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  1. #1
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    Default Has your role changed much over time?

    Not sure this is right title but kinda spin off from another thread about how much / little housework some men do. When dd1 was a baby/toddler and I was on Mat leave dp and I shared housework and baby care once he was home. It was really equitable. Now nearly 9 years and 2 more kids later I haven't worked (we emigrated soon after I went back to work) and gradually the responsibility for house and kids has fallen more and more to me. I've struggled to keep up with everything and he's become even less interested in discussing the challenges. When I try and talk about sharing the burden more fairly he gets really defensive or just zones me out. I feel like we live on different planets. We can no longer relate to each other's worlds.
    I guess I just wonder have other people had this issue? Even friends who have very involved partners still find they are the ones keeping track of homework/ notes / parties / present buying etc and often their husbands need to be asked to do xyz rather than working together and both sharing the responsibility. Dp had to come home early yesterday to let me go to the dentist. When I got back they are all still playing outside dinner not even started so quite late to eat and I end up doing most of the prep. Lunch boxes are still in school bags, washing still on the line, nothing tidied away...

  2. #2
    SuperGranny's Avatar
    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    hi freyamum, to answer the question, I don't think the roles change over they years, just the amount of work does change. I always did most of the housework and the running around with the kids, but I did what I was happy to do. I never felt like I was overworked or under apprieciated. I just did as much or as little as I felt like on any given day. the washing was done, and the meals cooked, other stuff was done eventually.
    From your post, and others before, it seems you have had your partner slowly with draw from the family, and from you. He seems to be just in his own world, and not very interested in being involved with any family duties, or responsibilities. It is not right for him to think his role as breadwinner, excludes him from everything else. I don't know what to suggest, but I do understand how you are feeling, and he should at least be willing to listen to your concerns. hugs, marie.

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  4. #3
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    In a way we are are similar @Freyamum. With bub #1 dh and I we were co parents as I went back to work when dd1 was 3mths old. But I've always been in charge of bills, presents and pretty much everything else as dh has a memory like a sieve.

    Bub #2 I was on maternity leave for 7mths so slowly it ended up me doing everything even when I went back to work.

    Dh does help. I do get plenty of down time but often I will get back and I need to catch up on housework. The kids were always in excellent health as dh is a wonderful father but shocking housekeeper.

    Then dh worked away for almost two years. Now he has actually forgotten how to parent and be a contributing member of this household. This is mostly my fault as when dh is back for weekends or short breaks we always were doing fun things with the kids. So obviously housework was pushed aside as I (foolishly ) thought that I'd catch up during the week. But this has led to a man that now does nothing.

    So I lost my freaking mind at him. He has till June 2016 to get his act together or he will find himself very lonely.

    I'm happy to do 60-70% of the housework as I'm a SAHP now. I'm happy to do all the cooking on days he works. I'm even happy to do presents, parties, all household planning etc as I'm good at it and find it easy.

    What I refuse to do is parent 100% when dh is home. He needs to feed the kids or at least plan meals on weekends. He needs to see a full washing basket and put clothes in the wash and then hang out/put away. He needs to wake to the kids overnight on weekends whilst I do during the week. Basically needs to parent and be a husband. But the biggest must- he must make me a bloody morning cuppa when he makes his own!!!
    Last edited by Rose&Aurelia&Hannah; 24-11-2015 at 12:59.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperGranny View Post
    hi freyamum, to answer the question, I don't think the roles change over they years, just the amount of work does change. I always did most of the housework and the running around with the kids, but I did what I was happy to do. I never felt like I was overworked or under apprieciated. I just did as much or as little as I felt like on any given day. the washing was done, and the meals cooked, other stuff was done eventually.
    From your post, and others before, it seems you have had your partner slowly with draw from the family, and from you. He seems to be just in his own world, and not very interested in being involved with any family duties, or responsibilities. It is not right for him to think his role as breadwinner, excludes him from everything else. I don't know what to suggest, but I do understand how you are feeling, and he should at least be willing to listen to your concerns. hugs, marie.
    He's actually really involved with the kids in a fun dad way. He hates them using screens and wants them outside playing all the time. And he'll be out there while they ride their bikes and play at gardening, hand ball etc, take them for swims etc. but then all the swimmers are just dumped for me to sort, and toys are stewn from one end of house to the next. He doesn't seem to notice and is oblivious to the actual work involved with keeping us all fed etc he's one of them thinking we have a fairy who does everything while we are all asleep! One recent issue was with our 8 year old having head lice. Treatment is so time consuming. And it keeps coming back as I'm fitting it in after baby in bed or by plonking baby in front of tv. I try and talk about how this is important I need the time to do it but he finds it boring so zones me out so I'm just the annoying mum making her have her hair done. The reason it got so bad is she hates me brushing her hair so I had enough of being shouted at and said dad can do it, but of course his half arsed attempt doesn't really brush hair through he didn't notice that her hair was literally hopping with them. Sorry I know I'm like a broken record on here, just feel like I'm always played as the bad guy and he's happy fun daddy, but when I have enough and stop doing stuff (like now when bub is sleeping) it just doesn't get done.

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    Yea I dislike how dh does fun things with the kids but then doesnt clean up afternwards. I have to nag him. Now I refuse to feed anyone unless the previous activity has been cleaned up.

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    If your daughter wont keep her hair brushed then just cut it off. That's the rule here. No brush! Only short hair allowed then.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperGranny View Post
    hi freyamum, to answer the question, I don't think the roles change over they years, just the amount of work does change. I always did most of the housework and the running around with the kids, but I did what I was happy to do. I never felt like I was overworked or under apprieciated. I just did as much or as little as I felt like on any given day. the washing was done, and the meals cooked, other stuff was done eventually.
    Marie you have described me exactly there! So much to do at my house, but there always will be, so I really just do as much as I have energy for, and the rest we have to live with (like a bathroom that hasn't been cleaned for weeks and is calling out to me, but I just keep ignoring it).
    Freyamum, I am in a similar position to you, with 3 kids. My hubby would never think to do any of the school stuff, like emptying lunch boxes, emptying bags etc, so that is all totally me. Although he does help out a little bit with the housework, he seems to be working longer and longer hours, so more and more of it falls onto me.
    But, I am going back to work soon, and have done after each of my kids were born, and I have found that when I am back at work he picks up more of the housework. I finish work later than him, so he cooks dinner, and even baths the kids and gets them ready for bed. But I still have to plan what is for dinner and shop for it etc.
    Have you considered going back to work, it probably seems impossible with everything you have to do, but I find a couple of days a week at work kind of re-energises me for home, and forces DH to do a bit more too.

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  13. #8
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    TheGooch is online now Winner 2014 - Newbie of the Year
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    Since day 1 together, I've taken control of paying bills, organising presents for family birthdays and Christmas, planning holidays, booking things, general research.
    DH has always been cleaner than me. He likes things clean and tidy and doesn't mind making that happen.
    We both work full time out of the home and have a 14 month old DS.
    Since DS came along, I went back to work when he was 4 months old and was full time again when he was 6 months old.
    We both agree we parent equally and if anything, DH does more cleaning than me and I do more cooking.
    It's fluid though. Sometimes his work needs mean I pick up more, sometimes mine mean he picks up more.
    Our roles haven't really changed.
    But we've only been together 3.5 years.
    I was pretty clear when we first got together that I had no desire to clean up after anyone and don't iron anything. If DH wants anything ironed, he does it himself.
    It's hard sometimes working out roles and responsibilities.
    I think we each have certain things we consider more than the other one does - I remember birthdays, he remembers to put bins out. Neither one of us ever remembers to take meat out of the freezer when we leave the house in the morning!
    But the distribution of work is equal.
    I don't feel I parent 24/7. I AM a parent 24/7 and so is he. We share that role. But each of us has plenty of down time. Like 4 hours a night of butt sitting, tv, talking. We probably aren't as house proud as others though. That's what we let go to have more down time.

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    We aren't even into this parenting gig 2 years yet but our roles have changed somewhat. Possibly for the better fortunately. I struggled heaps when we first moved in together as dh would not do anything without constant reminding or nagging. Wouldn't even pick his clothes off the floor. Even now there are many things dh won't think to do (ie. Empty out lunch boxes from ds' bag etc) but he has improved so much and does quite a lot of work around the home (cooking, cleaning up dinner, putting washing out or bringing in, bins, nappies, bath ds etc). He has learnt to cook in the last year!

    I was discussing recently with another ftm (who works) and she feels bad asking her dh to do things around the home even though he won't think to do them otherwise. I think a lot of men just don't think about what needs doing or organising. I'm quite...strict, you could say, with my dh as I ask him to do things constantly. He doesn't get a choice! I wish he would think of what needs to be done himself but I no longer expect him to and just ask instead. I work 3.5 days a week and manage our finances (and all the household admin) so dh has to pull his weight. We still sometimes have problems...he sometimes seems to forget I work.
    Last edited by AdornedWithCats; 24-11-2015 at 15:31.

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    Default Has your role changed much over time?

    Before DD was born my DP worked away and was home about 50% of the time (and not working while at home). I worked ridiculous hours. We had a cleaner and lawn mower man. When DP was home he did 70% of the household stuff.

    Fast forward and we have a 5 month old DD. DP is working away about 85% of the time. I'm not working. We don't have a cleaner anymore. I make sure all of the household stuff is up to date just before he gets home so we can spend what little precious time we have enjoying life. When he's home I try to get him doing the fun things (entertaining bubba, bathing bubba, etc) while I do the boring stuff (laundry, dishes, etc) so they can have as much bonding time as possible. He can be pretty stubborn (or thoughtful depending which way you look at it!) and still does some housework. When he's away I of course do 100% of the parenting, etc, but it doesn't feel like a chore, it feels like I'm on holiday (note: I don't want to make others who are not enjoying mat leave feel bad. Everything is relative and it's a reflection of how unhappy I was at work). This is wonderful I know, my life satisfaction is at an all time high however I feel so terribly guilty that DP's stuck in some hellhole working his butt off and missing out on precious moments with our DD while I spend my days sipping on friggin lattes and chilling at the beach with friends. Me being miserable at home won't make DP feel better (it would make him feel worse!) and there isn't much we can do about his work situation at the moment so things just are the way they are. I just wish I could make his life easier. We all miss each other like crazy and DD is growing up so fast.
    Last edited by babyno1onboard; 24-11-2015 at 17:33.


 

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