+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 15
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,883
    Thanks
    76
    Thanked
    634
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Help with my step daughter! Am I being selfish?

    Hi ladies, hoping somebody can help me out here.
    My partner has a 4yo daughter and my daughter is also 4, we live together and have my step daughter every second weekend. The girls used to get along great, now it's awful and they fight ALL the time his daughter is cared for by her grandparents 5 days a week and given everything she wants and she's not great socially as she doesn't get the chance to interact with other kids often.
    She doesn't do what I ask her to do, talks back, she told me I was fat and told me my car is disgusting and she constantly lies about my daughter hurting her (will say my DD hit her when I'm sitting right next to them).
    We have her every second weekend for 3 nights Fri-Mon.
    My issue is that my partner has started doing rotating shifts so 2 weekends every second month he will be working the weekends we have her. He works nights so leaves at 4pm, gets home at 7am, sleeps til 2-3pm then leaves for work again at 4pm.
    I'm feeling really guilty and awful but I don't want to look after his daughter on my own on the weekends he's working. I'm feeling quite anxious and stressed about it, about her behaviour and not listening to me and the constant fighting between the girls is just awful.
    On those weekends he'd literally see her for 3-6hours total so I feel like there's no point because he'll barely see her. I don't think her mum knows she'll be left with me either which stresses me out and will cause issues.
    My daughter is about to start school and SDD is really hard to get to bed (1.5hrs of tantrums) so I'm worried about that affecting my daughter too.
    Please help, am I being totally selfish or should I talk to him about this?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Woodford
    Posts
    749
    Thanks
    14
    Thanked
    240
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Have a chat with your partner about your concerns. Have him talk to his ex about changing the current routine to the weekends he is home. Hopefully his ex is reasonable and can see the benefit of their daughter going to your house the weekend that her father is home.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,883
    Thanks
    76
    Thanked
    634
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by nudge88 View Post
    Have a chat with your partner about your concerns. Have him talk to his ex about changing the current routine to the weekends he is home. Hopefully his ex is reasonable and can see the benefit of their daughter going to your house the weekend that her father is home.
    Thanks Nudge, they don't have a great relationship so I'm thinking it's going to end up an argument :-/

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    2,845
    Thanks
    1,822
    Thanked
    1,423
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    Hi,

    I'm with you- I do the major care of my stepkids while they are with us (even though H is home on the weekends. School hols it's just me and them) but they are older and used to it all now.

    Talk to your partner. He needs to sit down with his daughter and tell her that while he is at work, you are in charge. That he wants to hear she has been good and respectful, that he will not tolerate lying and her calling you names or being difficult.
    Come up with consequences together, so that when (and she will!) she says something like "I was in trouble lots today" or "she kept me in the naughty corner", he knows to say "what did you do" rather than asking you in front of her- as that undermines you.

    Also suggest swapping the weekends- have him tell ex that shifts have changed and he wants to actually see his daughter and not leave her with you while he works.

    As for them not having a great relationship and it ending in a fight- tough. That's his problem, not yours.

  5. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to DT75 For This Useful Post:

    babyno1onboard  (08-01-2016),binnielici  (08-01-2016),LoveLivesHere  (08-01-2016),VicPark  (08-01-2016)

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    12,708
    Thanks
    9,558
    Thanked
    12,691
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/1/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 7/11/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 3/10/14100 Posts in a week

    Default Help with my step daughter! Am I being selfish?

    Poor child. Being a 4 year kid is hard enough without having to split your time accross homes.

    My 4 year old can be a real turd at times. And I am married to his father and we have been together forever. My point is that 4 year olds can be turds and as hard as it may be if they are your child or the child of someone you love you can't just ship them off.
    You have to put your thinking cap on (or get your DH to), your hubby and his ex need to get over their differences and come up with a plan to help your 4 year old step child.

    Is there a reason why the grandparents look after your step child 5 days per week while your hubby/the mother Looks after her much less frequently? Just can't help but think the child's caring arrangements have something to do with the behavioral issues.
    Last edited by VicPark; 08-01-2016 at 21:22.

  7. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to VicPark For This Useful Post:

    BabyG4  (08-01-2016),babyno1onboard  (08-01-2016),TheGooch  (08-01-2016)

  8. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    4,222
    Thanks
    894
    Thanked
    3,219
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I think swapping weekends is a sensible idea and needs to be discussed with the mother. But I think your reasons are selfish, yes. The reason should be focused on the fact that this little girl won't get to spend time with her dad while he works, not the fact that you don't want to deal with 2x attitudey 4yo's at the same time.

  9. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    2,061
    Thanks
    2,314
    Thanked
    1,392
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts

    Default Help with my step daughter! Am I being selfish?

    Quote Originally Posted by CMF View Post
    I think swapping weekends is a sensible idea and needs to be discussed with the mother. But I think your reasons are selfish, yes. The reason should be focused on the fact that this little girl won't get to spend time with her dad while he works, not the fact that you don't want to deal with 2x attitudey 4yo's at the same time.
    How would you feel being left to babysit a bratty 4 yo who didn't listen and respect you for entire weekends on a regular basis?

    I don't think the OP is selfish at all.

    The child's parents need to address her behaviour and look after their child, not expect someone else to.

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to babyno1onboard For This Useful Post:

    KitiK  (09-01-2016)

  11. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    4,222
    Thanks
    894
    Thanked
    3,219
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by babyno1onboard View Post
    How would you feel being left to babysit a bratty 4 yo who didn't listen and respect you for entire weekends on a regular basis?

    I don't think the OP is selfish at all.

    The child's parents need to address her behaviour and look after their child, not expect someone else to.
    It's not babysitting, this girl is a part of the OP's immediate family.

  12. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to CMF For This Useful Post:

    just her chameleon  (08-01-2016),LoveLivesHere  (08-01-2016),MissMuppet  (11-01-2016),PomPoms  (08-01-2016),TheGooch  (08-01-2016),VicPark  (09-01-2016)

  13. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    2,061
    Thanks
    2,314
    Thanked
    1,392
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by CMF View Post
    It's not babysitting, this girl is a part of the OP's immediate family.
    I consider looking after my step kids when their dad isn't home babysitting. I wouldn't be happy in the OPs situation.

  14. The Following User Says Thank You to babyno1onboard For This Useful Post:

    DizzyDaisy  (09-01-2016)

  15. #10
    TheGooch's Avatar
    TheGooch is offline Winner 2014 - Newbie of the Year
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    4,791
    Thanks
    8,055
    Thanked
    4,143
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week

    Default Help with my step daughter! Am I being selfish?

    Quote Originally Posted by babyno1onboard View Post
    How would you feel being left to babysit a bratty 4 yo who didn't listen and respect you for entire weekends on a regular basis?

    I don't think the OP is selfish at all.

    The child's parents need to address her behaviour and look after their child, not expect someone else to.
    This isn't about how any of us would feel. It's not our situation. But also, we're adults. This is a 4 year old child who has experienced significant upheaval in their life.
    Also since this child lives with their grandparents 5 days a week, it's a less than usual situation. No wonder this poor kid is confused and behaving in a less than ideal way.
    I don't know, I also think respect has to be earned, and it takes time. Not just expected. IMO
    Last edited by TheGooch; 08-01-2016 at 23:06.

  16. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to TheGooch For This Useful Post:

    DT75  (09-01-2016),VicPark  (09-01-2016)


 

Similar Threads

  1. Step by Step guide to CC
    By Nothereanymore in forum Pro - Controlled Crying
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 06-08-2015, 17:16
  2. Step Daughter help!
    By nthbrissieguy in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 13-06-2015, 14:23
  3. ..am I just being selfish?!..
    By Luanajo in forum Pregnancy & Birth General Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 15-05-2015, 18:43

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Pyjamas.com.au
With so many gorgeous brands and styles for every season, our pyjamas, nighties, robes, sleepsuits and sleeping bags are lovely for lights out and perfect for lazy days. Get 10% off first order using code bubhub. Be quick offer ends 31/12/16.
sales & new stuffsee all
Bub Hub Sales Listing
HAVING A SALE? Let parents know about it with a Bub Hub Sales listing. Listings are featured on our well trafficked Sales Page + selected randomly to appear on EVERY page
featured supporter
121Temps
For the last 10 years 121 Temps has helped thousands of personal assistants/others to set up and work as a virtual assistant from home. Our services include: - One-2-One Mentoring - Online Training/Courses - Handbook, Toolkits, Templates & more.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!