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  1. #1
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    Default Social anxiety

    Just wondering if anyone had any tips or suggestions.

    I have what I guess would be social anxiety.

    I'm fine in large group situations and meeting new people etc, but get quite mainly anxious about fears of being excluded from things.

    It seems to be when things pop up on Facebook or friends talking about something they did with other mutual friends and those thoughts of "why wasn't I invited" pop up in my mind and immediately assume that I've been deliberately excluded from things etc.

    I also stress/worry far too much and for far too long about things I've said to people (especially slip of the tongue!) when they've forgotten about it within minutes of the conversation. I get anxious about the prospect of seeing them again.

    It's starting to get to the point where I don't want to initiate things with people (like ask someone for coffee or to go to a movie etc) in fear of being rejected. Which of course I then think - well if I'm not asking people to things, then why would I expect to be asked to things as well.

    I'm waiting on an appt with a psychologist, but was wondering if anyone else had dealt with the same and what tips or strategies they have to offer.

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    Hi @alliecat89 I don't have the same thing, but I understand about anxiety. Mine comes more from having to go out in public on my own or to places I haven't been before, but I understand how it feels to have those seemingly irrational thoughts

    My SIL suffers from the same anxiety you do though. I've talked about it quite a lot with her, but I still don't really have advice to offer you! I know there's no magic words I can say and things like "don't worry, if they don't want to hang out with you they're not worth knowing!" are really not helpful in this type of situation. Good on you for going to a psychologist though, hopefully they'll have some good strategies for you!

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    Quote Originally Posted by HillDweller View Post
    My SIL suffers from the same anxiety you do though. I've talked about it quite a lot with her, but I still don't really have advice to offer you! I know there's no magic words I can say and things like "don't worry, if they don't want to hang out with you they're not worth knowing!" are really not helpful in this type of situation. Good on you for going to a psychologist though, hopefully they'll have some good strategies for you!
    Thanks for your reply!

    It's such a tricky one - I try to stay positive with thoughts like "you don't have to invite everyone to everything, I don't invite everyone to everything", "it's nothing to do with you, people have their own busy life" etc. But then I find it quite tricky to find the balance between knowing that people are just genuinely busy and they're not deliberately/maliciously excluding you as opposed to they're trying to subtly drop you/end the friendship by "phasing you out" as such.

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    Quote Originally Posted by alliecat89 View Post
    Thanks for your reply!

    It's such a tricky one - I try to stay positive with thoughts like "you don't have to invite everyone to everything, I don't invite everyone to everything", "it's nothing to do with you, people have their own busy life" etc. But then I find it quite tricky to find the balance between knowing that people are just genuinely busy and they're not deliberately/maliciously excluding you as opposed to they're trying to subtly drop you/end the friendship by "phasing you out" as such.

    As someone who is busy, sometimes can't cope being with people and has also 'phased people out' I can tell you the way people would always be able to tell which one I'm doing.

    If I'm just busy or unable to do company right now, I'll refuse their invitation, but follow that up with a suggestion of another day or time or show genuine remorse that I can't make it.

    If I'm trying to back away from the friendship I'll never suggest an alternative arrangement.

    I know not everyone does things the same way but I've found these type of subtle signals are pretty common. So, if you're really worried about whether they are just busy, if you can risk the rejection, maybe throw out some invitations of your own and see how people respond

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    I could have written your post 😥
    Just today some of my mother's group posted comments that excluded myself and DS. I know some of them catch up together regularly and even though I'm not working at the moment I haven't been included. I've been wondering whether to organise a beach or park day, but I'm worried everyone will just say no 😩
    Sorry, enough poor me.
    I think talking to someone is probably a good start. You're definitely not alone in the way you feel.

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    I completely understand where you are coming from.
    Just know you are not alone. I have no helpful advice xxxxx

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    No advice, but I'm exactly the same. You're not the only one

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    Default Social anxiety

    I used to have same similar thoughts and I think it was a hangover from all the *****iness of secondary school! The main thing that helped me was to look at situation through the eyes of others.
    E.g.
    - Would you purposely exclude a friend from a gathering? If not then why think someone else would.
    - Would you dwell on a friend slipping up in conversation? If not then why would someone else.

    Also remember that everyone gets rejected at some point, there's no shame in it. It happens to all of us.

    I understand that it's probably easier said than done if you have anxiety, but sorry that the only tip I've got. Wish I could help more.

    I hope it goes well with counsellor xxx

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    Wow.. I feel I could have written your post also. I'm a very sociable and friendly person but am also very honest and opinionated so not everyone's cup of tea. As I know this about myself I get very paranoid about being excluded.

    I find it's getting easier with age tho and yoga REALLY helped me to manage things..

    Have you tried any types of yoga, meditation or mindfulness? It helps to quieten the mind.

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    Quote Originally Posted by babyno1onboard View Post
    I used to have same similar thoughts and I think it was a hangover from all the *****iness of secondary school! The main thing that helped me was to look at situation through the eyes of others.
    E.g.
    - Would you purposely exclude a friend from a gathering? If not then why think someone else would.
    - Would you dwell on a friend slipping up in conversation? If not then why would someone else.

    Also remember that everyone gets rejected at some point, there's no shame in it. It happens to all of us.

    I understand that it's probably easier said than done if you have anxiety, but sorry that the only tip I've got. Wish I could help more.

    I hope it goes well with counsellor xxx
    This... It's amazing how the scars of school can last 20 years..


 

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