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  1. #11
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    TheGooch is offline Winner 2014 - Newbie of the Year
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    I feel for your inlaws.
    I agree with pp stay out as best you can but assist your inlaws to get out of this situation. Offer support for them to do so.
    And if your DH has to step in, then he should. However his parents must agree they need this support. I'd hate for your DH to speak to BIL and his parents (through fear or need to smooth things over) tell BIL and SIL they don't agree with your DH. That gets messy all around.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiny Dancer View Post
    @misskittyfantastico I'm so sorry you weren't able to help your in laws. I suspect that any attempts to speak with my BIL would go badly... because everything we say is a criticism apparently. So much so that stopping their kids from doing something potentially dangerous gets us in trouble. We've had some conversations about boundaries, and will no doubt do so again soon.
    Yeah it really sucks I hope you can all find a way through this.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GucciDahling View Post
    I'd hate for your DH to speak to BIL and his parents (through fear or need to smooth things over) tell BIL and SIL they don't agree with your DH. That gets messy all around.
    Great point. I don't think it would happen, but definitely something to clarify if DH ends up needing to say something.

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    I'd ask the inlaws if they would like some support in dealing with it.

    If yes if have some kind of family meeting where appropriate boundaries are put in place including money to be paid and the acknowledgement that inlaws will be going on holidays.

    If you actually feel that their behaviour is abusive and the inlaws at a disadvantage because of this I would get the brothers to step in and say they won't tolerate it.

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  9. #15
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    Default WWYD / WDYT - family situation

    Quote Originally Posted by GucciDahling View Post
    I feel for your inlaws.
    I agree with pp stay out as best you can but assist your inlaws to get out of this situation. Offer support for them to do so.
    And if your DH has to step in, then he should. However his parents must agree they need this support. I'd hate for your DH to speak to BIL and his parents (through fear or need to smooth things over) tell BIL and SIL they don't agree with your DH. That gets messy all around.
    Agree with this all.
    Support the in-laws through this atrocious situation. Let THEM know that you think they are being treated appallingly and you're not down with it. Ask them how they'd like to proceed/what they'd like to see happen and how you can help with that.
    However I would go further and say that even though it's a situation between the parents in-law and BIL&SIL it is still your dh's brother. I think DH is well within his rights (unless parents categorically say butt out) to say to BIL I think the way you're treating our parents is crap and I don't support what you're doing. Maybe these people need to be called out on their behaviour to pull their head in. And also as per previous thread on 'do you always stand up for what you believe in' I think that if you don't say it's not cool then perhaps BIL and SIL think that everyone is on their side snd they're not doing anything wrong 😖 personally I'd hate to be seen to be complicit in their behaviour.
    By the sounds of it any call-out would get messy. Sounds like it's already messy though.
    I am protective of my parents. They don't stand up for themselves. If I see them getting treated badly I say to them you're being treated really badly and I'll say something to support you if you like. Though when I have directly witnessed a family member speak awfully to my mum (who just wears it) I have straight out said hey you do NOT speak to her like that. I can't stand by and see them stepped on in front of me 😡 as I said if I let it go it's almost like saying it's ok if that makes sense?
    I feel so sorry for your in-laws as they're probably thinking if they speak up they'll lose contact with the grandkids. How awful. Dreadful behaviour on the part of BIL and SIL, definitely abusive.
    ETA: your in-laws not ours lol
    Last edited by gingermillie; 14-12-2015 at 20:42.

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    If I was in your DH's position, I'd say something. But then, I'd say something if I felt my sister was mistreating our parents cause that's our relationship. I wouldn't say 'oh mum said xyz though' for eg cause that just causes more friction between the two.

    I agree with what the PP said about your DH talking with his parents and seeing if they want him to say anything.

    Your poor in laws though. They sound like wonderful people just trying to help out.

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    @gingermillie I think you've hit all the main points there. My in laws definitely know that we all support them and that BIL&SIL are out of line. MIL was on the phone to us in rotation all day today. Since none of the rest of us live close by, I sent my mum to check in on her.

    None of what has happened has happened in front of me. If it had, I would have said something on the spot... not in an aggressive way, but more like a "wow... bit harsh don't you think," and follow up with how I saw the situation.

    I think you could be right. They probably think we would all agree with their actions/beliefs. And after the recent episode, DH and my other BIL are more than over what's been happening. The entitlement is galling, and the rage is unwarranted and increasing in frequency. My in laws are terrified they'll never see the kids again.

    Maybe the best starting point might be to sit down with the in laws when we visit this weekend and hash it all out and then make an action plan that can work.

    Christmas will be interesting this year!

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    Default WWYD / WDYT - family situation

    I think the situation has probably developed because boundaries were not set early enough and by the time they were set it was too late noses were bound to be out of joint. He situation probably wasn't helped by poor communication - in an effort to be polite and save face mil and FIL probably didn't give an accurate/truly honest picture of their situation and reasons which led BIL and SIL to jump to negative conclusions.

    I also think it's your mil and fil's fight not yours. For several reasons:
    - no matter what they have told you they know way more than you and are best placed to judge the situation. They have heard first hand all the conversations, they know what impressions they have to the BIL and SIL regarding expectations of reimbursement etc etc
    - the more people that get involved in a family fued the bigger it gets and the harder it is to resolve
    - it's just not your fight


    I think your BIL and SIL are probably nice but a little too self interested and unaware of what others are going through. Your mil and FIL are probably nice but really poor communicators and boy did they make a rod for their own back (I have an elderly relative that whinges about looking after the grandkid all the time and I just want to say "say no to your daughter or stfu").

    My advice: stay out of it. Apart from advising your hubby and mil/FIL to calm down before they say something they will regret. Take a breather and look at the situation with fresh eyes in a few weeks. Or months. I doubt either side are really bad people - it's probably just a case of each side has different values and both have ****house communication skills - a recipe for disaster. The best thing your inlaws can do is to forget the angst and speak 100% honestly from the heart (eg "the real reason I asked for some $ in return -out of the blue - is because I am on the verge of being broke and that scares me. If you can't afford to pay me then that's ok - is there some other way we can work something out?"
    Last edited by VicPark; 14-12-2015 at 21:05.

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    I would never allow anyone to mistreat my parents so if I was your DH there's no way I wouldn't be saying something. It's a disgrace!

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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I think the situation has probably developed because boundaries were not set early enough and by the time they were set it was too late noses were bound to be out of joint. He situation probably wasn't helped by poor communication - in an effort to be polite and save face mil and FIL probably didn't give an accurate/truly honest picture of their situation and reasons which led BIL and SIL to jump to negative conclusions.

    I also think it's your mil and fil's fight not yours. For several reasons:
    - no matter what they have told you they know way more than you and are best placed to judge the situation. They have heard first hand all the conversations, they know what impressions they have to the BIL and SIL regarding expectations of reimbursement etc etc
    - the more people that get involved in a family fued the bigger it gets and the harder it is to resolve
    - it's just not your fight


    I think your BIL and SIL are probably nice but a little too self interested and unaware of what others are going through. Your mil and FIL are probably nice but really poor communicators and boy did they make a rod for their own back (I have an elderly relative that whinges about looking after the grandkid all the time and I just want to say "say no to your daughter or stfu").

    My advice: stay out of it. Apart from advising your hubby and mil/FIL to calm down before they say something they will regret. Take a breather and look at the situation with fresh eyes in a few weeks. Or months. I doubt either side are really bad people - it's probably just a case of each side has different values and both have ****house communication skills - a recipe for disaster. The best thing your inlaws can do is to forget the angst and speak 100% honestly from the heart (eg "the real reason I asked for some $ in return -out of the blue - is because I am on the verge of being broke and that scares me. If you can't afford to pay me then that's ok - is there some other way we can work something out?"
    Agree they are guilt tripping. They need be firm not only for them but grand kids

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