+ Reply to Thread
Page 4 of 6 FirstFirst ... 23456 LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 54
  1. #31
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    21,650
    Thanks
    15,094
    Thanked
    11,260
    Reviews
    14
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the WeekBusiest Member of the Week - week ended 5/2/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 31/10/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 24/10/14Busiest Member of the Week
    Quote Originally Posted by Cdro View Post
    Thanks everyone, I should also have said that DH will definitely go, and we also have a 14 month old who can go - she won't understand it anyway. I would also be fine to go - it's just DD1 that I'm worried about.

    I agree with Sally that death is normal, and that it's healthy for kids to learn about it. I just think that, if you have the option of waiting until the child is ready, then it's ok to wait. SIL has an older DD who hasn't slept properly since the stillbirth. She will cope and survive and be fine in the end, but I don't believe that level of anxiety is good for her. Empathy can be developed in other ways.

    I also agree that there are ways to deliver the message about death appropriately. I guess I would like some control over that, rather than putting such an important communication in the hands of a stranger at a service.



    This really struck a chord with me. We have a history of not meeting SIL's expectations on this issue. When the still birth happened, we were living overseas and flew back for the funeral. We also extended our stay when we saw that she was upset and everyone else had gone home. We were told later that we didn't really understand her situation and weren't saying the right things. A year later, we went away for a whole weekend for the first birthday. We couldn't afford the time or the money, but we went along, only to be told off because we hadn't called on the actual day of the anniversary. We are constantly being told that we have to bring it up more and ask more questions. I feel quite certain that we will go to this service, and it won't be good enough. I guess I'm no longer willing to have DD exposed to this when it doesn't seem to benefit SIL.

    Anyway, I guess there are some other issues here between me and SIL, which influence my thinking (hence the thread to get the views of others who aren't so emotionally involved! So far this has been really helpful. )
    I think you need to your family first. Only you know how your dd will cope and how you want her brought up and what you are willing to expose her too.

    Support your sil in any way you can but it ok to say no even after you have said you can if you feel it not right for your family. Yes your sil is grieving and has been for over a year and needs support but not to detriment of your own family.

    Ring her, send a card or flowers or a little gift.

  2. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LoveLivesHere For This Useful Post:

    KitiK  (22-11-2015),PomPoms  (22-11-2015)

  3. #32
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    3,234
    Thanks
    650
    Thanked
    889
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I think u should go.

    You will be there anyway and your SIL is struggling with this and wants the family's support.

    I get that she wants more and more so to speak but it's only happened fairly recently. One of my best friends had a stillborn child and I still cry, and that was 10 years ago.

    Re the service, I'm assuming it's just a regular religious service, so it's not like they'll be talking about fire & brimstone right?? My 4yo goes to church and he'd have no idea what it's all about, take some books or an iPad and let her sit there quietly, it's the gesture that counts.

    You don't have to do it forever, but you're going to be in town anyway....just saying.

  4. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to misho For This Useful Post:

    BettyW  (22-11-2015),VicPark  (22-11-2015)

  5. #33
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Country WA
    Posts
    6,643
    Thanks
    3,135
    Thanked
    3,028
    Reviews
    13
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I think you should go too. My kids went to a great grandparents funeral at about 4 and 1 I think they were. It was important for us they be there. We explained to the 4yo that Granny had died, and what a funeral was and both were good through the service celebrating her life.

    I have a friend who had a Bub born sleeping. She obviously still remembers him and I always wish him a happy birthday and include him in Christmas cards. He may be gone, but she will never forget him and even though I didn't know her at the time, I respect that she wants him included and she knows she can talk to me about him.

    I think you need to put your feelings aside. It doesn't matter if you and SIL have had issues. She lost a baby and is asking for your family to remember and support her. Try to put yourself in her shoes. It sounds like you begrudge the support you've "had" to give her so far. People grieve differently. This is what SHE needs to get though what would be one of the worst things a parent can go through. Be there for her. Send a birthday card. Include Bub on Christmas cards. Let her know you haven't forgotten this lost little member of your family.

    As for the service, take your kids. You can have an age appropriate chat with your daughter beforehand so she know why she is there. I would think it would be a light ceremony, for parents to remember their babes with joy rather than something dark and heavy. There would be other kids there too and we all need to learn to cope with death. I understand you wan to protect your DD, but you can do that and still be there for your SIL. Wouldn't you want her support if it was you who had lost a child? My SIL and I don't get on either, but I would be there for her in whatever capacity she required if she ever lost a child. I'm not sure she would be for me which I know would hurt my husband a lot. If she is still making these requests in 5-10 years time, you can probably scale down your attendance. But 18 months on? She is still raw and hurting. I think you should go with an open heart and support her.

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to Californication For This Useful Post:

    misho  (22-11-2015)

  7. #34
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    385
    Thanks
    240
    Thanked
    264
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Sally1981 View Post

    I would stay away from words like 'inappropriate'.

    If I were you I'd stay back with both of your children and say you don't know how they're going to react and you want your DH to be able concentrate all his energies on your SIL. If the 14 month old won't understand anyway there's no point in them going.
    Thanks Sally, I hadn't thought about using the word inappropriate - I won't do that.

    I'm leaning towards doing what you have suggested and I can use some of the kind words in your post. Thanks

    For the others who have suggested doing something else, there are some lovely ideas there. I did buy her a commemorative candle which she seemed to like. I also bought some helium balloons with little baby feet printed on them for us to release into the sky with her. (That didn't go down so well - I think she just wasn't ready for that).

    I also believe that grieving people need to be given a little slack and I have honestly tried hard to put our differences aside to do these things that I hope will help her heal. I guess I am just feeling like it isn't working. And if I'm honest, I do find it hard to put my anger aside, because I feel that the things I do are expected but not appreciated.

    Thanks so much for all the lovely thoughtful ideas everyone.

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to Cdro For This Useful Post:

    Sally1981  (22-11-2015)

  9. #35
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Country WA
    Posts
    6,643
    Thanks
    3,135
    Thanked
    3,028
    Reviews
    13
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts

    Default Sticky situation

    Quote Originally Posted by Cdro View Post
    . And if I'm honest, I do find it hard to put my anger aside, because I feel that the things I do are expected but not appreciated.

    Thanks so much for all the lovely thoughtful ideas everyone.
    She must be getting something out of your family being there or she wouldn't keep asking you. And hopefully down the track when things are less raw for her, she will tell you that xx

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to Californication For This Useful Post:

    misho  (22-11-2015)

  11. #36
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    22,848
    Thanks
    6,202
    Thanked
    16,895
    Reviews
    10
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Bubhub Blogger - Thanks100 Posts in a week
    I think you have two options -

    1) Spend the time with your DD discussing the situation in an age appropriate, upbeat way before the service. I'm unsure if your family is religious, but explain the baby is in Heaven etc etc. I've never been to a service of this nature but I suspect it would focus on the baby's memory, that they are in heaven with God and happy. I doubt it will be gloomy. This could be your chance to start a dialogue with your child on this subject as it WILL come up.

    2) Have your DH or yourself stay at your accommodation with your DD and the other attends.

    I've never had a baby born sleeping or pass shortly after but I know those that have. There isn't just all the internal grief, losing their baby, the anguish they have. But everyone around them gives them time limits as to when they are allowed to have that grief, and make the parents feel like they are making others uncomfortable if they go outside those parameters. Please support your SIL in some way, even if it means one of you goes. Imagine if it was your child lost, and this was a symbolism very important to you in honoring your child.

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to delirium For This Useful Post:

    Sally1981  (22-11-2015)

  13. #37
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    12,708
    Thanks
    9,558
    Thanked
    12,691
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/1/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 7/11/14Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 3/10/14100 Posts in a week
    Quote Originally Posted by Cdro View Post
    And if I'm honest, I do find it hard to put my anger aside, because I feel that the things I do are expected but not appreciated.
    )
    When you truly care for someone you comfort them in their hour of need even if the appreciation for your 'efforts' doesn't emerge until 20 years down the track.

  14. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to VicPark For This Useful Post:

    Californication  (22-11-2015),delirium  (22-11-2015),HollyGolightly81  (22-11-2015),misho  (22-11-2015),Sally1981  (22-11-2015),sunnyflower  (22-11-2015),Wise Enough  (22-11-2015)

  15. #38
    harvs's Avatar
    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    9,997
    Thanks
    6,239
    Thanked
    15,895
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 2/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 19/3/15Busiest Member of the Week200 Posts in a week
    Honestly? If it were me I'd just go. If you'd like more information about the service itself to make a decision about your daughter, I think that's reasonable too.

    Having said that though, I think I'd also be inclined to clear the air a little. Because grieving as we know can make people behave in different ways for an indeterminate amount of time. And that's ok. And I think it's fair to cut people slack, but I do also think it's ok to share how you have felt/are feeling.

    I think you could gently say something like 'I'm new to this. I don't always know what you need and I'm sorry if I sometimes miss the mark but, hey, I'm on your side here. Please remember that, and if I upset you just know that it's not because I don't care.'

    I've been through my own share of grieving in the past couple of years (not to an even comparable level I know), and now I'm coming out of the fog I'm only now realising the impact it's had on some of my relationships. Some of them I think may not be salvageable, and I really wish these people had spoken with me.

  16. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to harvs For This Useful Post:

    babyno1onboard  (22-11-2015),Californication  (22-11-2015),misho  (22-11-2015),MissMuppet  (22-11-2015),Sally1981  (22-11-2015),VicPark  (22-11-2015)

  17. #39
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    385
    Thanks
    240
    Thanked
    264
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    When you truly care for someone you comfort them in their hour of need even if the appreciation for your 'efforts' doesn't emerge until 20 years down the track.
    I agree 100%. For me, truly caring for someone comes from having an extended period of a solid relationship. You share each others' hopes, dreams and fears and would do anything to support them. SIL and I don't have this relationship. (I'm not sure whether you are implying that we should?)

    As an example, when my mum died, it wouldn't have occurred to me to expect anything at all from SIL - no card, phone call, I certainly wouldn't have expected her to remember the anniversary or attend the funeral. She did none of those things and I'm completely fine because that felt right for the level of relationship we have. I find her requests confusing in light of the fact that we aren't close.

    Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't wish her circumstances on anybody. But true comfort can only come from people that you trust, and we don't have a shared trust or ability to share our emotions openly with each other.

    Anyway, I guess this stuff goes back a long way now. (And don't get me wrong - SIL and I do have times where we get along just fine). I started this thread looking for ideas about the church service, but I'm realising more now that I probably just needed somewhere to get some of these things off my chest so that I have the strength to get along with SIL when we're there in a few weeks and give as much support as I can. Others may be more emotionally controlled than me, but I find it really difficult to be open and kind when I'm hurt and angry.

    Harvs, thanks for the suggestions too. I'm not ready to say some of those things to her, but can certainly appreciate the spirit of openness in your words.

  18. #40
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    At the beach
    Posts
    10,495
    Thanks
    1,430
    Thanked
    9,003
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 17/10/14100 Posts in a week
    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    I've been through my own share of grieving in the past couple of years (not to an even comparable level I know), and now I'm coming out of the fog I'm only now realising the impact it's had on some of my relationships. Some of them I think may not be salvageable, and I really wish these people had spoken with me.
    I've been trying to find the right way to say this. We went through 2 long years of IVF hell including multiple bouts of OHSS that left me crippled in pain. I was beyond grief struck and slowly DH's family and some of my own pulled away from me. It made it easier because we lived interstate. But I could still feel their withdrawal. And it hurt almost as much as the IVF.

    I eventually spoke to my sister who lived overseas and she said she didn't know what to say. We had a long chat and I was so glad I raised it with her.

    It did damage many relationships as I felt (maybe a bit irrationally?) that people just needed to stick by me and be there. And many couldn't. They found my feelings too hard to bear.

    OP I think it's wonderful you're asking these questions and trying to find the way through this. I'd be completely honest about why you don't want to go. Is it because of your DD or because of how your relationship if with your SIL.

    And if you go go for the right reasons and be there 100%. It's hard when you don't feel your efforts are appreciated but trust me, they are. I always remember those who stuck around and continued to be my friends. It wasn't easy but I'm eternally grateful.


 

Similar Threads

  1. How can I have been so irresponsible to be in this situation again?
    By 2plus2makesnotsure in forum Support for unplanned pregnancies
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 28-10-2015, 21:47
  2. What do you in this situation.
    By LoveLivesHere in forum General Chat
    Replies: 51
    Last Post: 03-03-2015, 08:55
  3. Sticky Situation
    By MummyPantss in forum Issues with Family Members
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 13-02-2015, 08:39

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Fridge-To-Go Australasia
Xmas with a NEW Fridge-to-go Lunch Bag! Fridge-To-Go Australasia
Fridge-to-go 8 hour cooler bags are ideal under the Christmas tree! Now in modern lunch bag designs - fill them with toys and chocolate to make parents and kids happy! Stay super cool and eat healthy and fresh food all summer long!
sales & new stuffsee all
Wendys Music School Melbourne
Wondering about Music Lessons? FREE 30 minute ASSESSMENT. Find out if your child is ready! Piano from age 3 years & Guitar, Singing, Drums, Violin from age 5. Lessons available for all ages. 35+ years experience. Structured program.
Use referral 'bubhub' when booking
featured supporter
Cots on Bubhub
Looking to buy a cot or bassinet? :: Cot safety checklist :: Local or online nursery shops
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!