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  1. #71
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    I'm with @Clementine Grace.

    My dh is mostly helpful. In fact he is superb if I'm not around or away. But if I'm home he just forgets to do things.

    He was home this past weekend and I had to remind him to feed the kids, put washing on the line and even ask me if I want a cuppa when he makes his own.

    He isn't a bad man, nor does he resent my role as a SAHP, but he is an idiot.

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    BabyG4  (24-11-2015),Clementine Grace  (23-11-2015),Leettieb  (23-11-2015)

  3. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rose&Aurelia&Hannah View Post

    He isn't a bad man, nor does he resent my role as a SAHP, but he is an idiot.
    This made me laugh out loud 😂

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  5. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rose&Aurelia&Hannah View Post
    I'm with @Clementine Grace.

    My dh is mostly helpful. In fact he is superb if I'm not around or away. But if I'm home he just forgets to do things.

    He was home this past weekend and I had to remind him to feed the kids, put washing on the line and even ask me if I want a cuppa when he makes his own.

    He isn't a bad man, nor does he resent my role as a SAHP, but he is an idiot.
    Haha this is so true. I've one of those too. Vagues out. Have you given the child lunch? Oh yeah I was just about to. Are you watching him with his cup of milk? Yeah. So why is he pouring in on the cat.

  6. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    This made me laugh out loud 😂
    Me too!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rose&Aurelia&Hannah View Post
    I'm with @Clementine Grace.

    My dh is mostly helpful. In fact he is superb if I'm not around or away. But if I'm home he just forgets to do things.

    He was home this past weekend and I had to remind him to feed the kids, put washing on the line and even ask me if I want a cuppa when he makes his own.

    He isn't a bad man, nor does he resent my role as a SAHP, but he is an idiot.
    Maybe he needs a sterner reminder?
    A single well timed stern reminder sticks in the brain more and goes much farther than a million "can you please's"...

  8. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    But why can't it be? Genuine question. If two parts of a couple work why can't they both be expected to pull their weight at home? God my DH would find himself very much alone if he didn't take on half the load. Raising kids is more than just paying bills and playing fun games in the backyard.

    Maybe it's because my dad was always around, and so was my FIL when DH was little, or maybe I'm just getting old and sick of hearing my friends make excuses for why their husbands are so useless.
    Not maybe... almost definitely!
    This is where people model their behaviours from. From their childhood. Households were very traditionally run with the man earning the money, the woman staying at home. Of course this is becoming less and less common over the years, but many men (and women) had this relationship modelling to them from their parents.
    Anecdotally, my family was like this, before dad died. Dad went to work, came home and chillaxed with a beer and the telly. Mum did the house/kids, dad did the garden only.
    My IL's were the same, except worse, in that my MIL was definitely treated like the lesser person (and FIL was a prison guard who acted like it 24/7). No speaking up allowed. Ergo, I was treated the same. Throw in a bit of gaslighting from my ex (I guess that was modelled as well), and after years of me speaking up and getting shot down for it, you just learn to deal with it.

    It's really not that hard to understand, and it's certainly not as simple as saying "that wouldn't fly in my house".



    Sorry OP to go OT.

  9. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I think though, it comes down to a few things. Personality is one. I notice those of us that say that sh*t just wouldn't happen in our house are quite strong non nonsense women. One of my friends is so meek. Partly bc of her personality, partly bc he's emotionally beaten her into that place. Sometimes, from their perspective, it's easier to just let it go and whinge to their friends over a few drunken wines than it is to have ongoing arguments? Obviously I don't agree, but I guess I'm just trying to put out there why some women put up with it.

    I also think it's upbringing like you say. My mother was a Germaine Greer level femo when I grew up lol she's softened a little but still is. We never had a good relationship, but one thing I always remember her telling me is "Don't ever think you can change a man. You may be able to buff them up like a stone and improve them a little, but you can't change they are a stone". And she also told me to always speak up and stick up for myself. She's had some really dysfunctional relationships, so I promised myself I would learn.
    My mother was a SAHM who did all the housework and yard work, washed cars, and dinner was on the table by 6pm every night. She made my dad's lunches for him and during the week he didn't do anything house wise...but he did pitch in a bit on weekends. He was a very involved dad though, but I spent many years of my life with a typical 1950's style housewife. Incredibly neither my siblings or myself have taken on the same role as our mother or our father.


    And to the person who asked...no it didn't just happen in our house where DH and I shared so well. He is an extremely hard working, hands on dad who detests housework. And he would forget to feed the kids etc. when they were younger because he was too busy being 'fun dad' to think about things like food. But, I kept talking to him, and I got through to him bit by bit, one domestic duty at a time! He has always been respectful and appreciative, though, and has always helped out a bit...I just needed more help when I went back to work and there was an adjudtment period

  10. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Maybe he needs a sterner reminder?
    A single well timed stern reminder sticks in the brain more and goes much farther than a million "can you please's"...
    Yes true. I did remind him I don't have to move to Canberra in two weeks. And I don't have to stay there. If he doesn't improve his behaviour significantly by June 2016 he could find himself very lonely again in a different state to his family.

    He has just forgotten that he is a parent and contributing adult to our household as he has lived away these past two years.

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  12. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by Clementine Grace View Post
    I guess I know a few people who've tried everything they can think of to get their partners to understand how overwhelmed they are but they still really don't get the help they need.

    My partner for example works fulltime and travels quite a bit for a week or so at a time is really only in the last 6-8 months starting to realise, after spending a few full days at home alone with our DS just how challenging and crazy active he is and how much he exhausts me.

    I know a lot of households where the hubby might be helpful and hands on but it's certainly not a 50/50 split at all.
    This is so us! He would probably think he does quite a lot - he does a lot outside, but that's at weekends and never has to do it with 3 kids in tow he just goes off and mows or whatever and leaves me with 3 kids. He tidies up dishes after dinner. Puts away a few dishes at the weekend and usually does weekend dinners - but only after me flat out refusing. And I'm always here to look after the kids while he shops/ cooks. It's that completely overwhelmed feeling I have with 3 kids and trying to keep us all in clean clothes and healthy food and get to all their activities etc, not to mention the endless washing of swimming togs and towels in summer! I've tried many times to help him to understand what it's like for me but in my case I don't think he wants to know. My job not his. But I think my workload has grown so much. If he suddenly had to work til 10pm at night I would not leave dishes and washing for him to come home to...

  13. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by CMF View Post
    Not maybe... almost definitely!
    This is where people model their behaviours from. From their childhood. Households were very traditionally run with the man earning the money, the woman staying at home. Of course this is becoming less and less common over the years, but many men (and women) had this relationship modelling to them from their parents.
    Anecdotally, my family was like this, before dad died. Dad went to work, came home and chillaxed with a beer and the telly. Mum did the house/kids, dad did the garden only.
    My IL's were the same, except worse, in that my MIL was definitely treated like the lesser person (and FIL was a prison guard who acted like it 24/7). No speaking up allowed. Ergo, I was treated the same. Throw in a bit of gaslighting from my ex (I guess that was modelled as well), and after years of me speaking up and getting shot down for it, you just learn to deal with it.

    It's really not that hard to understand, and it's certainly not as simple as saying "that wouldn't fly in my house".



    Sorry OP to go OT.
    My mum worked. I was a child of the 70s. My mum was a strong believer that women could do anything they put their minds to and is very smart. I know I was probably not raised in a typical household and for that I am grateful.

    Not sure if your final paragraph meant to come across as condescending or not so I'll explain what I don't understand is with my circle my friends are strong, intelligent women some of whom have husbands who do virtually nothing and get away with it.

    It's a rhetorical question so no need for a response. In the same way there are people on here who don't think it's simple for women to get more from their husbands I see many situations in my life where it's just not even being asked of them.


 

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