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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    And if someone working there didn't like it? What would happen?
    If someone was clearly uncomfortable or expressed discomfort then those sorts of conversations wouldn't be held around them.

  2. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    Working in law firms is incredibly friendly and people can behave like you have described @FearlessLeader. The hours people work are insane and it brings with it a sense of us against the world and the working relationship is incredibly intense. It changed though after I had kids and my life became about getting the work done and getting home.

    Also in my last law firm the partner was a female and it just wasn't her style. The group was still fun and supportive and I guess looking back I see how uncomfortable a lot of our behaviour might have made others feel.

    If the OP's husbands workplace is like this and she's not happy then maybe it's a conversation they have to have.

    Something clearly happened 3 years ago in a different workplace which can not helped the way the op feels.
    I guess I'm just trying to put across the other side- that these are the people he spends most of his time with, and he would like to be friends with them. It's a really tough one. It's making the OP uncomfortable, but I don't think her partner is doing anything morally wrong. And I don't think it's ok for her to tell him he can't be friends with his colleagues.
    If he was sacrificing family time to go for after work drinks, or there was actual flirting involved I could definitely be on board with a foot being put down. But to me it just sounds like a very friendly work place. If my DP said he wasn't comfortable with me being so close with my colleagues, I would fair tell him to jump in the sea and he can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with. But that's just me- as you said something clearly happened at the last workplace so that changes things. However, we don't know what that is and whether the history of that makes a big difference in this situation. As usual, we only have the OP's words on the situation so I'm trying to take things at face value and think of how I would feel/react in such a situation.

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    Default husbands relationship with coworkers.

    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    I guess I'm just trying to put across the other side- that these are the people he spends most of his time with, and he would like to be friends with them. It's a really tough one. It's making the OP uncomfortable, but I don't think her partner is doing anything morally wrong. And I don't think it's ok for her to tell him he can't be friends with his colleagues.
    If he was sacrificing family time to go for after work drinks, or there was actual flirting involved I could definitely be on board with a foot being put down. But to me it just sounds like a very friendly work place. If my DP said he wasn't comfortable with me being so close with my colleagues, I would fair tell him to jump in the sea and he can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with. But that's just me- as you said something clearly happened at the last workplace so that changes things. However, we don't know what that is and whether the history of that makes a big difference in this situation. As usual, we only have the OP's words on the situation so I'm trying to take things at face value and think of how I would feel/react in such a situation.
    All of that is fine. As you know one of my good friends works in a library that has a very similar dynamic to yours so I know where you're coming from.

    Like you I am bringing my own experiences to this thread and I saw a lot of behaviour in past jobs that really crossed the line. So I guess that is colouring my perspective.

    like anyone I'd rather spend 8 or 10 hours a day in environments that are fun and a place I look forward to going to. I do draw the line though at sexually inappropriate language and the soft c0ck remind was like nails on a blackboard to me.

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  5. #34
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    Maybe my opinion is clouded by that fact we are open Christian and dh is a ex-pastor.
    But there is no way in freaking he'll it's okay to call my husband a soft c0ck. He wouldn't take it and I would explode. Since most of his work life is done in the public eye it's very unlikely that sort of thing would happen. His workmates know me and my kids and stop us in supermarket to chat. So it not that we aren't friendly. Calling anyone a soft **** or a female version is way across the line. It never of in a work place and shouldn't be allowed by the powers at be.

    I am disgusted that anyone thinks it on to refer to another work mates sex organs whether they be female or male.

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    I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband having that kind of dynamic with his female coworkers - I think it's valid that you're feeling uncomfortable with it.

    It's all well and good to be friendly with your colleagues, but relations with colleagues are best kept within professional boundaries - work shouldn't be an inappropriate flirt-fest for partnered folks.

    I think your DH loves the attention - the question is, will he have the decency not to cross any lines?

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    If someone was clearly uncomfortable or expressed discomfort then those sorts of conversations wouldn't be held around them.
    And the hard part is they wind up feeling like an outsider or a kill joy. And it does feel like that.

    I have worked in so many different work places over the years and on balance I much prefer the friendly but with boundaries ones. So much better for everyone in the long run.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    If someone was clearly uncomfortable or expressed discomfort then those sorts of conversations wouldn't be held around them.
    This where a problem lies.

    You shouldn't have to express how uncomfortable you are with it. A lot people find speak up about this sort of behaviour very hard. Especially young inexperienced people.

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  12. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    And the hard part is they wind up feeling like an outsider or a kill joy. And it does feel like that.

    I have worked in so many different work places over the years and on balance I much prefer the friendly but with boundaries ones. So much better for everyone in the long run.
    Quote Originally Posted by LoveLivesHere View Post
    This where a problem lies.

    You shouldn't have to express how uncomfortable you are with it. A lot people find speak up about this sort of behaviour very hard. Especially young inexperienced people.
    Well, to a certain extent that's life. Not everyone is going to feel comfortable in all circumstances. Eg, I would feel very uncomfortable being in a workplace with overtly religious people who frowned heavily upon swearing. I'm not making any judgements about anyone, that just doesn't suit me and I would always feel like I was walking on eggshells. Not everyone can be accommodated all the time, and on the whole (unless there's wildly inappropriate stuff going on or a clear power imbalance) I think people need to just roll with it. Sometimes situations will make us feel uncomfortable or excluded. IMO that's not the worst thing in the world.
    We're probably swinging wildly off topic, but I think it's worth the OP considering that her husband may just enjoy being friends with his colleagues and it doesn't mean there's anything inappropriate going on.
    I'm still baffled by the suggestions of flirting, I really don't see anything of the sort having been described.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    Well, to a certain extent that's life. Not everyone is going to feel comfortable in all circumstances. Eg, I would feel very uncomfortable being in a workplace with overtly religious people who frowned heavily upon swearing. I'm not making any judgements about anyone, that just doesn't suit me and I would always feel like I was walking on eggshells. Not everyone can be accommodated all the time, and on the whole (unless there's wildly inappropriate stuff going on or a clear power imbalance) I think people need to just roll with it. Sometimes situations will make us feel uncomfortable or excluded. IMO that's not the worst thing in the world.
    No way is it part of life. It against the law for a reason.
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    I actually see someone continually bringing up their wife and family, possibly to create a barrier. He's constantly reminding his coworkers he's married with kids. No woman has ever said "oh he put his young son on the phone to me- he's totally into me".

    In my opinion he's sending out clear unavailable messages, not flirting.

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