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  1. #41
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    agree with you @moosey. opening mail in our house is not a big deal which is why I do it. as I said, I'll leave bday cards and any gifts etc that arrive addressed to him for him to open himself. otherwise, if it's just normal mail, whoever is home and collects it just opens it.

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  3. #42
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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    Quote Originally Posted by moosey View Post
    I don't really see opening mail as an invasion of privacy. In our house, everything that comes in the mail is somehow related to us as a family. It shouldn't be "private" as it would affect all of us.
    I do believe in having privacy in a marriage but only if it's for personal reasons...eg, I like privacy in the shower so I have a moment to myself. Other than that we are pretty open!
    Agree with this ^

    I also want to reiterate, I think it's perfectly fine to have and want privacy and have some things just for yourself. That's normal, that's human. Even in a marriage, we all deserve space and respect.
    My concern is when the other person makes it clear you aren't "allowed" to do or share xyz...like the mail example in my OP. It's not even about being given permission or trust to open their mail, it's the fact that they were told they couldn't open it that would bother me. I'd wonder why. And take it personal.

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  5. #43
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    I open DH's mail when I know what it is (because the company name is on the envelope, so bank statements, bills etc). I don't open anything that looks personally addressed or of which I'm unsure of the contents. Partly because I respect his privacy, partly because it's what I'd expect if roles were reversed. I don't know his FB password or email password but if I needed to know he'd tell me. He doesn't know mine either. I don't have FB anymore but when/if I did I'd actually feel uncomfortable him having free access - people I'm friends with know that I can see their stuff but they may not be happy with me giving access to someone else, and private PMs are just that - private. I wouldn't like to breach other people's privacy, even if it is DH, by letting him have a snoop around. But he wouldn't want to anyway because it's not his FB page. As for email if he needed the password, by all means he can have it, but I'd be curious to know why. I might be married, but I'm still an individual who has rights to privacy. I would never call him to ask to open mail so I'm not really sure what I'd do in that situation. If he accused me of being nosey I'd probably agree because I am.

    He will shower in front of me. I don't shower in front of him because I'm ashamed of my body. We never, ever have gone to the toilet in front of each other. I have always found that really strange in other people's relationships and it just strikes me as gross and unecessary - neither of us have issues where waiting for the other person to leave the bathroom is a problem. I remember once a few years ago DH had to come to my rescue in the bathroom: I had just been to the toilet and stood up and fainted on the spot (low blood pressure combined with lack of sleep). He had to flush and pull my undies up and I was absolutely mortified and told him next time to just leave me, even if I have a major head injury and there's a massive head wound with blood pouring our like a geyser, just leave me. The shame of being found like that still makes me want to run away and hide.

    Different strokes for different folks.

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    I'm not a nosey person by nature, so it has never occurred to me to open DH's mail by default, however he is always telling me to open it and doesn't understand why I don't. (I will if he's away with work and has asked me to).

    Funny thing is, he never opens mine, he always leaves it on the bench for me.

    I never go in his wallet, and he never goes in my bag or purse, but that's because he reckons he can't find anything in my bag as there's always so much stuff in it!

    The only time I get twitchy is when he (or anyone for that matter) reads over my shoulder, I find that rude.

    I think we both have a healthy respect for each other's privacy, but not to the point where it's been brought up or set in stone with anything, it's sort of an unspoken thing. We're both very open with each other, so if there were a need we're open to looking at each other's stuff, but as a rule it's not an issue or something we do.

    In terms of the OP story, I would feel miffed if DH told me "I wasn't allowed" or not to be nosey, only because I would figure he should know me, and know that I would be asking for a reason not because I wanted to be nosey.
    Last edited by Mod-Uniquey; 01-12-2015 at 12:53. Reason: Bh playing up

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    Whichever one of us checks the mail opens it. If one of us was asked not to by the other questions would be asked.

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    Default Privacy in a relationship

    Well neither of us is opening the mail at the moment- dd1 is going through a phase where it is hers apparently and she takes it all and opens it up sigh.

    I don't open other people's mail, doesn't matter if it's my husband's or a stranger it's not addressed to ME so I've always found it quite rude. Even if I didn't care what was in there or DH didn't care either.

    To me it's not about privacy but manners. I wouldn't ask to open someone's mail, even if it looked important. Nothing is that super urgent that it is sent by mail to a home address. So I would get a bit miffed too if DH asked if he should open my mail.
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 01-12-2015 at 13:00.

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    DH and I don't open each other's mail, but I wouldn't care if he did (unless I was expecting a present for him which was supposed to be a surprise). I think my DH feels the same way. We don't have each other's passwords, but if I can't log in for whatever reason, I don't have a problem telling him what it currently is, and vice versa. I don't think we have any real secrets. I may not tell him every thought that crosses my mind, but there is nothing I've tried to actively keep from him, and I think DH is the same.
    In terms of the scenario presented by the OP, I wouldn't be offended if he said not to open it, but I would probably be upset if he followed it up with "stop being nosy". He's never spoken to me like that, and I'd be really upset if he did.

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    I open all dh's mail. If I leave it to him it'll never get done. He's never had an issue with it. I check with him first if it's a parcel.
    I might be a little concerned now if he turned around and told me not to

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    My partner is open about his mail, and I am about what I get in the mail. Your partner should be open with you, but to me that's just how a relationship should be. I don't go through his phone, nor does he go through mine. I don't use his phone with out asking if I have no credit on mine because it is his, not mine and same with him. I don't know any of his passwords, but I don't care, he would tell me if I asked. I trust him and he trusts me.
    Last edited by Marchbundle; 01-12-2015 at 13:31.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Moxy View Post
    I open DH's mail when I know what it is (because the company name is on the envelope, so bank statements, bills etc). I don't open anything that looks personally addressed or of which I'm unsure of the contents. Partly because I respect his privacy, partly because it's what I'd expect if roles were reversed. I don't know his FB password or email password but if I needed to know he'd tell me. He doesn't know mine either. I don't have FB anymore but when/if I did I'd actually feel uncomfortable him having free access - people I'm friends with know that I can see their stuff but they may not be happy with me giving access to someone else, and private PMs are just that - private. I wouldn't like to breach other people's privacy, even if it is DH, by letting him have a snoop around. But he wouldn't want to anyway because it's not his FB page. As for email if he needed the password, by all means he can have it, but I'd be curious to know why. I might be married, but I'm still an individual who has rights to privacy. I would never call him to ask to open mail so I'm not really sure what I'd do in that situation. If he accused me of being nosey I'd probably agree because I am.

    He will shower in front of me. I don't shower in front of him because I'm ashamed of my body. We never, ever have gone to the toilet in front of each other. I have always found that really strange in other people's relationships and it just strikes me as gross and unecessary - neither of us have issues where waiting for the other person to leave the bathroom is a problem. I remember once a few years ago DH had to come to my rescue in the bathroom: I had just been to the toilet and stood up and fainted on the spot (low blood pressure combined with lack of sleep). He had to flush and pull my undies up and I was absolutely mortified and told him next time to just leave me, even if I have a major head injury and there's a massive head wound with blood pouring our like a geyser, just leave me. The shame of being found like that still makes me want to run away and hide.

    Different strokes for different folks.
    I'll do number 1 with the door open if we are in the middle of a convo and vice versa. I'll close the door for anything more involved and dh gets embarrassed if I'm standing there talking to him while he's doing a number 2 😂😂

    we do fart in front of each other too. we just laugh when it happens.

    maybe we are weird.

    he'll shower in front of me but I prefer the door closed when I'm showering/naked as I feel embarrassed of him seeing my entire naked body.

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