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  1. #11
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    Hi there, if there are any activities that are off limits, ie no salon visits, it is only fair you disclose those specific things and invite her to respect your wishes, i am sure she thought she was doing something really nice to help you and that it was a nice treat yr DD would enjoy, especially since she had no idea that activity was off limits. If she had gone against your disclosed wishes, then you would have grounds to be frustrated.

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  3. #12
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    I wonder if she gets a bit defensive because she's worried you'll put the kibosh on her plans? Could that be a factor?
    It's hard with grandparents, I think with the vast majority of things you need to let go and just allow them to do it their way. Having such a lovely relationship with a grandparent is a precious, precious thing. She won't be around forever and once she's gone your daughter will have wonderful memories of her taking her on busses and to the salon. You get most of the firsts so I think it's fair to let MIL have some too.
    That said some things (like suncream!) I would be pretty annoyed about. But you can just put sunscreen on her before MIL picks her up

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  5. #13
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    I agree as an isolated incident, you are overeacting. However, I can see you are trying to explain the general dynamic and you are right, it is hard to give depth to these things when you type them out. The no sunscreen thing would be a big deal for me - not if it was 30 minutes in winter (we need some VitD), but in full sun yes.

    It sounds like you may need to pick your battles with her though. So something like this, where your child is in no danger, just leave it. Something like the sunscreen or dairy, which directly impacts on their wellbeing, fight those battles. If you flare up over a bit of nail polish, it's too easy for her to call you controlling/over-the-top/etc and say you are never happy with anything she does, even when you try to tackle a serious issue.

    All that said though, I took on the rule of "your family, your problem" years ago and it has been fantastic. If your DH saw it was a problem, spoke to her about it and now she is upset - well it's his problem to deal with still, not your job to clean up the mess he left.

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  7. #14
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    By 5 how is mil ment to know you haven't done that yet? If things are off limit you need to tell her that or ask what their plans are.

    The lego set does it matter? Buy another one, can't have to much Lego

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    I can understand where you're coming from, I had a similar thing with my Mum. She would always want to have DD on her day off, I didn't ask her to babysit she always offered (demanded?). Then she would take DD to (in my opinion ) ridiculous non child friendly places.

    It's not the same situation as yours but it annoyed me as when I would ask oh what are your plans for today she'd be really vague and kind of annoyed then when they'd get home I'd find out.

    Eventually I said look I appreciate you looking after DD on your days off but I don't need you to babysit, I'm happy to have DD with me, I have every right to ask what are you doing today with my child and decide if I'm comfortable with that, if that doesn't suit you feel free to enjoy your days off doing things you enjoy and don't worry about babysitting DD. As she really wanted to spend time with DD she chose to just be straight with me about what they were doing and once or twice I've said oh that doesn't really sound like something DD would enjoy/ I'm not comfortable with you taking her there etc but it's never about me forcing her to change her plans, I just say she should go on with her plans and DD will stay with me.

    I've just had to become more direct, which I found really hard and it sounds like you might be the same, but in the end it was the only way as otherwise it was getting to me. Also at the time I posted on BH and got told I was being unreasonable. The thing is yes it might be unreasonable but it's how you feel. A bunch of people on a forum telling you you're being unreasonable isn't going to make you stop feeling what you're feeling. If you think you can overcome it and let it go then try that but if like me there are deeper issues annoying you about the situation it's best to be direct and sort it out or it's going to keep upsetting you.

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    Hi OP. It sounds like grandma is being sweet offering to spend quality time with your daughter. You could make a list of special thing you would like to do with your daughter first to give to MIL, otherwise it's a bit of a guessing game for her to plan outings.

    It's tricky when grandparents have different views on parenting than you. I have had endless arguments with my mum about sleeping my bub on her back. She insists I need to sleep her on her tummy. I just repeat that I am following SIDS guidelines and offer reading material.

    Maybe with the sunscreen issue you can put it on your daughter before she leaves home. If you are out putting sunscreen on you can remind dd to slip, slop, slap, wrap and seek like what she learns at school. It may seem a little passive aggressive, but I'd do it.

    I wonder if she is using the 'gift' as a means of behavior management? E.g. "If you are good all day I will buy you Lego". I think you are well within your rights to ask her to save gifts for birthdays and Christmas (personally I'm of the same opinion) Although I know other people are fine with random gifts anytime.

    In the big scheme of things a beautiful bond between child and grandma is a wonderful thing to be encouraged and sure your daughter will cherish the lovely memories.

    Good luck xx

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    Yeah I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. As the mum of a 'last' child and being very sentimental as a person, I do get why you are hurt. But as others have said, she can't know every first. It sounds like she loves your daughter a great deal and puts effort into activities and spending time with her. Both my MIL and my mother are too self absorbed to worry about my kids let alone baby sit them so I'm kind of jealous

    Agree with Stretched, pick your battles about the sunscreen etc (that would have riled me up WAY more than having her nails done). I also wonder if FL is right, that she gets defensive bc she thinks you don't trust her or don't want her to enjoy their time together. Putting myself in her place as the grandma, I might also feel put on the spot as I may have nothing planned.
    Last edited by delirium; 19-01-2016 at 16:26.

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    I don't think your being unreasonable- well maybe you should ease up a little grandparents are difficult and complicated, so you need to choose your battles, then get DH to tell them.
    I do not think its unreasonable to know where your child is being taken though, I don't see how anyone would think this is ok, of course unplanned things can happen along the way, but a rough idea of what the plan for the day is, is expected when someone takes my kids.

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    @Redcorset your updated post rings alarm bells to me. Bringing her back late, questioning why you need to know where they're going, undermining you re basic safety and food intolerances etc all sounds like she is stomping on boundaries IMO. They're your children you know best not her and what you say goes especially re diet and sunscreen! Sounds like she doesn't respect you very much if she just steamrolls and does as she pleases. If she respected you she might quietly disagree but recognize your role as the parent and butt out and follow your wishes (which don't seem unreasonable to me anyway).
    I'd get DH to tackle it even though you said it didn't go well perhaps he can have another go. She needs to know you're both on the same page as to what's appropriate. If she doesn't pull her head in then I wouldn't let her watch DD for a while. Sorry I'm quite harsh I just don't get why grandparents feel they can blatantly disregard parents wishes or interfere and it's just glossed over as 'aw shucks grandparents will be grandparents chuckle chuckle' and they get a free pass to do whatever they want.
    Another thing to ask yourself is would it bother you as much if it were your mum instead of mil? That's a good gauge as to whether you're nit-picking. But in short I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in your feelings and expectations.

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  17. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mama Mirabelle View Post
    I can understand where you're coming from, I had a similar thing with my Mum. She would always want to have DD on her day off, I didn't ask her to babysit she always offered (demanded?). Then she would take DD to (in my opinion ) ridiculous non child friendly places.

    It's not the same situation as yours but it annoyed me as when I would ask oh what are your plans for today she'd be really vague and kind of annoyed then when they'd get home I'd find out.

    Eventually I said look I appreciate you looking after DD on your days off but I don't need you to babysit, I'm happy to have DD with me, I have every right to ask what are you doing today with my child and decide if I'm comfortable with that, if that doesn't suit you feel free to enjoy your days off doing things you enjoy and don't worry about babysitting DD. As she really wanted to spend time with DD she chose to just be straight with me about what they were doing and once or twice I've said oh that doesn't really sound like something DD would enjoy/ I'm not comfortable with you taking her there etc but it's never about me forcing her to change her plans, I just say she should go on with her plans and DD will stay with me.

    I've just had to become more direct, which I found really hard and it sounds like you might be the same, but in the end it was the only way as otherwise it was getting to me. Also at the time I posted on BH and got told I was being unreasonable. The thing is yes it might be unreasonable but it's how you feel. A bunch of people on a forum telling you you're being unreasonable isn't going to make you stop feeling what you're feeling. If you think you can overcome it and let it go then try that but if like me there are deeper issues annoying you about the situation it's best to be direct and sort it out or it's going to keep upsetting you.
    Thank you so much Mara Mirabelle! I feel like you get my situation completely. Yes I get I'm hormonal and could definitely have not raised this issue but its just the combination of my MIL doing these things repeatedly that has made me speak up this time.
    I would normally smile and nod at all the things she's done over the years - she insists on babysitting - i never ask. For all my work shifts I pay for childcare, I never ask grandparents to do it for me. I know she would like time with her so I'm happy for her to mind her for a while but its not like she's purely doing it as a favour to me. But she continually disrespects the boundaries and has a habit of taking her to boring places like her work or the nursing home to visit Great Grandad.
    I appreciate your advice - I do need to be more direct. I've tried to let things slide but its clearly getting to me. And she NEVER lets things slide with DH or I. She is always telling us when she thinks we've done the wrong thing and if DH speaks up for himself its quite common for her to stop talking to him for a few weeks and becomes very hostile.

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