Totally agree. One parents slight discomfort or inconvenience is not comparable with another parents gut wrenching life changing loss.As someone who has has a baby die soon after birth, this is a tough one. I don't know the answer but a couple of thoughts:
- having the family recognise and support you after this is extremely important. The mother is not expecting anyone to travel, she's rolling this into already set Christmas plans. It's not an unreasonable request to ask for support from your immediate family.
- death is a part of life. People forget that often when a baby or child dies there is a young sibling who has to deal with it. These children grow and cope and survive an experience much worse than a church service and a sad talk. I'm still trying to work out how to explain to my ds1 that his brother is dead and I know plenty of people who have successfully navigated that situation with 5,6 and 7 year olds. Part of me thinks our world would be better if other kids weren't shielded completely from these realities because I think it has the ability to make them more empathetic and understanding from a younger age.
- with the church service though, the part I think is a bit too much is expecting you to keep a child still and quiet throughout it. It's probably going to be boring for a young child and the last thing some Angel parents need is watching someone wrangle an (understandably) fidgety child (which some of them will never be lucky enough to get the chance to do). I think your husband should go since he's her brother, but I probably wouldn't take a young child.
- and I realise the OP never said this and seems happy to go to the service herself. Clearly this post is about concern for her child not her, so this is directed at PPs saying they wouldn't be comfortable going themselves. I suggest you don't ever say that to a still parent, particularly a close relative. These are people who have given birth to a dead baby then buried their own child. Whatever discomfort you feel is nothing compared to what they feel. They weren't ready to deal with this and if they have the strength to reach out and actually ask for what they need then they need those close to them to respond. If they ask and you're not close then make another excuse. If you are close and the request is not a 'trigger' of some sort, then please just do it. Don't expect them to be ok with your 'discomfort' (as opposed to concern for your child, which is different). That's too much to ask.
So sorry for your loss xx