Ok this might be a long post. Thanks to anyone who reads and contributes.
DS is seven months in a couple of days. I formally took 12 months off so theoretically shouldn't have to go back until May but I'm the main breadwinner so being a SAHM permanently isn't an option without drastic changes (sell the house, downsize everything, move to the country etc).
Like a lot of mums my role has been made redundant while I've been on maternity leave (surprise surprise). My boss really likes my work though and would keep me if he could, but I can't foresee there being a role I want and I was previously working from home whereas I can't imagine that would continue. So for the time being assume I don't have a full or part time job to go back to.
I currently have enough in the bank saved up that I could stay off work till May but then we'd have no buffer financially.
There are a number of good full time jobs going currently, which would be great next steps career wise and good money, and good maternity leave pay for bub #2 which we'd hopefully start trying for by this time next year (shhh don't tell anyone).
So here's the thing. If I went back to work full time in February instead of holding out till May when there may not be as good job opportunities?
Should I be steadfastly looking for part time and just reconciling myself to letting career ambitions go?
Right now the thought of my beautiful beautiful boy spending even an hour with someone other than me absolutely breaks my heart. But I'm in this ****ty position where I'm both mum and the breadwinner...
DH works but his industry pays very low compared to me. He could potentially look after DS a few days a week or even full time (assuming we got past some issues he has currently coping with frustration), and I've secured some childcare and on waiting lists for others.
My fear is I will forever regret missing out on time with my baby while he is so little still. I can never get that backs
But if I don't take something in feb I'm scared I'll end up having to go back to work anyway to something that's not fulfilling and will feel totally not worthwhile for missing out on time with DS.
If I get one of these jobs I'll try to negotiate a day or two working from home, and I'll continue to cosleep and try to keep the breastfeeding going. Is there anything else I can do to try and reduce the impact on my bond with DS?
I'm mostly hoping at the moment I don't get interviews so I can say well I tried but it wasn't meant to be.
Thoughts? Advice? I love my little man so much and I'm torn between being his mummy and being a good breadwinner. Ideally I'd be off work again with a second baby around the time he's two and the plan would be to earn more/adjust our finances so the next break I can take two years off or a bit more.
Will I regret it? Should I just say to heck with it and spend all the money down to the last dollar so I can stay home a few months extra? Should we downsize everything so I can be a SAHM and a part time waitress? Should I just suck it up and find a way to cope with being a working mum, knowing I'm doing the best thing financially for my family?
I gotta say feminism really sux right now. Ever since DS was born I have such a strong sense of mortality and life being short and I don't want to waste a second but I also can't help but want to be smart about things.