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  1. #1
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    Default I'm messing up my daughter...

    What parent hadn't thought this at some point? This time this is the accusation thrown at me from dp. Ms8 has been very emotional lately a bit erratic. Sullen at times then buoyant. A lot more name calling. Then twice in last few weeks she's had mega meltdowns about tiny things - like the thing she got from book club is crap / she made a crease in her chatter box... These have ended with her telling us all she hates us and then turning on herself and saying she's stupid / dumb / horrible that she wants to die and even asked me how can you kill yourself. I'm worried. She does tend to be dramatic and can't stop her mouth when angry but she's obviously hurting badly too. I told dp that I want to see a psych about her. Once again he plays it all down. Everything is just normal kid behaviour. I'm reading books and parenting blogs and I've degrees in psychology but he knows best cus she's his daughter and he knows her. Now me and ms8 have had a turbulent relationship and I'm working on connecting better with her, she probably does tell him more. Anyways he starts getting annoyed that I don't trust him (his words) and want see a psych. Told me to throw away my books. When I stood firm - usually I let things go to keep the peace but now I'm really worried - he tells me she's a good kid and I'm going to mess her up!!!! It's hazy cus I was thrown by that even from him but I think the jist is that he's not worried about her emotional state / behaviour but he is worried that I'm going to mess her up.
    I clash with her a lot although I felt we were getting better. She refuses to do anything in the house, calls me names, criticises me all the time. 6 months ago I saw a psych for my own anxiety/ depression and also at the time she had been shaking a knife at me but thought ok cus she didn't hurt me. Psych very concerned and her take was that she thinks she's in charge. So I'm trying to simultaneously connect with her and also reestablishing some rules and boundaries and help her to realise she's still the child and her parents do have some control. Anyways it does lead to clashes and I don't always handle it the way I should. But it's gotten better. I actually wonder if she is starting to get more angry at herself now that she isn't able to use me as target practice? Anyways I'm just reeling that mr perfect would accuse me of messing her up!!! That was Friday and I'm wandering in a twilight zone since wondering how we became such a dysfunctional family

  2. #2
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    you aren't messing her up. You are doing what you can to help her. Your DP is an ****.

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  4. #3
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    Your partner sounds like he is in denial.
    I would be see a psych asap.

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  6. #4
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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    I would seriously look for some sort of family counselling. there is so much confusion, and bitterness between you and dp. im sure that is flowing onto your daughter. I feel sad for you. you have no one on your side. children can have mental issues just the same as adults. there needs to be some co operation and support for your family, as a family, not just individually. hugs, marie.

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    I would definitely take your dd to see someone. It doesn't sound like normal behaviour. I could never imagine my dd8 saying things like that and I wouldn't hesitate to take her if she did and it was ongoing.
    And yep, Ive had those thoughts too. My ds has a few behavioural issues that I feel sometimes are out of my control and I find myself asking if it's my fault or if I could have prevented it.

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    If you and your partner aren't on the same page, it will never work.

    Your daughter sees that you're always wrong in his eyes. That is what will mess her up!

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    You don't need his permission to take your DD to see someone. Yes, it's always better to have both parents on board making the decision. But your DH is not making a choice that's best for your DD. She needs help. He isn't helping her by being in denial.

    Big big hugs to you, you're doing your best in a very difficult situation xx

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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperGranny View Post
    I would seriously look for some sort of family counselling. there is so much confusion, and bitterness between you and dp. im sure that is flowing onto your daughter. I feel sad for you. you have no one on your side. children can have mental issues just the same as adults. there needs to be some co operation and support for your family, as a family, not just individually. hugs, marie.
    I could never get dp to a counsellor. I've tried he just won't. He thinks that for crazy people or those with issues. Ha ha like we don't?!?! I'm going to talk to someone though and continue to work on areas that I feel I can help with. I do find it hard to calmly deal with some of her challenging behaviours when I feel under pressure and unsupported. Got 2 weeks at his families house to get through first 😁

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    It is not normal behaviour from an 8 year old and she needs to see someone whether your DP approves of it or not. I'm sorry, but there is something not right going on and she really needs some help regulating her emotions.

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  17. #10
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    You are her parent as well. You don't need his permission. Do what you think is right for what your daughter needs. This is the most important thing. Then go and get some counselling for yourself.

    Whenever he speaks to you tune his voice out. He does you no favours.

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