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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheeeeesecake View Post
    You've said you want to continue the friendship, but TBH you really dont speak very fondly of her in your post. Why do you want to continue it? You also said she said her son was a little sh!t &tols him to shut up &slapped him across the face... is that someone you really want to be friends with, son or no son?
    Some people can be great friends, but not great parents, I dont judge her as a friend based on how she chooses to parent. I'm not speaking fondly of her in my post because her behaviour towards her son isnt doing him any favours in the long run. A lot of her negative behaviour towards him is snap reaction or ignoring rather than the plan that they had set out with their assesers, child psych GP, teachers etc.

    I see where your coming from, like I said we parent and discipline very differently, I dont agree with how she raises her son in some ways but thats her business and thats why I dont give my opinion towards her on what she does.
    I felt that yesterday with her slapping her son, it seemed almost like a knee jerk reaction out of frustration and embarrassment than anything (still not condoning slapping a child though).

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by LlamaMa View Post
    Our DS1 is ODD. ODD is not a 'learned' behaviour. It is also not a reflection of bad parenting. If she has a definitive diagnosis, she will have had to do a lot of psychiatrist appointments, psychological evaluations and usually had a number of other avenues to try out in terms of behaviour. It is a sinilar process of diagnosis to ADHD. I would be so upset if a friend of mine wasn't open and honest with me if his behaviour/my lack of discipline had a negative effect on our relationship. Being a parent to a child with ODD is a damn tough gig, especially when you are the main caregiver. You are constantly in the firing line, there is no break from it. It is heartbreaking and frustrating, and there is very little reward.

    Perhaps for her, seeing you, and valuing your friendship is the silver lining in a tough life for her. Be honest with her. If I was her, I would be so happy you still want to be my friend, and understand your son needs to not be around mine. I know I have had many a moment where I have had DS1 behave appallingly in public, or towards friends children. It is horrible, and the lack of remorse from him makes it harder to deal with. It's also hard, sometimes, to follow through with positive reinforcement when you're seeing red from the disgusting behaviour. But, as a parent who wants the best for her child, I suck it up and find positives for him. Maybe she needs a break, so she can focus on what she has to do for him. Sometimes, just being reminded that there is good in your baby is all you need to hear to suck it up and do the right thing. She sounds like she is in a rut.

    I know my advice isn't particularly practical, but I am on the flip side of this situation, I thought it might help to have another opinion...
    Thankyou for your honesty and opening up LlamaMa, I truly appreciate it. Her DS was diagnosed about 2 years ago and had gone to the RCH for testing, I dont know the ins and outs of it, as she doesnt go into it with anyone but her and the bio father. He was not like this 2 years ago when he was first diagnosed, this have escalated dramatically over the years. He hasnt always acted out from ODD, it was like he hit 5-6 and boom it all started. He was a really cheery toddler and kindergartener, once he went to school it all changed and by the end of prep thats when he was diagnosed, and now going into year 2 he finally has been granted funding for an aide, which I feel will really help him at school.

    It's not that I dont want to be honest with her, I do, but I dont want to create more stress for her on her end, and making her feel as though all we see is his condition, which isnt true. I know she has a lot to deal with and I dont want to come off as a friend who is keeping her child away as if I'm being precious, it's sadly become a safety issue for us (her child is my height,as he is tall for his age and im quite petite) as I cant count on my DH or her BF to be there if her child does have an episode of violent behaviour towards us again, I know she wont or cant do anything to try and defuse the situation apart from calling them or police.

    I know her child is a bright young man, who does have good in him and does show it a lot, and it saddens me that I feel this way as I've known him since he was born.

    She does get a lot of respite for her DS, his father has him every fortnight for 4 nights, and her mother has him for half of the school holidays (term ones), and he had just come back from a week at her mums house a week before that he went away with his bio dads family for a week.

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  4. #13
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    What a tough situation. She sounds completely in over her head. Is she getting proper advice? I've heard some psychologists etc do recommend ignoring the behaviour (not necessarily good ones mind you).

    My primary issue with this is that it's teaching your son that if another kid is mean to him there won't be any consequences for the child. That's not good. Kids remember that. Your son could end up thinking it's ok for people to bully and harass him. Could you maybe frame your response to her like that? That you understand that she's doing the best she can for her child but that it's sending conflicting messages to your son that concern you?

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  6. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-Degrassi View Post
    This really is a tough situation.

    You could handle this a couple of different ways, though I think that the honest approach is the best (but the hardest) option.

    You could say something along the lines of "I hope you don't mind be being honest hon, as we've been friends for such a long time, but after M's behaviour at the outing the other day, my DS is quite rattled. He is resistant about playing with M again. I think for the time being it would be best if DS doesn't tag along when we catch up. I wouldn't feel right forcing him into a situation he's uncomfortable with. I don't want the two of us to stop being friends, and I hope you can see my point of view".

    Then see what she says. You may risk losing the friendship, however you must do the right thing by your own child and put his comfort first.
    This! It's honest and might be the wake up call that she needs address the issues.

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  8. #15
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    Thankyou to everyone who read and replied (and didnt bite my head off haha). Sorry if my OP was all over the place or not making much sense, its hard to get out how I was feeling without unintentionally causing offence as I know this is a sensitive topic with parents of SN children. At first I didnt want to mention his ODD as I didnt want it to become the main focus of what had happened but I felt that if I didnt mention it that people might get the wrong idea and that hes just "a naughty kid", as it isnt your normal child situation.
    As I said in my OP I have never given my opinion just because I parent differently,thats her business but I just dont agree with how she deals with it, but it doesnt make her a bad friend, I do value her friendship.

    I think I will need to be honest with her and I hope she can be understanding of why I need to make a change in how we see one another, but I need to be so careful of how I bring it up and phrase it as if she doesnt like what she hears, she turns into a brick wall and doesnt allow you to explain your side of how you feel on a subject weather it may be trivial or a big topic. Thanks again, appreciate it

  9. #16
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    Just wanted to add something. For me, the first thing I would want to raise with my friend would be her hitting her child in the face. I would point blank tell her I do not want my child to be exposed to that sort of behavior between a parent and child. Not saying her situation is easy by any means however violence by someone in a position of power is not something I will let me child be exposed to.

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  11. #17
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    If your son's life is in danger or he is distressed about being around your friend's son, you just have to take action to remove him from the catch ups. If this means leaving socialising with her while your little man is at school. Regardless of how long you have been friends or what disorder her son may have, you have to do what's best for your child. Tell your friend that your son is afraid of being hurt by her son. Pure and simple.

    By the sounds of it, you would probably be better off with out that kind of influence around your son. I don't know much about ODD but have heard about it, and if my daughter yelled out" No I want two toys, not one", she would be getting nothing, disorder or not.

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  13. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marchbundle View Post
    I don't know much about ODD but have heard about it, and if my daughter yelled out" No I want two toys, not one", she would be getting nothing, disorder or not.
    As bad as it sounds, this was more than likely a desperate attempt at bribing her child to behave. I doubt she wanted to reward him with toys, but it might be a tactic that's helped curb his bad behaviour on previous occasions.

    I do have to feel for this woman in a way, she sounds completely out of her depth parenting this child (I can't condone her slapping his face though).

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  15. #19
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    I had never heard of ODD before today, so I did some research and found this link for anyone else who doesn't know what it is.....
    https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/...t-disorder-odd

    OP, I agree with others, be honest with her and just hope that she's happy to still keep the friendship with you. I also agree that offering to help her would benefit both her and her child. As it sounds like she needs encouragement to keep up with the behaviour management to reduce and hopefully eliminate the behaviours that physically harm others.

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  17. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-Degrassi View Post
    As bad as it sounds, this was more than likely a desperate attempt at bribing her child to behave. I doubt she wanted to reward him with toys, but it might be a tactic that's helped curb his bad behaviour on previous occasions.

    I do have to feel for this woman in a way, she sounds completely out of her depth parenting this child (I can't condone her slapping his face though).
    This. Seriously if it's worked before you would totally do it again and saying no toy at all mid "episode" is just adding fuel to the fire.

    OP, ring your friend, tell her you are here for her. Sympathise with her and offer a cup of tea when it gets too much. Tell her your son was freaked out by it and when he's ready you will organise another play together.

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