Help with my step daughter! Am I being selfish? | Page 2 | Bub Hub
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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by GucciDahling View Post
    This isn't about how any of us would feel. It's not our situation. But also, we're adults. This is a 4 year old child who has experienced significant upheaval in their life.
    Also since this child lives with their grandparents 5 days a week, it's a less than usual situation. No wonder this poor kid is confused and behaving in a less than ideal way.
    I don't know, I also think respect has to be earned, and it takes time. Not just expected. IMO
    A PP said the OP was being selfish, I was trying to put the PP in the OPs shoes.

    I agree that the child is likely quite confused and needs support. My point is that the OP shouldn't be feel bad about bringing up her concerns with everything to her DH and she's not being selfish. Maybe the relationship between the OP and her DSS isn't mature/developed enough yet for the two of them to be alone all weekend - that's not fair to the DSS or the OP.

    My judgement may be clouded here as when my younger DSS was 4 the thought of looking after him all weekend would have sent me into an almost panic attack. We didn't know each well enough, I had never disciplined him, he wasn't well behaved and I simply wouldn't have known how to manage - it would have been horrible for both of us. I'm picturing this being how the OP feels now and I have sympathy. Fast forward a few years and now I'm more than happy to look after DSS.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by babyno1onboard View Post
    A PP said the OP was being selfish, I was trying to put the PP in the OPs shoes.

    I agree that the child is likely quite confused and needs support. My point is that the OP shouldn't be feel bad about bringing up her concerns with everything to her DH and she's not being selfish. Maybe the relationship between the OP and her DSS isn't mature/developed enough yet for the two of them to be alone all weekend - that's not fair to the DSS or the OP.

    My judgement may be clouded here as when my younger DSS was 4 the thought of looking after him all weekend would have sent me into an almost panic attack. We didn't know each well enough, I had never disciplined him, he wasn't well behaved and I simply wouldn't have known how to manage - it would have been horrible for both of us. I'm picturing this being how the OP feels now and I have sympathy. Fast forward a few years and now I'm more than happy to look after DSS.
    I get where you're coming from however there are plenty of parents that dread the thought of looking after their own kids all weekend by themselves too. It's not a feeling that is unique to step parents.

    While the dread is understandable (hell yes speaking from experience here!) kids if your own (or your spouse) aren't just something you flick off because you are uncomfortable. Yes I understand ... However if you sign up to a relationship with someone who has kids you sign up to those kids as well. I'm not saying parents can't have negative thoughts just that it's a little off to not welcome the kids into your home (their home) because of those feelings.

    By all means if schedules can be re-arranged so the bio parent can spend more time with their child then that's great. If not don't just send them back to where they came from.

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  4. #13
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    Step-parenting is so hard!
    I don't have a solution for you, but totally understand where you're coming from.
    Maybe have a really honest discussion with DP and let him know how you're feeling, hopefully he'll want to spend more of the weekend with his DD than his work weekends allow, so might be good to try to swap? One thing I found key in my own situation was that my hubby made it clear that DSS disrepecting me was never an option (they have a very close relationship and we had DSS full time with zero involvement from the ex - her choice) and backed me 100% in front of DSS (we discussed it privately if there was an issue).
    All the best! *hugs*

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  6. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I get where you're coming from however there are plenty of parents that dread the thought of looking after their own kids all weekend by themselves too. It's not a feeling that is unique to step parents.

    While the dread is understandable (hell yes speaking from experience here!) kids if your own (or your spouse) aren't just something you flick off because you are uncomfortable. Yes I understand ... However if you sign up to a relationship with someone who has kids you sign up to those kids as well. I'm not saying parents can't have negative thoughts just that it's a little off to not welcome the kids into your home (their home) because of those feelings.

    By all means if schedules can be re-arranged so the bio parent can spend more time with their child then that's great. If not don't just send them back to where they came from.
    Oh god I hope you didn't think I meant to refuse to look after the child if no other arrangements could be made or that the child shouldn't feel welcome in their home. I meant that the OP shouldn't feel bad for having these thoughts and bringing it up with her DH. I would hope her DH wouldn't think she is being selfish. The OP needs the bio parents to address her DSD's issues and provide the OP with some ways of dealing with it if she is going to look after her DSD on the weekends.

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  8. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by babyno1onboard View Post
    Oh god I hope you didn't think I meant to refuse to look after the child if no other arrangements could be made or that the child shouldn't feel welcome in their home. I meant that the OP shouldn't feel bad for having these thoughts and bringing it up with her DH. I would hope her DH wouldn't think she is being selfish. The OP needs the bio parents to address her DSD's issues and provide the OP with some ways of dealing with it if she is going to look after her DSD on the weekends.
    Thanks lovely, I would never shut her out of our home or make her feel unwelcome.
    Just to clarify she doesn't live with her grandparents, her mum works full time and they babysit/look after her. My DP is a great dad and never bails on plans/arrangements with DSD.
    We have only been together for one year so some of you are probably right, over time I will probably feel more comfortable with having her on my own.
    Thanks for all of your responses, step parenting is very hard, there's so many instances of uncertainty about rules/respect etc. Hats off to all of you who co-parent, it's nice to know I'm not alone xx

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