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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by alliecat89 View Post
    Just tell her the truth. It will hopefully help her become a better friend to other people in the future.

    As someone who was given the "if i ignore them then hopefully they'll just fall of the radar" treatment, and didn't quite get the message all that quickly - I would have had 100% preferred to be told "hey when you do/say xyz I actually find it quite rude/annoying/offensive and would like to have some time apart" as opposed to me initially wondering what was on going and then later on wondering what I did wrong.
    Thanks @alliecat89 I do feel kind of guilty when I think she might be totally confused and hurt, even though I can't for one minute believe she doesn't know her behaviour is terrible. I think, rather than her not knowing, she's been allowed to get away with acting the way she acts (with everyone) for so long that she doesn't think anyone will call her out on it.

    I think the only reason I'm resisting telling her the truth is out of concern for DH, I know that although he doesn't want to be friends with them, it would stress him out so much if he then had to have a confrontation with her DH. Arrrggg sigh.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by HillDweller View Post
    Thanks @alliecat89 I do feel kind of guilty when I think she might be totally confused and hurt, even though I can't for one minute believe she doesn't know her behaviour is terrible. I think, rather than her not knowing, she's been allowed to get away with acting the way she acts (with everyone) for so long that she doesn't think anyone will call her out on it.

    I think the only reason I'm resisting telling her the truth is out of concern for DH, I know that although he doesn't want to be friends with them, it would stress him out so much if he then had to have a confrontation with her DH. Arrrggg sigh.
    I would just tell her the truth. It's not fair to anyone (you guys, her, other mutual friends) to let her think her behaviour is fine.

    After you have that conversation - you don't need to see them again, you don't need to talk to them again. You can ignore any messages or phone calls from either of them etc. But be the bigger person and at least let her know why.

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  4. #13
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    Default How to deal with someone who wont just let go of the friendship?

    I wouldn't continue to do what you are doing. Dodging and ignoring is a recipe for disaster. It can leave people wondering what they did wrong, people jump to conclusions and get stressed etc etc.

    Ideally concerns over something said should be raised at the time so they can be nipped in the bud. Raising issues with friends is difficult - it's an artform to do it in a way that doesn't create drama and preserves the friendship. Once you get the hang of it though it is awesome - prevents more problems than it causes.

    As you haven't said anything for some time and have been dodging the 'friend' for some time now the situation going to be a little more awkward to manage. I would probably be a little more explicit in your next response - without going into too much detail or being a biatch. Eg "hey I am taking a break from socialising at the moment as I feel a little hurt over XYZ. Just need a break - will let you know if I am ready to get back into things. Best of luck with bub."

    What did she say that was so horrible? Did it have something to do with ttc?

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  6. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I wouldn't continue to do what you are doing. Dodging and ignoring is a recipe for disaster. It can leave people wondering what they did wrong, people jump to conclusions and get stressed etc etc.

    Ideally concerns over something said should be raised at the time so they can be nipped in the bud. Raising issues with friends is difficult - it's an artform to do it in a way that doesn't create drama and preserves the friendship. Once you get the hang of it though it is awesome - prevents more problems than it causes.

    As you haven't said anything for some time and have been dodging the 'friend' for some time now the situation going to be a little more awkward to manage. I would probably be a little more explicit in your next response - without going into too much detail or being a biatch. Eg "hey I am taking a break from socialising at the moment as I feel a little hurt over XYZ. Just need a break - will let you know if I am ready to get back into things. Best of luck with bub."

    What did she say that was so horrible? Did it have something to do with ttc?
    Thanks @VicPark. I should have said more at the time. In the latest episode, I did say something at the time, enough so that if it was someone saying to me I'd know if crossed a line, but maybe she needed me to be blunter.

    There's been a string of things. Starting with her hassling my DH to stop seeing me when we first met (to the point it took 9 months for DH and I to get together properly because she kept making him doubt our relationship - a time where I fell into a deep depression. She spoke to all the other girls within the group and tried to get them to ostracize me too, in another attempt to break us up. I had tried to let that stuff go though.

    Recently, at a gathering she was talking to me about her TTC struggles (they had only been TTC for 4 months with no issues, we've been TTC for 2 years with a string of issues, and I'm 10 years older than her, but I know even a short time can seem like a long time, so I was very sympathetic to her) infront of everyone she then said "I was so worried you were going to announce you were pregnant tonight" and I said "I'm not, but even if I was I certainly wouldn't have done that infront of everyone when I know what you're going through" and she said "Good. Because I would have just walked out". I thought that was pretty harsh since we've been TTC a fair while, she knows all about our struggles and she was clearly saying she wouldn't be happy for me. But, even then I decidedto ignore it, because she's TTC and I know the stress you can feel.

    We then had a conversation when a mutual friend announced her pregnancy (at which time this girl was devastated hearing the news in person) and she told me she'd prefer to get a text with news like that so she could process it first, not have to put on a smile infront of the person. I told her I felt exactly the same way and said I would make sure to give her that courtesy if I got pregnant before her. When she got pregnant she hounded me for weeks trying to get me to catch up with her. When she finally realised it wasn't going to happen she sent me a message saying she wanted to tell me in person but since she couldn't, she was letting me know she was pregnant. I told her congratulations and mentioned that she could have just sent me a message like we agreed. At which point she said "oh I know that's what you wanted, but I prefer to say things in person". I even let that go.

    But then she told a story on three occasions infront of a group of people about how she has a 'friend' who is desperately chasing after a guy who is "NOT AT ALL INTERESTED IN HER", laughing hysterically about how pathetic it was and each time said "It reminds me EXACTLY of the situation between you (and DH) when you met" The third time she told the story I called her out and said "are you saying he wasn't interested in me and I was some sort of desperate ***** chasing him around?" And she laughed and said "everyone knows that". I'm just sorry I was too much of a lady to punch her in the teeth to be honest.

  7. #15
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    Default How to deal with someone who wont just let go of the friendship?

    Double post!
    Last edited by HillDweller; 13-01-2016 at 23:39.

  8. #16
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    😱😱😱 after all that, next time she messages, I'd simply reply "We were hoping to avoid this confrontation, but as you won't take the hint, we need to let you know that we no longer enjoy socialising with you. You have made several hurtful and insensitive remarks over the past xx months, and we just don't want to be in the situation of having to hear your thoughtless remarks any longer. Please do not text us again. We are simply no longer interested in maintaining this friendship"

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  10. #17
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    Given the horrible things she's said, you've shown a lot of restraint by trying to preserve her feelings, rather than just telling her outright that she's not a person you'd want to be friends with!

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  12. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Californication View Post
    after all that, next time she messages, I'd simply reply "We were hoping to avoid this confrontation, but as you won't take the hint, we need to let you know that we no longer enjoy socialising with you. You have made several hurtful and insensitive remarks over the past xx months, and we just don't want to be in the situation of having to hear your thoughtless remarks any longer. Please do not text us again. We are simply no longer interested in maintaining this friendship"
    I would say this . This is how you feel so say it. She isn't getting the hint so you need to be direct.

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  14. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Californication View Post
    ���������������� � after all that, next time she messages, I'd simply reply "We were hoping to avoid this confrontation, but as you won't take the hint, we need to let you know that we no longer enjoy socialising with you. You have made several hurtful and insensitive remarks over the past xx months, and we just don't want to be in the situation of having to hear your thoughtless remarks any longer. Please do not text us again. We are simply no longer interested in maintaining this friendship"
    Woah! Hit the nail on the head! Seriously, type this and hit send. I am astounded after even a few of these things the lack of a respect this woman has! You shouldn't bother showing her any respect back. She will talk though. Everyone will hear this 'story' about how you're jealous and threatened, but whatever. Personally if you're not willing to send this exact text, just block her number and on Facebook.

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  16. #20
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    Better yet, get hubby to message. The she can't show everyone it came from you because it came from him.


 

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