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  1. #1
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    Default MIL issues - Can anyone help?

    MIL did something that upset me yesterday and I'm not sure how to handle it. She kindly offered to mind DD for me while I had a nap with DS before my nightshift. I never asked where she was going or what she was doing with DD as previously I found she gets defensive if I ask. So I pack her a little bag and off she goes and comes home a few hours later. I asked what she did and they tell me they've been to a beauty salon to have their nails painted. DD has only just turned 5 and this is something I have been looking forward to doing and thinking about doing soon with DD - taking her to a real salon for the first time. She loves having her nails painted and we do it a fair bit at home. So having MIL take her without asking me first has really upset me. I never told MIL I had been thinking of doing it but I just would have thought something like that she could have checked with me first? Am I being unreasonable?

    I think the reason it upsets me more is because she has done things like this before over the years - like taking her on her first bus trip when she was 2 (and not telling me until after they had been). I know its great she takes her out and does fun stuff but she almost gloating when she brings her back and tells me what they did together - and never asks me or DH first. She ALWAYS buys her a present while they are out (she looks after her maybe once a month) and sometimes its stuff I had on her birthday list - like last year her first princess Lego set. I'm getting more and more annoyed with it all and things have been strained with us to say the least so I'm not sure how to handle this?

    Sorry for long post - any advice anyone?

  2. #2
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    Just talk to her. Obviously she didn't know you wanted to be the first one to take your DD to the beauty salon. Too bad if she gets defensive when you ask where she is taking your daughter. You have the right to know. If she does stuff that bothers you, don't get her to babysit your daughter. She won't know how you feel unless you let her know.

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  4. #3
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    I think you need to sit back and high five your mil for letting you have an afternoon rest and for showing your child a good time.

    First haircuts or ear piercings I could understand being upset about. Not bus rides and salon visits. The line is too far south on those ones - a carer can't be expected to guess that 'first' experiences for those things are super important for the parents.

    Are you ok? Worried about how much time you are spending with your children? (As a working parenting I would totally get that!). I'm not trying to be narky or anything (you seem like a great hard working, loving mum) however as an outsider looking in, to me this post suggests some type of unhappiness on your part as opposed to your mil being a cow.

    Best of luck

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  6. #4
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    I think ... in the kindest possible way. .that yes you are being unreasonable. If she was taking your DD unsafe places or doing irreversible things like haircuts or piercings... then yeah. I'd be upset.
    Alternatively talk to her or have your DH talk to her about just running by you where they are going etc.

    I think it's awesome your MIL is doing stuff like that with her. Grandparent relationships that are positive and fun for the children are so great.

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  8. #5
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    I do think you need to say something or this will escalate as it will just build up for you.
    The fact that she gets defensive when you ask about where they are going would pi$$ me right off. Your child you have 100% right to know where she will be. Not a minute by minute itinerary but rough plans for sure.
    MIL may just be trying to be nice (but I think she's overstepping a bit). If she respects you and you handle this tactfully then I'm sure you can get things back to where you're feeling comfortable.
    BUT she may also be trying to be a 'third parent' by doing things/buying things that she knows (or could reasonably expect to know) you want to do/buy. In which case you've got a big problem on your hands. How is she generally with boundaries? If she doesn't respect them then that's where to start.
    Perhaps you could say MIL I really appreciate you like doing nice things with/for DD. Sometimes there are things which have special meaning to me and I'd like time to enjoy those things with DD. It would be great if you can give me a rough idea of plans when you have an outing/ideas you have for gifts to make sure we're not doubling up on these things and they can be special for dd'
    You don't want this to fester, all the best.

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  10. #6
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    Yes you are being unreasonable. Your MIL is not physic.. i would myself have presumed that a 5 year old has been on a bus before etc.. never would it occur to me that she hasn't. Honestly i'd LOVE it if my MIL or even my own mother bothered doing these kinds of things... for me, they rarely ever babysit for 1-2 hours let alone take the kids out.

    You seriously cannot expect her to do nothing literally with your dd.. what about going to the movies or going out for a milkshake or a theme park? You have to draw the line somewhere.

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    I don't think she's doing anything wrong, apart from being a fun grandma - sorry OP!

    I do however think it's fair that you get an answer if you inquire about their plans for the day without the MIL getting huffy about it.

    It might be a matter of changing the way you ask her. Perhaps a 'what awesome stuff are you two getting up to today?' rather than 'where are you taking her?'. Apologies if that's the approach you're already taking.

    I think when you allow others to take your child on outings, it's inevitable that you might miss out on some fun stuff, even 'firsts' like you have already. I can understand a little pang of sadness that you couldn't do it first, but having a grandparent that will take your child for a few hours and show them a good time is invaluable. I'd be very reluctant to risk losing that.

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  14. #8
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    I think you can't help how you feel but it is quite unreasonable hun. I have unreasonable emotions all the time, but it's a good idea to check yourself and see if you are being unreasonable or not before you act on it. I think you need to let this go

    You MIL sounds awesome. If there is anything you are deadset on doing with your DD first, perhaps make plans, let it be known and do it.

    Good luck

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    Thanks everyone. I am def having an emotional PMS couple of days. To explain a bit more history - I used to ask in a easy going type way of "what are you guys planning" but her response was always "why?" with a frown. Sometimes I just wanted to know how to dress her - ie digging in the dirt clothes or a dress she can wear out to where ever but she never really gave me an answer and made me feel like I was being over protective.Someone asked if she respects boundaries - not really. She always brings them home late - usually by half and hour. I will let her have as long as she wants with them (I never ask her to babysit she just asks to have them on her day off occasionally which I am grateful for) So I only ever asked them to be back by nap time or dinner time. And without fail she is always late to the point we now say half an hour earlier than the actual time we want them back. DD came home yesterday 20 mins before dinner eating a packet of biscuits. She takes them to the park on a sunny day and wont put sunscreen on them (doesn't believe in it). One time I was putting it on her at the park and MIL came and took DD's hand and said "don't worry about that DD, you don't need it". And she knows my kids are dairy intolerant but gives it to them anyway (to be fair, she has bought dairy free treats to have at her house for them which is great. but other times she just thinks a little bit wont hurt...And it does) @gingermillie you hit the nail on the head - She is always trying to be a third parent and thats why this little thing upset me. Its a trend of things that happen with her that is hard to explain on a forum in a short space.So DH offered to speak with her, which he did and it didn't go well. I'll have to try and smooth it over now And yes @VicPark - I have plenty of mummy guilt about working and not getting enough quality/fun time with DDAnyway - thanks everyone
    Last edited by Redcorset; 19-01-2016 at 14:52.

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  18. #10
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    Default MIL issues - Can anyone help?

    I'm sorry, but yes you are being unreasonable.

    My daughter is looked after by her Grandma's while I work, I've never asked what they plan to do or where they plan to taker her, I obviously trust them or I wouldn't leave her with them.

    They've done heaps with her over the years, bus trips, train trips, movies, plays, art gallery, getting her hair done while Grandma did (just a little up do, not a cut), taken to her all her dancing lessons.

    I'm grateful she has such involved Grandmas who love taking her places, I don't personally feel the need to do every 'first' with her.

    I think you need to relax and celebrate her firsts with her Grandma.

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