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  1. #11
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    That's fantastic advice @LoveLivesHere!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frankenmum View Post

    There have been times, sometimes loooong times, when I haven't felt like I'm in love

    Love ebbs and flows. Sometimes the ebbs are long, sometimes the flows are short.

    This is a very accurate statement. An ebb can even last a year. A whole year of feeling like you don't know if you should even stay any more, then one day you look up and realise how lucky you are you didn't leave.
    @LoveLivesHere also gives fantastic advice.

    Sometimes it's not that you have fallen out of love but more that things may have become so stale and predictable that it certainly feels like it.

    Is it enough to leave the marriage? Only if you have both tried everything to fix it And bring it back and then tried again.

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    I'm in the same space as Jarylee. My husband is kind, an excellent father, spends time with our daughter etc etc

    We've had a discussion about this before - he and I. He's not demonstrative. Hardly ever. Like 2 or 3 times a year. He loves me however sometimes it's hard to tell because he's so quiet, not a big cuddler or romantic etc. I am the one who instigates affection of any sort.

    I am very affectionate. Not suffocating but I need to see the action at least sometimes (like once a fortnight) to match what he says he feels.

    This confuses me cause after a period of time it starts to make me sad again. It's come up two or three times and I've talked about it, he tries for about 3 weeks and the it's forgotten by him and back to normal.

    What do I do??

  5. #14
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    Sounds like you have different love languages @Kimmmm.

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    Default Is fallling out of love a valid reason to seperate??

    I agree, @AdornedWithCats. We do. But what should I do about it? Stay? Go? I can't force him to change obviously.

  7. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kimmmm View Post
    I agree, @AdornedWithCats. We do. But what should I do about it? Stay? Go? I can't force him to change obviously.
    I'm not sure...maybe better communication or awareness about how the other perceives love? Maybe some couples counselling would help??

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lillynix View Post
    Of course it's a valid reason to part ways! I'm not suggesting however that it should be the first move, however. I would make all attempts to reconnect if I were feeling that we had just grown apart due to children, life and circumstance. But at the end of the day, if you are no longer in love with someone, then you aren't in love with them. People DO change and grow apart and that is absolutely okay. You should never feel obligated to stay in a relationship, you deserve to be happy and in love with your partner. And your partner deserves to be in a relationship where the love is equal and not one sided.
    This - I think you have to exhaust all avenues to try and fix things.

    But if both agree that the love and the passion and the reasons that you are together are all gone, then yes I think it's a good reason to separate - especially whilst things are amicable.

    Whilst things are "happy" now, I feel like continuing on with the marriage after trying everything to rekindle things could lead to infidelity in an attempt to seek out intimacy or passion or resentment from being held back from continuing on a new journey (whether it be travel, a new job, relocation, new partner etc).
    Last edited by alliecat89; 31-12-2015 at 16:57.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AdornedWithCats View Post
    I'm not sure...maybe better communication or awareness about how the other perceives love? Maybe some couples counselling would help??
    I have a fairly thorough understanding of how he perceives love ... it's just that it doesn't seem to match with how I do and he's not taking it very seriously (as far as I can tell) as he doesn't try to meet me halfway at least. Couples counselling ... yes, I would love that. He however doesn't trust counsellors - many reasons why.

    I can't help going backwards and forwards on this most days. It was making me crazy there for a while til I decided that, meanwhile, I would just do my best.

    Maybe there's no right or wrong. It's just until I figure I can't take it anymore I guess.

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    Only had time for a brief response this morning but now I have finished for the day.

    From what you describe you have a very good marriage. A marriage and partnership that manymlong for. The thing missing is that being in love. It would seem to me you still love each other just not 'in love'

    Things to think about and have been commented on by others. What would you replace it with if you left?
    How would it impact on your children?
    How would it impact on your relationship with family?
    How would it impact on your relationships with friends?

    Marriage is a contract. So many these days say 'I do' when really they do not. Yes there can be good reason to end a marriage. With good reason you ae jardly throwing anything away. Would you e throwing anything away if you decided to end this.

    There are ways to rekindle that love. Reminisce over what drew you together. Do this together. Ask each other what it was that you loved about the other.

    Having children changes a marriage. There are things you cant and dont do any more. There are other things you can keep doing. Having a date nigjt can help. Chat to each other on line or thru txt if you are apart or even just during the day.

    It is something you need to talk about and both work on together. Sometimes if one starts to make the effort the other carches on.

    It is not common for someone to come from something you describe, leave it behind and end up with better. Once thrown away it may be too late to get back.

    If you decide to throw it away it is something you need to truly deeply think about.

    Dont let is make up your mind for you. Dont here us say stay or go and think yes that is it. You need to reason it out for yourself. I have seen many in a similar plave to yourself and have seen the outcome.

    Wish you all the widom you need to way up this situation.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kimmmm View Post
    I have a fairly thorough understanding of how he perceives love ... it's just that it doesn't seem to match with how I do and he's not taking it very seriously (as far as I can tell) as he doesn't try to meet me halfway at least. Couples counselling ... yes, I would love that. He however doesn't trust counsellors - many reasons why.

    I can't help going backwards and forwards on this most days. It was making me crazy there for a while til I decided that, meanwhile, I would just do my best.

    Maybe there's no right or wrong. It's just until I figure I can't take it anymore I guess.
    I'd really encourage you to look into counselling just for you.
    It can help so much to find a safe space where you can talk over how you are feeling with an impartial professional.
    It could even help you figure out how to approach your DH about how you feel.
    You are absolutely correct in that there's no right or wrong, no one size fits all approach. My DH and I have been through massive ups and downs. ebbs and flows over the last 18 years but for me, I always wanted to try and so did he. There was/is always open communication but I think we read each other pretty well.
    I hope the New Year sees you finding the path to happiness

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