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  1. #11
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    Default Sticky situation

    Quote Originally Posted by GucciDahling View Post
    I think you can decline this, as to me, it's beyond the realms of a reasonable request.
    .
    What specifically is unreasonable? The expected travel? (Maybe this isn't out of the ordinary as the family would be travelling to that location already?)

    Or the church service? (I personally wouldn't call that unreasonable).

    I can understand refusing on the grounds you can't afford to travel. Other grounds I find a little more dificult to understand.

  2. #12
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    - how far away is the travel?
    - what weekend specifically is it over? like not actual Xmas surely?

    can you send your dh as the "representation" of your family so at least she feels a support person is there but you and your DD don't have to go?

    it's a tough one, must be awful for her and she's obviously trying to work through it as best she can. it's also a tough time of year being christmas etc so I can understand the quandary you're in. Hope you manage to work out a solution that works for everyone

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    What specifically is unreasonable? The expected travel? (Maybe this isn't out of the ordinary as the family would be travelling to that location already?)

    Or the church service? (I personally wouldn't call that unreasonable).

    I can understand refusing on the grounds you can't afford to travel. Other grounds I find a little more dificult to understand.
    I could be wrong but I thought it was because she didn't want the 4.5 year to be asking questions and that they think it's not really appropriate to be telling a child that age about a baby that has died.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SSecret Squirrel View Post
    My first thought was that it was a bit much to expect extended family to travel interstate to attend and I would decline, however as you have now said you are going to be there anyway, I would go.
    Yep, this. I wouldn't travel interstate to attend at that time of year, but if you're going to be there anyway then I would go.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    I could be wrong but I thought it was because she didn't want the 4.5 year to be asking questions and that they think it's not really appropriate to be telling a child that age about a baby that has died.
    Things can be messaged to kids in age appropriate ways.?
    For me - it all depends on the content of the service as to how much I would allow my child to sit through.

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    My DD is 4 and I can understand feeling hesitant to take her to something like that.

    It sounds like symbolism and ceremony holds a lot of value for your SIL. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to say you'd rather not attend with your DD but I'd think about what other kind of gesture you could do to make it up to your SIL, such as a gift? Or even a voucher for a day spa with a lovely card and a poem inside about healing?

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    No I would not take my nearly 4 year old. Regardless of travel. Grief is a terrible thing which we have all felt at some point, it does not mean you get to have expectation over how you expect others to behave or what you expect them to do. Tbh I personally would not want to go either and although others may find that harsh, it's actually not, it's about allowing people to grieve in their own way too. In terms of telling your SIL I honestly don't think you really need to give much of an explanation, your DD is very young and she doesn't need to be overly exposed to things of this nature. Perhaps a thoughtful card explaining the situation and that you will all be very much in their thoughts. It's ok to say no to this.

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  12. #18
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    OP I think you are well within your rights to say you dont feel comfortable having your DD attend this as you feel, as her parent, that it's too much for her to process.
    Bottom line is OP if you're not comfortable don't go. Others might feel ok taking little kids to something like that and have ways of explaining it and are ok with their kids asking questions and potentially being upset by it but if you're not comfortable then that's ok too. I'm sure there are other ways that you can show your SIL that you care that don't involve taking your DD To a memorial. As you'll be there anyway you can take some time out before or after to spend with SIL or buy an appropriate gift to commemorate her loss.
    I actually don't know what I would do (DD is only a baby) but go with what you feel is best for your little DD.

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    Default Sticky situation

    As someone who has has a baby die soon after birth, this is a tough one. I don't know the answer but a couple of thoughts:

    - having the family recognise and support you after this is extremely important. The mother is not expecting anyone to travel, she's rolling this into already set Christmas plans. It's not an unreasonable request to ask for support from your immediate family.

    - death is a part of life. People forget that often when a baby or child dies there is a young sibling who has to deal with it. These children grow and cope and survive an experience much worse than a church service and a sad talk. I'm still trying to work out how to explain to my ds1 that his brother is dead and I know plenty of people who have successfully navigated that situation with 5,6 and 7 year olds. Part of me thinks our world would be better if other kids weren't shielded completely from these realities because I think it has the ability to make them more empathetic and understanding from a younger age.

    - with the church service though, the part I think is a bit too much is expecting you to keep a child still and quiet throughout it. It's probably going to be boring for a young child and the last thing some Angel parents need is watching someone wrangle an (understandably) fidgety child (which some of them will never be lucky enough to get the chance to do). I think your husband should go since he's her brother, but I probably wouldn't take a young child.

    - and I realise the OP never said this and seems happy to go to the service herself. Clearly this post is about concern for her child not her, so this is directed at PPs saying they wouldn't be comfortable going themselves. I suggest you don't ever say that to a still parent, particularly a close relative. These are people who have given birth to a dead baby then buried their own child. Whatever discomfort you feel is nothing compared to what they feel. They weren't ready to deal with this and if they have the strength to reach out and actually ask for what they need then they need those close to them to respond. If they ask and you're not close then make another excuse. If you are close and the request is not a 'trigger' of some sort, then please just do it. Don't expect them to be ok with your 'discomfort' (as opposed to concern for your child, which is different). That's too much to ask.
    Last edited by Sally1981; 21-11-2015 at 19:56.

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  16. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Things can be messaged to kids in age appropriate ways.?
    For me - it all depends on the content of the service as to how much I would allow my child to sit through.
    I agree, was only giving my reason why the op felt funny about it

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