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  1. #201
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    @Summer I'm a bit gobsmacked by your DP's attitude and feel so angry and hurt on your behalf. Have you guys had some couples counseling around this? Does he realise the implications for the rest of your lives?!? He is the same age as my DH and whilst our FS#1 made it clear he thought it was my fault, FS#2 rapidly identified notable MFI and 46 yo sperm ain't that of a 30 yo. I have a cousin who is 44 and after a couple of months TTC succeeded, most likely thanks to her partner's 34 yo sperm. Physical contributions aside, no relationship is immune to the stresses of IVF and I'd wonder if he realizes that? Do you want a child with somebody who is this disinterested and from your previous posts I think somebody who has significant issues with his ex and their child? Personally I'd be tempted to leave, take 1/2 in a property settlement and have a donor bub! (Might be the last of my 'roid rage!) I would seriously be wanting some counseling as regardless of the decisions made, this will impact you guys longer term and they'll be resentments which won't make for a happy future for you guys either way. If you do go ahead with having a bub, I'd wonder how his attitudes will be reflected in child rearing, as past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. Will you effectively be a single mum and are you cool with that? Sorry this is very blunt, but I'm just outraged for you.

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  3. #202
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    @Charlie74 congratulations on being an Auntie, but sorry to hear the little one is unwell. She is in my thoughts. So stressful for you all.

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  5. #203
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    @Charlie74 - how awful for your sister and family. Hopefully the baby doesn't have meningitis . My nieces son got septicaemia at one day old in hospital ( they think it got in via a drip he had because he had superventricular tachycardia). I remember how stressful it was for a newborn to be seemingly born healthy and then that to change so quickly. He pulled through and is now 3.

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  7. #204
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gagingi View Post
    @Summer I'm a bit gobsmacked by your DP's attitude and feel so angry and hurt on your behalf. Have you guys had some couples counseling around this? Does he realise the implications for the rest of your lives?!? He is the same age as my DH and whilst our FS#1 made it clear he thought it was my fault, FS#2 rapidly identified notable MFI and 46 yo sperm ain't that of a 30 yo. I have a cousin who is 44 and after a couple of months TTC succeeded, most likely thanks to her partner's 34 yo sperm. Physical contributions aside, no relationship is immune to the stresses of IVF and I'd wonder if he realizes that? Do you want a child with somebody who is this disinterested and from your previous posts I think somebody who has significant issues with his ex and their child? Personally I'd be tempted to leave, take 1/2 in a property settlement and have a donor bub! (Might be the last of my 'roid rage!) I would seriously be wanting some counseling as regardless of the decisions made, this will impact you guys longer term and they'll be resentments which won't make for a happy future for you guys either way. If you do go ahead with having a bub, I'd wonder how his attitudes will be reflected in child rearing, as past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. Will you effectively be a single mum and are you cool with that? Sorry this is very blunt, but I'm just outraged for you.
    Thanks @Gagingi I appreciate you being outraged on my behalf! It is really tough and I think I will book us a session with our counselor to just see where his head is at with it all.

    I know he's under huge pressure with his business, and we have quite a few properties tied up with it, so if it fails, everything falls over - but his business is doing well, although I think he's really feeling that it's all up to him and it's a bit too much.

    If I did get the funds together to go ahead with DE he would be totally 100% on board, he loves kids and is an amazing father, just a natural with kids and would have another four if he could - so it's not that he would be a disinterested father or not want a DE child, it's purely the money and he's got a bee in his bonnet about paying for IVF or DE. I know it's a lot of money, but he's resisting it like crazy - maybe because he already sees so much going out - we're building a house, he's paying me a wage because I've got no income coming in, he's paying for all the court costs to increase time with his son, and I think he doesn't want to face another $20K bill. I also think because he's had two kids when he was younger that didn't cost a cent to produce, he just doesn't see that this is what it will take in our 40s.

    All in all he's a really good guy, he is a great husband and father - but on this he's being very stubborn and just isn't getting it. I told him last night that he is sending me mixed messages - on one hand he can see three or four kids running around our new place - but then he burrs up if I want to talk about the costs involved in DE.

    I know I have to get my act together anyway and start earning an income again, so that's fine, but I have to do what I feel in my heart, which is to have a child, come what may, so if it takes me doing it pretty much on my own, that's what it will take. I don't think it's about him not wanting a child at all, that is a non-issue, it's just the costs - but his refusal to contribute is going to cause a rift if we don't get it sorted. So yes, a counseling session will be coming up for sure.
    Last edited by Summer; 19-12-2015 at 15:04.

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  9. #205
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    @Charlie74 congratulations on being an Aunty and I'm glad you got to talk to your sister for quite a while today. The poor little bub though, I hope she's OK and it's just something that can be dealt with easily.

    I know how you feel about how hard this all is and whether you ever will have a take home bub, but don't lose heart, the one thing I've learned from all the beautiful ladies on this thread is that persistence is the key at this age and we just have to keep searching, keep trying and investigate every avenue possible. I'm sure your turn will come hon

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  11. #206
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    @Summer, I second everything @Gagingi so eloquently said above. I'm sorry hon, but being that this man is more than happy to spend tens of thousands of dollars fighting to gain access to his son I would have thought he might understand your need to have a child of your own.

    I get that money is tight (God knows I understand that) but as his wife you are entitled to half of what he has. Far be it from me to give relationship advice because I'm cr@p at relationships, but the way I see it is I wouldn't want to be having a child with someone who doesn't seem to give a fruck about my feelings and still saw everything as 'mine' and 'hers' even after getting married. That's just plain wrong love.

    I'm sure there must be good parts to your relationship but my concern would be that if you let DH get away with not supporting you in your quest to have a baby, you may well get to 50 without a child and have nothing but resentment for him. Between the two of you (and the fact that you are not currently earning is irrelevant) you have enough money to do IVF, probably a few times over. If it were me (and I'm a hard a$$) I'd be saying "If you're not with me, you're against me" and then take him for half of everything.

    I know that's a harsh way of looking at it, but by the same token my DH and I have spent our entire home deposit so that I could have (or try to have) a baby. He has kids and would be fine if he didn't have another but he agreed to it because he loves me and wants me to be happy. That's what relationships are all about.

    Yep, by all means go out and try to revive your Company. It will be good for you to gain some independence and earn some money of your own. But do have a good think about what you really want out of life hon. Our time here is too short and you don't want to live with regrets.

    I hope I have not been too blunt, my apologies if I have come across that way. I am just very upset and angry on your behalf.

    Blossom
    Last edited by Blossom74; 19-12-2015 at 15:08.

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  13. #207
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie74 View Post
    Thanks girls for all ur well wishes about my little niece. I spoke to my sister this morning and she sounded great, we talked for an hour. However we have some worrying things happening with the baby. Her inflammation markers came back high and they are concerned she has meningitis. So at 1 day old the little angel had to have a lumber puncture. I'm sick just thinking about it... And now we're waiting for the results. Am praying to every god that ever existed that she will be ok.
    If any of you pray, I'll happily accept any prayers you want to offer up today! I think we're due some happy news in my family, I hope this will be it.

    @Charlie74, I am not a religious person by nature but with this IVF caper I am more and more hoping there is someone out there listening at the very least.

    Your sister and little niece will be in my thoughts love.


    Blossom

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  15. #208
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    Thanks so much @Blossom74 you're not too blunt, it's absolutely fine and you're right, I don't want to get to 50 either and wish I'd done things differently. That's why I'm gearing myself up to do this whatever way I can, while working on sorting things out with DH. I know I've probably cast the poor guy in a really bad light here - but it is a huge issue and we will have to get help to sort it out and get to the bottom of why he is so resistant to talking about how we can afford DE.

    He sees everything as ours, honestly I used to say "your properties" and it really upset him, he talks of everything as "ours" but for whatever reason this is a real sticking point and there must be more to it than he is letting on - which is why I'm definitely taking him off to counseling. He hasn't dealt well with my grief, and I truly don't think he understands how deep this all runs for me, and how much it hurts that he will put up thousands for a custody battle that I'm supporting him fully with, yet he won't put any $$ up for IVF or DE.

    He is a really generous man in so many ways, and he really, really wants more children and he also wants me to be happy, so I'm not really getting it either. There must be more to it, so I guess it's time to uncover what that might be because he's a really good man and this isn't quite in character.

    In any case, I'm moving forward in one way or another.

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  17. #209
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    Summer I wish things were easier for you (& us all) all round. I hope the counselling helps him see your point of view too. hugs

    Charlie, I'm sending good thoughts to your niece and sister.

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  19. #210
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie74 View Post
    @Gagingi, I'm also so sorry about ur BFN. It's like blossom said, before you do this, I think we all naively think that IVF is the magic pill. It has been a rude awakening for me that there are soooo many obstacles even with IVF. I have absolutely no confidence in ever becoming pregnant. Infact I'm downright pessimistic. Do you think you know what u might do next?

    Thanks girls for all ur well wishes about my little niece. I spoke to my sister this morning and she sounded great, we talked for an hour. However we have some worrying things happening with the baby. Her inflammation markers came back high and they are concerned she has meningitis. So at 1 day old the little angel had to have a lumber puncture. I'm sick just thinking about it... And now we're waiting for the results. Am praying to every god that ever existed that she will be ok.
    If any of you pray, I'll happily accept any prayers you want to offer up today! I think we're due some happy news in my family, I hope this will be it.
    Oh no Luv!!! How bloody stressful for all concerned

    Am sending prayers to the Universe as I type!!!

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