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  1. #1
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    Default WWYD friend issues?

    Hi all, got an issue that's been bothering me a few months now and hoping for some BH expert advice! This is going to be long thanks to anyone who gets to the end lol.
    I have a friend who I've been friends with for 25+ years. Wow that makes me feel old. She is 34 (I'm 33) single with no kids. I've seen her twice since DD was born 5.5 months ago. She always says she 'hates kids' but has nephews she loves and babysits so I wonder if it's just me having a baby that she 'hates'.
    She's said some hurtful things while I was pregnant and since having DD. Little digs like 'I couldn't think of anything worse than having a baby', 'I hate going to restaurants and having my dinner ruined by kids around just leave them at home', 'just visited so and so couldn't wait to get out of there her DD was so annoying' etc etc. I don't think I am being over-sensitive these comments were said in a really 'pointed' way. Always taking the opportunity to say this negative crap about how awful kids are.
    She never showed any interest at all in my pregnancy. That doesn't bother me so much but a simple how's it all going once or twice would have been nice. I told her that we were asking close people to have whooping cough vax before DD was born (actually only asked her, my parents and brother). She declined as she doesn't like needles. Fair enough so I asked her not to visit til DD had her first vax at 6 weeks.
    DD was prem and unwell and I really struggled the first 3 months with her being sick, me needing surgery, us both having colds, reflux etc. during this time I had mentioned DD being sick and struggling and instead of asking what was wrong or anything the response I got was 'as if I'm ever going to have kids haha'. DD is 24 weeks old and I last saw her when she was 14 weeks old.
    In 5.5 months I have probably sent her 2-3 photos of DD by phone. The last one she didn't even acknowledge yet a few days later sends me a photo of some new furniture she got. I don't expect gushing but show SOME interest.
    When DD was about 6 weeks old she sent me a message saying let me know when you're ready to go out for lunch without the baby. I thought that was distasteful but just said it would be a while as DD is ebf.
    She always has to have a dig, most recently it was when she randomly asked if I was getting any sleep and I said 'I think one night I had about 6hrs' which she made a joke of.
    She clearly has zero interest in my DD. My DD is obviously a massive part of my life. I love her more than I thought possible. I have lots of other friends without kids and sure I'm not seeing them as much as usual because I've found it really hard to get on my feet and into a groove but I've still caught up with them and not let anyone down. We're pretty flexible with DD in that we go out with her and happy to have people over anytime.
    So I'm feeling that if she's not interested in my DD, and almost actively hostile about it, then she's not really interested in me at the moment as understandably DD is everything right now. Having said that I am of course capable of holding a conversation about non baby stuff so it's not like I don't talk about her life or anything. Her personality is quite bitter and abrasive and I guess I'm just over it.
    I'm meant to see her next week for a xmas catch up but I feel really awkward with everything that's gone on the past few months. I'm sure she knows something is up even though I haven't said anything. I don't know if I should directly say something or just cancel the catch up. I'm so bad at dealing with things like this and I'm not confrontational or brave with boldly bringing things up that bother me. Sorry for the essay.
    Anyone been through something similar with a friend? Any advice?!
    ETA I don't expect her to be all over my DD and baby spamming her but just some polite interest and acknowledging me if I do speak about her (not that I feel welcome to anyway so I don't anymore). We've been best friends for over 25 years so I'm quite hurt. She only lives 5 minutes from me do distance isn't an issue. I don't have Facebook so she isn't getting any involvement in my life through that either.
    What would you do if you had a close friend who openly ignored your child?
    Last edited by gingermillie; 18-12-2015 at 15:21.

  2. #2
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    Maybe she really isn't that into kids? Nieces and nephews are a bit different... I actually find it a bit strange that you're actually texting her photos of your DD.. not just on Facebook but directly to her. I wouldn't actually do that with friends.. even my bestest friend. She's possibly just as confused about you sending her the photos of your DD as you are by the photos of her new furniture. She might have even tried doing that on purpose to give you a hint (a bit passive aggressive though).

    I think she's being a bit of a cow to be honest... maybe she's just not interested in hanging out with you and the baby? She's not into that stage of life yet and maybe just doesn't get it or want to get it.

    Unfortunately once you have kids your life changes. I don't care what anyone says.. it changes. There's stuff you can no longer do or no longer be. I actually find it quite difficult to remain friends with people who don't have kids. I try but the friendships are definitely not the same like they were pre kids.

    It'd be different if they were REALLY into kids but if they're not.. it's awkward. Maybe you need to find some new mummy friends and concentrate on them and your life where it is at the moment? If she doesn't want to come to the party then there's nothing you can do about that. Don't put effort or thought into people who aren't putting effort or thought into you.

    You come with a beautiful DD.. if she can't handle that it's her problem. There could be many reasons why she's acting this way... maybe she's jealous? Maybe she wants kids and either can't have them or isn't close to having them... like you said.. she's single. I hate to say it.. but once upon a time I was trying for a baby with my ex husband (thank god it never happened) and my bestfriend got pregnant by accident and I look back on that day she told me and I really wasn't supportive during the whole thing. I was fine once the baby was born and I loved her like I did her sister and showed a lot of interest but I wish I could turn back time and be the friend that I should've been. You just don't know what's going on. She really may not intend to be like that. Maybe seeing your DD reminds her of the fact that you've got this whole good life now and she doesn't like a "grass is greener on the other side" thing? She might feel you sending the photos etc as a rub in your face type thing as well. You just don't know. Unfortunately most people won't just open up and say what's really going on.

    On the other hand... maybe she's just a bi tch and you haven't seen it before now? My suggestion is to go have coffee with her and ask her straight out... Read some of the things you've posted here and ask why she's not interested in your DD and seemingly your friendship anymore?

    I know it's difficult. As I said, once I had kids I lost a couple of good friends. It sucks.

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    gingermillie  (18-12-2015)

  4. #3
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    TBH, if I had a friend for that many years who couldn't support changes in my life, I don't think I would bother keeping the friendship.

    I know some people aren't kid people, but she has to accept you have a BABY. It's not like you can just leave your child somewhere for your convenience. I think her saying to let her know when you can have a kid free lunch shows she has little understanding of what it's like. I enjoy a kid free meal now, but mine are 3 and 6. It's not always possible to leave a BF baby with someone to go out.

    Do a list of pro's and cons of your friendship and go from there. If she brings joy and support to your life, then maybe have a chat with her about how for now, your little one is your priority and you find her remarks offensive. If she doesn't bring anything positive? Bye bye.

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  6. #4
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    Something very similar happened to me. I let the friendship go.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Renesme View Post
    Maybe she really isn't that into kids? Nieces and nephews are a bit different... I actually find it a bit strange that you're actually texting her photos of your DD.. not just on Facebook but directly to her. I wouldn't actually do that with friends.. even my bestest friend. She's possibly just as confused about you sending her the photos of your DD as you are by the photos of her new furniture. She might have even tried doing that on purpose to give you a hint (a bit passive aggressive though).

    I think she's being a bit of a cow to be honest... maybe she's just not interested in hanging out with you and the baby? She's not into that stage of life yet and maybe just doesn't get it or want to get it.

    Unfortunately once you have kids your life changes. I don't care what anyone says.. it changes. There's stuff you can no longer do or no longer be. I actually find it quite difficult to remain friends with people who don't have kids. I try but the friendships are definitely not the same like they were pre kids.

    It'd be different if they were REALLY into kids but if they're not.. it's awkward. Maybe you need to find some new mummy friends and concentrate on them and your life where it is at the moment? If she doesn't want to come to the party then there's nothing you can do about that. Don't put effort or thought into people who aren't putting effort or thought into you.

    You come with a beautiful DD.. if she can't handle that it's her problem. There could be many reasons why she's acting this way... maybe she's jealous? Maybe she wants kids and either can't have them or isn't close to having them... like you said.. she's single. I hate to say it.. but once upon a time I was trying for a baby with my ex husband (thank god it never happened) and my bestfriend got pregnant by accident and I look back on that day she told me and I really wasn't supportive during the whole thing. I was fine once the baby was born and I loved her like I did her sister and showed a lot of interest but I wish I could turn back time and be the friend that I should've been. You just don't know what's going on. She really may not intend to be like that. Maybe seeing your DD reminds her of the fact that you've got this whole good life now and she doesn't like a "grass is greener on the other side" thing? She might feel you sending the photos etc as a rub in your face type thing as well. You just don't know. Unfortunately most people won't just open up and say what's really going on.

    On the other hand... maybe she's just a bi tch and you haven't seen it before now? My suggestion is to go have coffee with her and ask her straight out... Read some of the things you've posted here and ask why she's not interested in your DD and seemingly your friendship anymore?

    I know it's difficult. As I said, once I had kids I lost a couple of good friends. It sucks.
    Re the photo issue no it's not odd in the context of our friendship. She sends me random photos of her pets and garden and stuff and when I was getting a new piece of furniture recently she asked me to send a photo when it was in. So no definitely not out of the ordinary and as I said it's not baby spamming there's only been a couple in almost 6 months. It's the pointed ignoring of the last one that's totally off in this case.
    You make a good point though. She is never 'real' about a lot of things so the whole hate kids thing might be a cover. I have tried to talk about maybe she might want them in the future (and she knows about my ivf so these conversations aren't totally superficial) and she's still adamant.
    I remember before she bought her home 5 years ago she always said to me (I bought my first home at 19) why would you want to be tied down with a mortgage having a house would be so boring etc etc then all of a sudden was looking to buy a house and having a house and mortgage was the bees knees. So I think there is an element that she degrades things that she secretly wants but doesn't have. Which is sad and frustrating as this time I think it'll have a significant impact on our friendship.

  9. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Californication View Post
    TBH, if I had a friend for that many years who couldn't support changes in my life, I don't think I would bother keeping the friendship.

    I know some people aren't kid people, but she has to accept you have a BABY. It's not like you can just leave your child somewhere for your convenience. I think her saying to let her know when you can have a kid free lunch shows she has little understanding of what it's like. I enjoy a kid free meal now, but mine are 3 and 6. It's not always possible to leave a BF baby with someone to go out.

    Do a list of pro's and cons of your friendship and go from there. If she brings joy and support to your life, then maybe have a chat with her about how for now, your little one is your priority and you find her remarks offensive. If she doesn't bring anything positive? Bye bye.
    Yes my DH always says that people should bring something positive to your life. When I told him how I was feeling disappointed about this he said are you surprised (he knows her well) and I said I am I don't expect much at all just don't completely ignore the biggest thing that's ever happened to me.

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    Default WWYD friend issues?

    She sounds very selfish. If a good friend is going through a major change in their life and something wonderful has happened, you just pretend to be interested if you're not.

    Friends of mine had kids when I was a lot younger and I still asked how their pregnancy was going, organised baby showers, brought gifts, visited them when they had the baby, etc. And I listened to friends' wedding plans (every detail) when I'm not a wedding type person. It was boring but hey that's what friends do.

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    Ask yourself what you are getting out of this friendship bc it doesn't sound like anything positive. It's one thing to not want children, or be a fan of kids. It's another to constantly point out to your friend with a baby that you hate kids, that you don't want their kids near you. It's kind of hard not to take it personally.

    I'd be deleting her number and letting the friendship die.

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    I don't think its weird to be sending photos of your baby to a close friend. I think she is acting so rude and immature. If she loves you as a friend she could be making more of an effort.... even just a txt saying how are u etc. I compare it to this... I'm not a dog person at all my friend has 2 dogs she treats like her children. She talks about them all the time, doesn't mean I'm going to end our friendship by being a ***** about it. Ok so shes not a baby person she could still come visit and not hold bub or coo over her. Have a coffee and catch up with you, her friend of 20+ years, or ask when is a time bub is sleeping and visit then. Its a huge change in your life and she should be there for you. I recently distanced myself from a very close friend, it was under different circumstances but I just felt it was a very one sided friendship, she would expect me to be there for her but never showed me the same respect and was not sensitive to my feeling over a very touchy subject. Anyway i didn't make a big deal about it I just stopped making an effort. We didnt talk for over 5 months and after her son was born I txt congrats how are u etc and once again got a self centered reply and questioned why I bother. I suggest you do the same. You don't need people like that in your life. Hugs hun sucks you have this going on and stressing you out when you should be enjoying your precious baby xx

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    I've just let a long standing friendship go. It wasn't exactly the same reasons as yours but we have completely drifted apart. We are not on the same book let alone page. She kept ignoring my messages not that I left many but when I found out my DS had special needs I really expected her to reply to my message with support and some helpful words, it never happened. I tried with her a few more times over a couple of months but she was very unresponsive like she didn't care so it was bye bye...

    Maybe try a few more times with her, she sounds quite rude but I guess there could be any number of reasons. Otherwise just leave it be and move forward without her. Good luck!

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