I feel like such a coward...
I feel like such a coward...
You are not a coward. You've been at the hands of all kinds of abuse for 23 long years! You can't just pack your bags and go tomorrow, no worries.
This is one big long process than none of us can fully understand (unless of course we have been in a similar relationship)
For putting up with it for so long .....and needing or thinking or wanting him to be the reason that I walk ...if he goes in April knowing that will be the slap in the face that I won't be able to excuse or forgive or deny. ..
I struggle with why it's so hard for me and ask myself why and wish I was stronger....even though maybe I should next time he isn't home go out on my own and if anything was to happen go with it it may push me to leave ....but I scared I will find someone exactly the same or worse ...and telling myself that maybe I should appreciate what I have and their are some women in worse situations ...then I get a flash back to reality remembering all of your posts .....😳
You're not a coward, you have been horribly manipulated over a very long period of time, which leads you to doubt yourself. When you leave him you'll begin to get insight over what he's been doing to you. It's also not your fault in any way that this has happened to you. Do you have people irl you can lean on to help you?
don't focus on negative things like telling yourself you're a coward. that's still your husband's negative words trying to put you down and control you into submission. stop the negative self talk and focus on the positives. you're a strong woman who is pursuing her career choices and is in the process of leaving a negative situation and toxic person.
Being in a toxic relationship can feel like you're stuck in quicksand.
Logically you know you must leave, but when you're in it, you can't think rationally. You've been worn down and emotionally drained for so long that the idea of summoning up an ounce of positivity or courage seems insurmountable.
And, you want it to work, as crazy as that sounds to everyone else, this is your life, all you've known for 23 years. It's a HUGE step.
You aren't a coward.
Well it looks like it is well and truly coming to an end or shall I say at a end ....I got home the other night and checked my email and I signed up a year ago for notifications to be sent to me if someone try to access credit on my behalf with Veda and low and be hold someone has and veda sent me a email stating just that.
While I was reading and just about to inquire about it via a phone call he comes up after me what's wrong what's up what are you doing and I tell him what happened and he quickly says that it was him...
I got angry and said why didn't he tell me and he said he forgot...
I said so it took a email for me to find out ...and I'm ****ed that he did this and I'm ****ed that I had to find out by the email and him not telling me ...
He said that I received a email to our home email he read it because it was offering a credit increase for me and when he read it he clicked on the link supposedly not knowing what it would do and in return sent me a email saying that I applied for a increased credit and just needed to supply payslips and stuff ..
Now because I'm angry about it he now has the ****s and isn't talking to me and turned it all on me..
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