me and to love and give my kids what they deserve. ..it not too much to ask is it ...
    Also, the one thing that really stuck with me after my parents split... "I love your mum, I just can't live with her". Loving someone doesn't mean having to put up with their c.rap. It just means you having to decide if you love yourself more.

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