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  1. #1
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    Default Tough situation WWYD? *vent* Sorry for the long post, a bit of history is involved

    Deleted for privacy reasons, thank you to those who responded
    Last edited by ChatlotteA; 20-01-2016 at 14:22.

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    Wow. Tricky situation. I guess you could say something like "I would love to catch up with you. But DS won't be able to come." If she asks why, you could add that after last time, DS was really unhappy and needs a break from M. When DS is ready, you'll organise something else. Then just don't organise anything.

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    This really is a tough situation.

    You could handle this a couple of different ways, though I think that the honest approach is the best (but the hardest) option.

    You could say something along the lines of "I hope you don't mind be being honest hon, as we've been friends for such a long time, but after M's behaviour at the outing the other day, my DS is quite rattled. He is resistant about playing with M again. I think for the time being it would be best if DS doesn't tag along when we catch up. I wouldn't feel right forcing him into a situation he's uncomfortable with. I don't want the two of us to stop being friends, and I hope you can see my point of view".

    Then see what she says. You may risk losing the friendship, however you must do the right thing by your own child and put his comfort first.

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    ODD is not a llearned thing, it is a behavior disorder, its NOT just bad parenting however it is also not okay to just let the violent etc behaviour go, your friend should be working with therapists to develop strategies to deal with the boy properly before he grows up and gets arrested

    in regards to your situation I would just say I like your company but my child does not wish to attend events anymore as he and I are sick of him being hurt.

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    I agree with @Tinydancer I would just tell them truth and say your DS doesn't want to be around her DS at the moment. Her was extremely upset when he lashed out. Then proceed to say 'how about we catch up for dinner/lunch/coffee together instead?'

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    im not sure what you should do, but years ago we had a similar situation. my oldest son, and our very good friends' second son, would constantly bicker and annoy each other, so much that one day they actually had a fight. We just stopped seeing them for about 6 months. When we all got back to seeing each other, the boys were that little bit older, and a bit more able to play together, without any fighting. perhaps you could suggest something like a break in the friendship, so to give her boy time to learn how to behave better. marie.

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    Tricky situation.

    My advice would be to not sweat the little things (Rushing past, not saying please to thankyou - yes there was a little bit of McJudgeY Pants going on there).

    Regarding the big thing - ODD. Open your heart and your mind and ask your friend if she is OK or if she needs a hand. Whatever you do don't blame the kid. ODD is not something an 8 year old chooses to have. And it's not something the parents can necessarily solve overnight with a bit of advice from well meaning friends like yourself. Yes the unstable life and lack of boundaries probably aren't helping. If the kid is being a handful then it probably says more about his home life than him. Helping the mum may help the kid.

    If you don't want your child exposed to being hit at, spat at or sworn at (and I totally get that - I wouldn't allow my child to be continually exposed to that) then tell your friend that if those things occur you will be moving your child away to play somewhere else for a certain amount of time. Don't be too tight with what you set though (eg kid isn't saying please so you will remove your child) or you will just come off looking like a control freak.

    Best of luck.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-Degrassi View Post
    This really is a tough situation.

    You could handle this a couple of different ways, though I think that the honest approach is the best (but the hardest) option.

    You could say something along the lines of "I hope you don't mind be being honest hon, as we've been friends for such a long time, but after M's behaviour at the outing the other day, my DS is quite rattled. He is resistant about playing with M again. I think for the time being it would be best if DS doesn't tag along when we catch up. I wouldn't feel right forcing him into a situation he's uncomfortable with. I don't want the two of us to stop being friends, and I hope you can see my point of view".

    Then see what she says. You may risk losing the friendship, however you must do the right thing by your own child and put his comfort first.
    this is the perfect thing to say. It is gentle, to the point but does it in a way that says you still want to be friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nemmi1987 View Post
    ODD is not a learned thing, it is a behavior disorder, its NOT just bad parenting however it is also not okay to just let the violent etc behaviour go, your friend should be working with therapists to develop strategies to deal with the boy properly before he grows up and gets arrested

    in regards to your situation I would just say I like your company but my child does not wish to attend events anymore as he and I are sick of him being hurt.
    I also agree with all of this. In particular the ODD diagnosis. If a doctor has said it's learned odd I would assume the Dr means bad parenting and was trying to sugar coat it. If that's (the learned part) your own opinion of an actual diagnosis then I would suggest doing some research into it yourself. She's obviously a good friend of yours so you would want to help where you could I would imagine. And yes, you should most definitely stand up for your child. My nephew is like this and I had a similar discussion with my sil. She commented how her DS always asks to come for a sleep over at our place and I was honest and said we would love to except my dd1 struggles with lots of noise and aggressive behaviour and even at 10yo will take herself off somewhere quiet to "hide", particularly when nephew is around. Sil totally understood and said she would too if she could but she totally understands and that it's something that we should mention to DN next time he asks. Not to put us in the hot seat but for him to actually hear it from someone else because both my brother and sil have tried telling him his behaviour puts people off and he just doesn't believe them.

    And absolutely your friend should be at trying to follow the instruction of trained professionals.



    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Tricky situation.

    My advice would be to not sweat the little things (Rushing past, not saying please to thankyou - yes there was a little bit of McJudgeY Pants going on there).

    Regarding the big thing - ODD. Open your heart and your mind and ask your friend if she is OK or if she needs a hand. Whatever you do don't blame the kid. ODD is not something an 8 year old chooses to have. And it's not something the parents can necessarily solve overnight with a bit of advice from well meaning friends like yourself. Yes the unstable life and lack of boundaries probably aren't helping. If the kid is being a handful then it probably says more about his home life than him. Helping the mum may help the kid.

    If you don't want your child exposed to being hit at, spat at or sworn at (and I totally get that - I wouldn't allow my child to be continually exposed to that) then tell your friend that if those things occur you will be moving your child away to play somewhere else for a certain amount of time. Don't be too tight with what you set though (eg kid isn't saying please so you will remove your child) or you will just come off looking like a control freak.

    Best of luck.
    This too is great advice. Sometimes helping the kids starts by helping the parents. A kid that full on is exhausting. I'm exhausted by my nephew after 10 minutes. On the bright side of that though is my nephew is under treatment and is remarkably more settled than he ever has been. he still struggles to keep his behaviour to acceptable standards and falls off the wagon multiple times a day but there is a huge difference between now and 2 years ago.

    A support network is a must for the parents. Even if it's just to get a 5 minute mind and coffee break.

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    You've said you want to continue the friendship, but TBH you really dont speak very fondly of her in your post. Why do you want to continue it? You also said she said her son was a little sh!t &tols him to shut up &slapped him across the face... is that someone you really want to be friends with, son or no son?

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    Our DS1 is ODD. ODD is not a 'learned' behaviour. It is also not a reflection of bad parenting. If she has a definitive diagnosis, she will have had to do a lot of psychiatrist appointments, psychological evaluations and usually had a number of other avenues to try out in terms of behaviour. It is a sinilar process of diagnosis to ADHD. I would be so upset if a friend of mine wasn't open and honest with me if his behaviour/my lack of discipline had a negative effect on our relationship. Being a parent to a child with ODD is a damn tough gig, especially when you are the main caregiver. You are constantly in the firing line, there is no break from it. It is heartbreaking and frustrating, and there is very little reward.

    Perhaps for her, seeing you, and valuing your friendship is the silver lining in a tough life for her. Be honest with her. If I was her, I would be so happy you still want to be my friend, and understand your son needs to not be around mine. I know I have had many a moment where I have had DS1 behave appallingly in public, or towards friends children. It is horrible, and the lack of remorse from him makes it harder to deal with. It's also hard, sometimes, to follow through with positive reinforcement when you're seeing red from the disgusting behaviour. But, as a parent who wants the best for her child, I suck it up and find positives for him. Maybe she needs a break, so she can focus on what she has to do for him. Sometimes, just being reminded that there is good in your baby is all you need to hear to suck it up and do the right thing. She sounds like she is in a rut.

    I know my advice isn't particularly practical, but I am on the flip side of this situation, I thought it might help to have another opinion...

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