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  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redcorset View Post
    She's ignored my message I sent her yesterday trying to smooth it out so what more can I do? I'll just have to let her have her tanty and see if we can move on when she eventually starts talking to us again *sigh*
    I get where you are coming from. My MIL is good, but when DD was 3.5 y/o she planned to take her on a 2 hour train trip to the city to see the Christmas decorations. She didnt want to tell me where they were going, she just said to pack her a hat and a cardigan and they would be back around 6pm. I said "oooh, sounds exciting. where are you off to". her response was "oh its a surprise" and i very nicely said "yes, I will keep it a surprise from DD but i need to know where you are going". She then told me. Luckily I was actually okay with it and didnt have to tell her no, but i would not have been okay with her going and me not knowing. The next time she tried something similar, again I said "sure DD would love to spend the day with you and Pa, what are your plans" and she told me no problem. Since then, she tells me what her plans are.

    As for your MIL at this point in time. Honestly, I'd ignore her and let her realise that her tanty is not going to have you backing down. Let her make the first contact and dont be drawn into any further discussion about it.

    Good luck.

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  3. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redcorset View Post
    Thats how I feel - I just want to know roughly where she'll be when she's being looked after. It doesn't feel right to me to not know where my daughter is.

    As for history - we used to get along great, and for the most part we still do but since DH and I had children a few issues popped up here and there and he would always address it with her. DH has had a few other issues separate to me/the kids that he's raised with her and she always makes it into a massive drama. Tears/walking out/not answering the phone/be standoffish for weeks after.

    After yesterday she's gone down the same line again. She told DH she can't believe the rules she has to live by and she wont take them swimming in case they get burnt....? (She loves the beach and swimming but because he chatted to her about sunscreen she's taken offence)

    She's ignored my message I sent her yesterday trying to smooth it out so what more can I do? I'll just have to let her have her tanty and see if we can move on when she eventually starts talking to us again *sigh*
    If I didn't know better I'd say we have the same MIL! We had similar issues. I think some of them feel this sense of ownership over their grandkids or feel they have a right to a relationship with them that is entirely separate from the parents.

    Our situation came to a head when my MIL caused an accident that could have killed our newborn. All we wanted to do was talk about it and the general concerns we were having. DH was going to talk to her alone so she wouldn't feel ganged up on. She reached exactly the way you described. Difference was that that time the incident was so serious that we couldn't let it slide without a conversation. Three years later she's never agreed to talk about it, and we've kept our word and never let her be alone with her grandkids.

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  5. #53
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    Default MIL issues - Can anyone help?

    Quote Originally Posted by Redcorset View Post
    Thats how I feel - I just want to know roughly where she'll be when she's being looked after. It doesn't feel right to me to not know where my daughter is.
    *
    OP are you sure not knowing where your MIL is taking your daughter is the issue? From your original post it seems like you were more than ok with not knowing where your MIL was taking your DD.

    Quote Originally Posted by Redcorset View Post
    . I never asked where she was going or what she was doing with DD as previously I found she gets defensive if I ask. So I pack her a little bag and off she goes and comes home a few hours later.

    Any chance your behaviors in this regard led your MIL to think that she didn't need to give you a detailed run down of where she was taking your daughter?

    From the outside it appears this whole business is either about:
    1) your (IMO) unreasonable demands that mil should have sought permission before taking your dd to get her nails done. AND/OR
    2) historical stuff which the BH audience doesn't really know enough about to make a call on. Not saying your mil doesn't have issues by any means.
    3) something else that you may be going through.

    I don't think not knowing is the core issue at hand.
    Last edited by VicPark; 20-01-2016 at 22:27.

  6. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sally1981 View Post
    If I didn't know better I'd say we have the same MIL! We had similar issues. I think some of them feel this sense of ownership over their grandkids or feel they have a right to a relationship with them that is entirely separate from the parents.

    Our situation came to a head when my MIL caused an accident that could have killed our newborn. All we wanted to do was talk about it and the general concerns we were having. DH was going to talk to her alone so she wouldn't feel ganged up on. She reached exactly the way you described. Difference was that that time the incident was so serious that we couldn't let it slide without a conversation. Three years later she's never agreed to talk about it, and we've kept our word and never let her be alone with her grandkids.
    omg that's so scary! do you feel comfortable sharing or not?

    it's a real worry, the idea of leaving a helpless and totally dependent baby (especially when they're tiny newborns!) with others. I know nobody's family members are out to cause injury, but things can happen in milliseconds and by then, it can be too late.

    I wouldn't really trust my mil with my baby. I feel shocking saying that, she's really lovely (not without her issues but we get along well) but I just don't really trust her. she never really mothered her own 2 kids (went straight back to work and had family look after them) and she's not exactly a capable adult (very clingy/needy, always needs help etc). she's not someone who really instills a sense of confidence in others as she comes across as needy and incapable. so for that reason, no I won't be leaving her with my child. at least not until I'm comfortable for her to be alone with him. luckily dh is on the same page as me so there's no conflict about it.

    I think all these mils behaving like sulky preschoolers is terrible. I think it sounds like thru do seem to think they have some kind of right or entitlement to some kind of special relationship that doesn't include the parents. the idea of taking someone else's child someplace and not telling the parents is so dumb. like it's not too much of a stretch to think, well what would the parents do if something happened? to think you can take someone else's child out and not inform the parents (even if it's with the grandparents) just blows my mind. nobody should ever expect a parent to be ok with that. nobody. not ever.

    stand your ground ladies, these are your kids and ultimately you are responsible for them and are the ones left wearing the consequences of someone else's actions. don't be bullied into keeping quiet or going with the flow of there's something you're not comfortable with.

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  8. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sally1981 View Post
    If I didn't know better I'd say we have the same MIL! We had similar issues. I think some of them feel this sense of ownership over their grandkids or feel they have a right to a relationship with them that is entirely separate from the parents.

    Our situation came to a head when my MIL caused an accident that could have killed our newborn. All we wanted to do was talk about it and the general concerns we were having. DH was going to talk to her alone so she wouldn't feel ganged up on. She reached exactly the way you described. Difference was that that time the incident was so serious that we couldn't let it slide without a conversation. Three years later she's never agreed to talk about it, and we've kept our word and never let her be alone with her grandkids.
    omg that's so scary! do you feel comfortable sharing or not?

    it's a real worry, the idea of leaving a helpless and totally dependent baby (especially when they're tiny newborns!) with others. I know nobody's family members are out to cause injury, but things can happen in milliseconds and by then, it can be too late.

    I wouldn't really trust my mil with my baby. I feel shocking saying that, she's really lovely (not without her issues but we get along well) but I just don't really trust her. she never really mothered her own 2 kids (went straight back to work and had family look after them) and she's not exactly a capable adult (very clingy/needy, always needs help etc). she's not someone who really instills a sense of confidence in others as she comes across as needy and incapable. so for that reason, no I won't be leaving her with my child. at least not until I'm comfortable for her to be alone with him. luckily dh is on the same page as me so there's no conflict about it.

    I think all these mils behaving like sulky preschoolers is terrible. I think it sounds like thru do seem to think they have some kind of right or entitlement to some kind of special relationship that doesn't include the parents. the idea of taking someone else's child someplace and not telling the parents is so dumb. like it's not too much of a stretch to think, well what would the parents do if something happened? to think you can take someone else's child out and not inform the parents (even if it's with the grandparents) just blows my mind. nobody should ever expect a parent to be ok with that. nobody. not ever.

    stand your ground ladies, these are your kids and ultimately you are responsible for them and are the ones left wearing the consequences of someone else's actions. don't be bullied into keeping quiet or going with the flow of there's something you're not comfortable with.

  9. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sally1981 View Post
    If I didn't know better I'd say we have the same MIL! We had similar issues. I think some of them feel this sense of ownership over their grandkids or feel they have a right to a relationship with them that is entirely separate from the parents.

    Our situation came to a head when my MIL caused an accident that could have killed our newborn. All we wanted to do was talk about it and the general concerns we were having. DH was going to talk to her alone so she wouldn't feel ganged up on. She reached exactly the way you described. Difference was that that time the incident was so serious that we couldn't let it slide without a conversation. Three years later she's never agreed to talk about it, and we've kept our word and never let her be alone with her grandkids.
    Omg! That is terrible. I don't blame you for not trusting her.
    I don't trust my mil either. She is always under the influence of something, whether it be alcohol or Marijuana. Plus she smokes cigarettes. She's been in a few car accidents over the years too, all her fault. And she asks us to take ds1 out for the day. There is no way in hell i will ever let her drive him anywhere, let alone take him out. I won't even let her babysit. Not to mention the fact i don't trust she won't have fil come over to see our kids if she was to babysit in our home. Thats a whole different issue but we haven't seen or spoken to him in almost 2 years. He's never met ds2.
    I agree with turquoisecoast stand your ground ladies!! I am!

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  11. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post

    I don't think not knowing is the core issue at hand.
    No, not knowing is not the core issue. I never said it was? I've tried to explain there are other issues such as not respecting boundaries and blantantly ignoring rules like sunscreen and no dairy. I never ask or expect a "detailed run down" of where she is taking my daughter.

    I respect that you don't see the nail thing as an issue. I do, as do others IRL and on this forum. We are all different and I appreciate everyones input.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GirlsRock View Post
    I get where you are coming from. My MIL is good, but when DD was 3.5 y/o she planned to take her on a 2 hour train trip to the city to see the Christmas decorations. She didnt want to tell me where they were going, she just said to pack her a hat and a cardigan and they would be back around 6pm. I said "oooh, sounds exciting. where are you off to". her response was "oh its a surprise" and i very nicely said "yes, I will keep it a surprise from DD but i need to know where you are going". She then told me. Luckily I was actually okay with it and didnt have to tell her no, but i would not have been okay with her going and me not knowing. The next time she tried something similar, again I said "sure DD would love to spend the day with you and Pa, what are your plans" and she told me no problem. Since then, she tells me what her plans are.

    As for your MIL at this point in time. Honestly, I'd ignore her and let her realise that her tanty is not going to have you backing down. Let her make the first contact and dont be drawn into any further discussion about it.

    Good luck.
    That's nice that she now lets you know what her plans are.

    And I'm taking your advice and wont try contact her. DH said the same, he's just going to wait for her to get over it.

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  14. #59
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    I would have an issue with the nail thing and so would DH, not just because it was a 'first ' but also for hygiene, I'm really picky about where I go. I'm also unsure if I think it is an appropriate place for a child, but I only have a 2 year old boy so I am sure my attitude would change if I had a little girly girl. As a former nanny, I believe that besides just letting a parent know where you are taking their child that you also ask if they are ok with you doing any type of activity that is not a standard child activity (library, park, etc). For me this isn't about firsts but also respecting that what you think sounds like a fun outing the parent may actually think is inappropriate and they deserve to make that call because it is their child. I don't buy the attitude that grandparents just get a free pass to do what they like because they are the grandparents. I completely agree that a relationship with grandparents is important, that it is never bad for a child to have more people in their life that love them. But, that relationship of love can still flourish and exist while respecting boundaries a parent has set and respecting that they just naturally deserve to decide what is best for their child.

    I feel for you OP, I have a hard time trusting my own mom with DS as I feel she's made some pretty idiotic decisions around him and is just oblivious but my MIL is used to taking complete control of my nephews so when she visits there's definitely head butting since I am a completely different compared to SIL (her daughter) in terms of how I let her grandparent, but I am also just a completely different parent than SIL full stop.

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  16. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sally1981 View Post
    If I didn't know better I'd say we have the same MIL! We had similar issues. I think some of them feel this sense of ownership over their grandkids or feel they have a right to a relationship with them that is entirely separate from the parents.

    Our situation came to a head when my MIL caused an accident that could have killed our newborn. All we wanted to do was talk about it and the general concerns we were having. DH was going to talk to her alone so she wouldn't feel ganged up on. She reached exactly the way you described. Difference was that that time the incident was so serious that we couldn't let it slide without a conversation. Three years later she's never agreed to talk about it, and we've kept our word and never let her be alone with her grandkids.
    Sad really isn't it that she's let her emotion and pride get in the way of seeing her grandkids.

    Luckily my issues with MIL are not as serious and I wont have to stop her looking after them if she wants to. Luckily I don't rely on her for anything so we can let things settle before she'll ask to look after them again (If/when that happens!)


 

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