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  1. #1301
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    Too many of you all the quote!
    I too feel like I'm doing this whole process on my own, DP not very supportive, wants to have a child but never discusses Anything IVF related, walks away when I cry, and one big factor for us is his sperm and he won't do one thing about it ( he could improve it with lifestyle changes). We are both against using donor sperm ( are now onto DE) but if that was our only option and he refused what would I do? Would I go for it on my own and risk everything to end up with nothing?
    I think often "this is not the life I'm meant to be in" someone made a mistake!!!
    X

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  3. #1302
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissDa View Post
    I think often "this is not the life I'm meant to be in" someone made a mistake!!!X

    I often feel like that hon. How did I end up like this? This was not the plan? I guess we just have to make the best of it, but it's not bl@@dy easy

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  5. #1303
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blossom74 View Post
    Theoretically that makes a lot of sense to me @Green lady. And that's pretty much what it would come to for us I think. "We've done all we can, it didn't work, there's nothing more we can do...."

    But how do you tell your heart that? How do you accept that the one thing you want more than anything else will never happen? It's just too.....BIG.

    I feel so much for anyone who has to come to that point.


    Blossom
    My DH has said he doesn't want to have children after the age of 50, that's his cut off time and is three years away. But that time goes so quickly so it's now or never for us.

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  7. #1304
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tahli View Post
    I have a feeling he needs a plan written out for him. And for you to be 100% direct about what you want, which if you chose CT is very easy.
    He knows how to fight for his boys. They're tangible and the legal process is written in black and white to follow. But after many miscarriages (I'm so sorry to have to write that) I'm wondering if he feels like he's not chasing something tangible. Where as if you write the plan (not that you should have to of course!) and he has the next step in black and white with costs and success rates I wonder if he'll feel like your baby together could be more tangible.
    He must be pulled in all sort of directions with his previous relationship/s and children, work, his marriage etc.
    Just set it out for him with as much directness as you can muster. Failing that, hit him over the head with a club!! He'll either come to the party or you'll need to make a decision about just how much you want that baby.
    Yep, you're spot on - it's been my faffing around hoping I'd fall pregnant again that has stopped me putting together that direct plan of action for DE. So I think it is coming to a head now and it is up to me to make those decisions, get all the info, present it to him and then I don't doubt he'll be on board with it. I don't think I've made it easy with trying naturally again and now wanting to do one last OE cycle just to put my mind at rest that it truly is over with OE.

    So now I'll be stalking the CT thread and asking @JulieMalooley and @Tahli all sorts of annoying questions that they've likely already covered for other people a hundred times @Bongley I will do what you did as well and put an ad on EDA and while I'm seeing if anyone comes through there, I'll also be getting CT organised behind the scenes so that I can go straight there if it doesn't look like it's going to happen in Aus.

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  9. #1305
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    This is for @Summer but I thought there might be some other girls who might find it useful:

    http://capefertilityclinic.co.za/

    http://baby2mom.co.za/
    http://www.nurture.co.za/
    http://www.sunshineeggdonors.com/
    http://giftovlife.com/

    @JulieMalooley Do you have the link for the one you used? I cant find it online.

    I hope this helps. Just email CFC and they will send you all the initial info to peruse.

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  11. #1306
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    @Blossom74 I feel a bit of a fraud posting on here as I'm not yet 40 but Ifollow this thread and am cheering you all on from the side.

    I think a lot of people stop due to finances but someone told me once you know its time to stop when its harder to keep going.....I hope that makes sense xx

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  13. #1307
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    Im with @Precious40 and have never actually set an end date or number of cycles, even now its not set in stone but I think Im one of those commitment phobics who can see too many sides of the coin to stick to one. The Drs have always suggested to draw a line somewhere though. too scared.

    The whole thing is a process that we all go through mentally and its different for our partners as they are somewhat on the outer compared to us who have to endure all the physical stuff. My DH hadn't been saying much for a while about things, until just before xmas, we were both a little tipsy and he opened up about how he felt and how he felt guilty for feeling that way as I was the one that had to go through so much. He said he couldn't take seeing me having all these people in the room sticking things into me for this thing thats supposed to be our own private beautiful moment. It still brings me to tears now writing it, its changed his sex drive to be almost non existent and he's been drinking like a wino for the past 6-12 months at least. So it was kind of hard to hear a bit but I am relieved that he finally could open up and say whats been worrying him. It just takes us all different times to process it all but I think you girls have to talk to your guys and try and be really sensitive to what they have to say. Sometimes their behaviour isn't inline with whats really going on and I know, Ive sat in Drs rooms and talking about what "I" want not what "we" want and i leave feeling terrible about it even tho DH has never mentioned it.

    @Blossom74 the money thing is a thing for us too, we also rent and have part of a deposit for a house and Im just reluctant to spend it on something that I have no guarantee will actually work. But we have been happy with the service we have been going through even though we haven't had a take home baby. I have on numerous occasions asked whether theres any benefit to us (in our situation) going private as all the Docs work at Genea, and they've said no. So for us, with my eggs anyway, I guess we've been lucky that we got into the system at RPA early and we have that cheaper option. DE might be a different story, I'd be more willing to fork out money for a greater guarantee. Its hard as you have to try and balance out all parts of your life, especially whilst going through years or frucked up infertility and losses. I could be earning more money in a full time job but mentally I need to do my business stuff and take a few risks and do something positive for myself but I do question myself around it all. You can only do so much.

    My only suggestion is to look at what you can afford to do and then make a loose plan. The DE thing if you decide to go there, can wait, I know you want it NOW, but if you needed to get some money together its not urgent if its someone younger's eggs.

    HTH?
    Last edited by tuxcat; 08-01-2016 at 10:14.

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  15. #1308
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    @tuxcat, you're very lucky your DH opened up to you like that. My DH (over 50) says nothing about the whole IVF thing. He is a traditional 'man of few words.' He never speaks about our MC, or what we will do in the future. When I raise it with him he just says "It's up to you, we can only go as far as our money lets us." We spent our home deposit on IVF.

    My DH comes for EPU obviously, as he has to do TESA at the same time, but has never once come to the transfers or the ultrasounds. Even when I MC I got my parents to drive me for my D&C while he went to work.

    He will not be drawn into a conversation on it no matter how hard I try. When I did get my BFP he wouldn't believe it until I got my BT done. Even then he said something along the lines of "I'll get excited when there is a baby here with us." He is good in that he will provide financially for this but he is not (or doesn't seem to be) as emotionally invested in this as I am.

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  17. #1309
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    @Blossom74 it sounds like some counselling might be helpful? You need some way of getting him to hear what you have to say and to say what he feels - I don't know if it would be worth seeing a counsellor at your clinic by yourself first and go through all this with them and then book you both in?

    Im sorry its so hard, IVF sucks at the best of times.

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  19. #1310
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blossom74 View Post
    @tuxcat, you're very lucky your DH opened up to you like that. My DH (over 50) says nothing about the whole IVF thing. He is a traditional 'man of few words.' He never speaks about our MC, or what we will do in the future. When I raise it with him he just says "It's up to you, we can only go as far as our money lets us." We spent our home deposit on IVF.

    My DH comes for EPU obviously, as he has to do TESA at the same time, but has never once come to the transfers or the ultrasounds. Even when I MC I got my parents to drive me for my D&C while he went to work.

    He will not be drawn into a conversation on it no matter how hard I try. When I did get my BFP he wouldn't believe it until I got my BT done. Even then he said something along the lines of "I'll get excited when there is a baby here with us." He is good in that he will provide financially for this but he is not (or doesn't seem to be) as emotionally invested in this as I am.
    I think our men are the same!
    The day of my laparoscopy DP played golf!!! I'm still seething!
    When I came home after finding out our third cycle was cancelled due to poor response he walked away and sat outside playing on his phone, I called him an a-hole and left!
    He said after he needed time to work out what to say, always says to me "you get your hopes up"
    My awesome donor said she'll play the man role and support me, we always joke it would so much easier if we were lesbians! 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

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