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  1. #41
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    I'm so surprised the majority of posters doesn't think it's an issue.

    I would be annoyed too if a carer was taking my child to a nail salon without checking in with me first.
    First of all, it doesn't seem like the most kids friendly places of all. I understand not checking in with you if going to the park, the zoo, the museum, etc - but a nail salon?
    And surely your DD would have told her grand Ma that she had never been, so the excuse about not knowing it was a first time I can't buy it.

    Good luck OP it sounds like you need to be more assertive with your MiL and I know it's not easy.

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  3. #42
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    Default MIL issues - Can anyone help?

    Quote Originally Posted by ExcuseMyFrench View Post
    First of all, it doesn't seem like the most kids friendly places of all. I understand not checking in with you if going to the park, the zoo, the museum, etc - but a nail salon?
    And surely your DD would have told her grand Ma that she had never been, so the excuse about not knowing it was a first time I can't buy it.

    .
    1) a nail salon is obviously not that inappropriate for a child since the OP is wanting to take her daughter there her self (...my 4 year old son would probably be stoked with a trip to a nail salon!)
    2) who cares if the grandma knew if if was the child's first time getting her nails done or not. It's nails. Most people would say big whoop. Unless the grandma knew it was important to the mum to have the first nail experience with her daughter (yes I do believe it's the OPs responsibility to specifically flag such occasions) she has a free pass on this IMO.
    Last edited by VicPark; 19-01-2016 at 23:22.

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  5. #43
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    Default MIL issues - Can anyone help?

    I think the issue for me would be what were my MIL's intentions. Was she intending to be a kind grandma who just wants to have a lovely day with her granddaughter and do something nice together. Or is she motivated by less altruistic reasons.

    Friends had a grandmother who always took the grandkids and from the outside it seemed like a perfect arrangement. But speaking to my friend she felt her MIL held her hostage to this arrangement. Constantly did things with the kids she knew the parents wouldn't like and never asked first. But if they stopped the kids seeing her she'd cry and play the victim. The final straw was when she did something that put one of their kids in danger. They haven't seen her since (over a year).

    It's really hard to understand family relationships from the outside. We have no family around to spoil our grandkids so I read your OP and think how lucky you are. But I also know it's not that simple.

    Good luck x

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  7. #44
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    I think people are focusing on the individual incident, instead of looking at the whole picture.
    A grandma who doesn't respect boundaries (no dairy and no suncream), and doesn't like ever telling the mother of the child where they're going (I understand she might not always know, but I bet she often does...my larents are forever asking me if they can have my kids to go to x).
    OP, I would definitely be addressing the issue, even if it upsets your MIL. She needs to respect that this is your child. No, you can't be there for every first...but it's okay to have specific things that you want to be there for, and you should be able to ask where your child is going to for the day without having your MIL be annoyed by the question. She sounds like she genuinely loves her grandchild, but I don't think you sound like a bad DIL at all.
    There are certainly things I have said no to in the past, because I wanted to be the one to take my.kids for the first time, and there's been times where I've been okay with grandparents getting to take the chikd to their 'first,' and there's been times where I've invited grandparents along, knowing it's a first they'd like to share with us. Perhaps you could tell your MIL you'd like to take that approach with firsts? If she gets upset by the conversation, then I imagine it's more a sign of her not respecting boundaries, than it is of you being 'unfair.'

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  9. #45
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    At the end of the day it comes down to what you are comfortable with or not. If there are certain things that you know that you would like to do with DD you should probably make that clearer to your MIL. Unfortunately if you don't, you will likely find yourself in this situation many times over.

    It does sound like she doesn't respect your boundaries on many things, wether or not she thinks she is right it is your child and if you are not comfortable she needs to respect you and your wishes, perhaps it's something DH could help you communicate if you feel like you are getting nowhere or being unheard/brushed off.

    Ps I would be checking what nail salon they went to, some can be really nasty!!! (Hygiene wise)

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  11. #46
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    Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone looking after my child if they wouldn't disclose where they were going, what they were doing, who they were seeing, and if they didn't follow rules on safety and necessary dietary restrictions. Even if it was my own mum. So I can understand why you're upset OP.

    My mum looks after DS once a week and she always tells me what her plans are for the day, and calls me if the plans change. I know that she gives DS sugary treats, and buys him little presents, but that doesn't bother me, she's allowed to spoil him! The important part is that she respects our parenting and respects us.

    I hope your MIL pulls her head in and starts respecting your bondaries. Maybe have a look for some online courses in assertiveness to help you with being able to speak up? Good luck!

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  13. #47
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    I unserstand completely where you are coming from, OP. My DDs are also looked after by their nanna on occassion, & she knows the 'regular' places (playground, her house,SILs house, shops) are fine, but if she ever wants to do something different - such as one time she took DD to get her hair styled - she always checks first. Its just a respect thing. She also casually lets me know where she will be - 'I was thinking I would take DDs to SIL's house for a play,then to the playground' & checls about what she is thinking od giving them for lunch, ifshe wants to give them a treat. Its reasonable to expect that you should know generally what your child will be doing & where they will be. My girls are ALWAYS returned late - usually an hour or so, but Im ok with it because MIL is generally always late anyway,so Im used to it. Also, because I generally know where they are,Im never too worried. Also, we love in a fire danger zone, so I really like to know where everyone will bw on severe,extreme or catastrophic days - its a safety issue, & helps prevent panic in case of a fire. My kids also eat way too much junk food, but again, Im ok with it because I feel respected by MIL.

    OP,if you feel your MIL doesnt reapect you as a parent when she has your DD, I would perhaps chat to her - 'I'd just like to know where she is'. Regardless of what your MIL wants, you are the parent & its fair to expect to have your parenting choices respected to some extent when MIL is babysitting.

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  15. #48
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    I always thought it was basic courtesy that if someone was baby sitting your child, they would tell you if they were going to take them out and where. Even family. I would want to know where my kid is, not find out later. And heaven forbid if something was to happen.

    OP, is there a not so good history with your MIL regarding other issues?

  16. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by hopeful1986 View Post
    I always thought it was basic courtesy that if someone was baby sitting your child, they would tell you if they were going to take them out and where. Even family. I would want to know where my kid is, not find out later. And heaven forbid if something was to happen.

    OP, is there a not so good history with your MIL regarding other issues?
    Thats how I feel - I just want to know roughly where she'll be when she's being looked after. It doesn't feel right to me to not know where my daughter is.

    As for history - we used to get along great, and for the most part we still do but since DH and I had children a few issues popped up here and there and he would always address it with her. DH has had a few other issues separate to me/the kids that he's raised with her and she always makes it into a massive drama. Tears/walking out/not answering the phone/be standoffish for weeks after.

    After yesterday she's gone down the same line again. She told DH she can't believe the rules she has to live by and she wont take them swimming in case they get burnt....? (She loves the beach and swimming but because he chatted to her about sunscreen she's taken offence)

    She's ignored my message I sent her yesterday trying to smooth it out so what more can I do? I'll just have to let her have her tanty and see if we can move on when she eventually starts talking to us again *sigh*

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    Yay for your DH actually saying something though

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