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  1. #31
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    My battles - if it won't hurt and I don't have the mental/physical energy I just let it go...

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  3. #32
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    Harvs don't be too hard on yourself. We've all had those feelings with defiant kids.
    Trial and error and find what works. Even if that means putting them somewhere safe and walking away to compose yourself.
    Big hugs x
    Mine is now trying to make a "deal" to get out of eating dinner.

  4. #33
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    I feel for you, Harvs! Some days/weeks/months you just want to stick them on EBay...

  5. #34
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    I'm sorry you are going thru this. It's rough.

    I'm very strict with my kids. Yes I have occasionally smacked but as @Cicho said I've sometimes used it to 'snap' them out of whatever screaming fit they are having. I find that they focus on the smack and then whilst comforting them afterwards I find out what's actually the issue.

    The most common way I deal with tantruming kids that just don't listen is to remove all their fun. No toys, books, playtime, treats with mum or activities. We just sit at home and do absolutely nothing.

    Good behaviour gets them a fun happy day.

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    His job is to test you and see what limits are, how far he can push and wether you are his safe haven to do this pushing in.

    If you are tired, unsure, fed up, disengaged...in any way off your A game they know this and push harder.

    If I'm present, consistent and confident, down on their level with eye contact and a firm calm voice as soon as I need to address something it generally stops.

    It sounds like the problem is you are burned out, all the tricks in the world won't work until you are recharged and good within yourself.

    Easy for me to say, how you get recharged in your life I have no idea x

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  9. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by NoteToSelf View Post
    His job is to test you and see what limits are, how far he can push and wether you are his safe haven to do this pushing in.

    If you are tired, unsure, fed up, disengaged...in any way off your A game they know this and push harder.

    If I'm present, consistent and confident, down on their level with eye contact and a firm calm voice as soon as I need to address something it generally stops.

    It sounds like the problem is you are burned out, all the tricks in the world won't work until you are recharged and good within yourself.

    Easy for me to say, how you get recharged in your life I have no idea x
    You are very right.

  10. #37
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    Meh I bribe all the time! It's how I would best describe my parenting style. Don't be so quick to dismiss it! I know it's not ideal. But I need to do what works.

    With the supermarket thing I would probably have let him get the decorations back with a sorry, and a discussion on why it was wrong. Sorry and a talk goes a long way in our house. Try not to go to the last resort, give yourself levels of punishment.

    I think things get better at 4. Hang in there! Also give yourself some you time. I know it's easier said than done but I always function better if I get some me time. You probably can't change him, you can only change how you deal with him. Remember it won't be forever! He will improve with time

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  12. #38
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    The other thing to remember is negotiation. My DD1 is the queen of it. Yes my life would be easier if she just accepted my answer and dutifully walked away. But I want her to have these skills later in life!

    There's a mum in my mums group who rides her kids so hard. They aren't allowed to touch or do anything. Shopping trips they are strapped in the pram and aren't allowed anything. At parties she's constantly berating them. And the saddest thing I've ever seen is at the ages of 4 and 2 they are broken. She has broken their spirit. They're just so defeated, and it's really sad to see.

    So yes my child is swilling pink milk in the trolley asking for everything under the sun. She didn't ask to be there while I grocery shop. So she gets a pink milk as a compromise. I say no to the rest of the stuff though .

    I want my kids to think for themselves. I want them to not just take what's dished out to them without questioning it. I know it makes my life harder. But the skills she's learning now she can use later in life. Now it's just asking to swap reading grug for playing barbies with me. But later it will negotiating a pay rise.

    Just remember when he's pushing your boundaries one day he will be pushing the boundaries in his job in a good way

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  14. #39
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    Its so hard. I find the toughest thing about advice for this kind of thing is that all kids are different. With my first once we found what worked for her - 1,2,3 magic with 'time in' if she got to 3 (remove from situation and sit on bench in family room together for 3 minutes) - then everything was magical. I thought we'd found the holy grail. Cue parental smugness.

    Then DS came along and what worked for DD was like a red flag to a bull for him. He turned into a screaming mess. And he'd thrash about. And oh my goodness we didn't know what to do when he reached that point (other than curl up in a ball and rock back and forth with a glass of wine handy). So we had to start all over with learning how to parent this toddler.

    And honestly, I can't tell you what our parenting strategy was with DS as a toddler other than give him lots of love and hugs and do my best to hang in there. And lots of bribery. And star charts. Little stickers have an inexplicable power over him. Lots of calm redirection (while DH glares at me for letting him 'get away' with it). But it was all pretty ad hoc.

    But we got through somehow and butter wouldn't melt in his mouth now and his teachers think he's an angel. And I can't really take credit for any of it because I didn't do any of the official 'parenting program' things with him, I just muddled my way through and just held on to the 'whatever I do, do it with love' mantra.

    Anyway, my rambling point is that its super hard to know how to pick your battles and get through the challenging stages, and what works beautifully for one child and parents swear by it won't necessarily work for yours even if you do it by the textbook. So be kind to yourself and try not too feel too despondent if people's suggestions don't work out - eventually you'll find a way through and one day you might hit that pure gold of what works best for your DS. Good luck, the one thing that does seem to help for everyone is having friends to talk to, so we're here for you.

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  16. #40
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    1 2 3 magic.... best program ever!


 

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