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  1. #31
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    I don't think there's an answer to "is he right?"
    There's only what he feels is right, and what you feel is right, and you obviously both think your right.
    You probably need to sit down and discuss WHY he feels the way he feels, and WHY you feel the way you feel, and try to come up with a compromise. I do think that both feelings are justifiable in some way, but maybe he just doesn't realise how much you do.

    For what it's worth, I am a part time working mum. I work 3 days a week, do all drop offs and pick ups, all the housework, all baths and bedtimes, all night wake ups, AND I'm 36 weeks pregnant..... husband goes to work 5 days per week (normal hours nothing over the top) and cooks dinner occassionally. At times I do feel like I'm carrying far more than my share of the load, but for the most part I'm ok with it. Sometimes it frustrates me, particularly when the amount I do seems to go un-noticed.

    Anyway, I think you probably need to have a chat.
    Last edited by CazHazKidz; 23-11-2015 at 12:33.

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  3. #32
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    He definitely needs to help out a bit and theres no excuse for not spending time with his kids! Thats so important, how is going to have any kind of a relationship with his children if he doesnt spend any time with them?

    Im a sahm to 2 and its full on. There is always something to do and i never really get a day off. My dh is away from home 11 hrs a day, 5 days a week so i feel it is up to me to do most of the housework. He will help if i ask which i am fine with. But he does spend quality time with our children.

    But my dh respects and appreciates what i do everyday and knows that my contribution to this family is just as important as his financial one.

    Its all about respecting what the other does.

  4. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by LoveLivesHere View Post
    Just adding to sahp being hard /easy.
    It can be both. Sometimes it a freaking breeze and other times it the hardest thing on freaking earth.
    Please don't judge another mums journey based on yours. No one journey is like another. For heavens sake each child within a family is different. The pressure a family is under is different the environment are different. Family/friends support. Being isolated etc..

    By telling another person being a sahp is easy is the same as putting them down as a failure if they are struggling.

    If you found it easy great. That's wonderful for you. But don't put others down by saying its easy for everyone.
    This.

    H works 16-20H days, he comes home and yes he needs a break. I give him 30-45 minutes, a cup of coffee and the laptop.
    Then I ask if he wants to do x or y, while I do the other.
    I don't expect him to come home and immediately start doing housework. I don't do that myself in the evening. I always say thanks too, and he says thanks to me.

    BUT H sees my day at home as me working too- he know that I put in at least 6 hours of cleaning, plus laundry and sorting the kids.

    I have told him several times that I have one condition on being a SAHP- if he EVER says or intimates that what I do is easy, I am going right back to work and he can become 50% responsible for everything.

    Being taken for granted is not ok- not for a SAHP, a working parent. Not for anyone.

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  6. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by LoveLivesHere View Post
    Just adding to sahp being hard /easy.
    It can be both. Sometimes it a freaking breeze and other times it the hardest thing on freaking earth.
    Please don't judge another mums journey based on yours. No one journey is like another. For heavens sake each child within a family is different. The pressure a family is under is different the environment are different. Family/friends support. Being isolated etc..

    By telling another person being a sahp is easy is the same as putting them down as a failure if they are struggling.

    If you found it easy great. That's wonderful for you. But don't put others down by saying its easy for everyone.
    Thank you for this kind perspective. You hit the nail on the head - I do feel like a failure when I hear others saying how easy they find it as I'm not finding it easy at all. I've found it so hard we are 99.9% sure DD will be an only child.

  7. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by gingermillie View Post
    Thank you for this kind perspective. You hit the nail on the head - I do feel like a failure when I hear others saying how easy they find it as I'm not finding it easy at all. I've found it so hard we are 99.9% sure DD will be an only child.
    With my first I took me a good 6 months to feel even slightly normal and that it wasn't a struggle. May even have been a bit longer until she dropped down to 2 naps a day. Go easy on yourself, parenting is hard and stressful and never really had downtime. I'm only finding now at 3.5/4 things aren't quite as full on.

    OP, I agree what @CazHazKidz says. Although, while I can understand maybe not wanting to do housework as soon as he gets home, kids don't really wait and I think it's disappointing he doesn't spend time with them. For eg, if my DH went straight to downtime mode as soon as he got home, he never would see DS who goes to sleep by 6:30.

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  9. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by gingermillie View Post
    Thank you for this kind perspective. You hit the nail on the head - I do feel like a failure when I hear others saying how easy they find it as I'm not finding it easy at all. I've found it so hard we are 99.9% sure DD will be an only child.
    im derailing this thread but just wanted to say a reflux baby is NOT a 'normal' baby. My DD had reflux and CMPI and it was so hard. I don't think I realised at the time how much harder she was than 'normal' babies but I certainly have since. If you're hanging in there at all you're doing great!

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  11. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by MillieMollyMandy View Post
    im derailing this thread but just wanted to say a reflux baby is NOT a 'normal' baby. My DD had reflux and CMPI and it was so hard. I don't think I realised at the time how much harder she was than 'normal' babies but I certainly have since. If you're hanging in there at all you're doing great!
    Thank you! I stopped going to my mothers group after 2 sessions as I left in tears feeling like what was wrong with me. I didn't need a bunch of strangers making me feel any worse about my baby than I already did. We were in the middle of reflux hell just before starting losec. She never slept and screamed all day long. I spent every day in tears thinking why the hell did I go through ivf to ruin my life like this. I was in a dark place. And my mothers group was full of people whose babies slept and didn't scream all day and all I thought was why aren't I coping why is my baby so hard. They didn't do it on purpose but they did make me feel worse as it magnified how bad things were. I could barely take a shower and they would talk about baking cakes watching movies and going out for dinner 😔
    She's a lot better now and we appreciate her so much more having gone through those hard times. If you haven't had a baby like that it's really hard to imagine what it's like.
    Yes sorry OP I have derailed this to be about me which I didn't mean please forgive me.

  12. #38
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    Just coming in to clarify that my two last sentences were different points...I hate the SAHM is 24/7 and I didn't find being a SAHM easy. It just shouldn't be a competition IMO, especially not between a husband and wife. That's just all kinds of wrong to me, especially between two people who are supposed to be supporting each other.

    In my family, regardless of how hard it was being a SAHM, my dh did work harder even though I worked hard. I was not implying it is that way for everyone, and I didn't even mean that that meant dh didn't help out, he did. But you're a parent 24/7...that doesn't change just because you go to work (unless you are ignoring your kids like the OP's husband), and for some people their job is equally or more demanding than being at home so it's not a 'break' at all. That's our experience in our family.

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  14. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Full House View Post
    Just coming in to clarify that my two last sentences were different points...I hate the SAHM is 24/7 and I didn't find being a SAHM easy. It just shouldn't be a competition IMO, especially not between a husband and wife. That's just all kinds of wrong to me, especially between two people who are supposed to be supporting each other.

    In my family, regardless of how hard it was being a SAHM, my dh did work harder even though I worked hard. I was not implying it is that way for everyone, and I didn't even mean that that meant dh didn't help out, he did. But you're a parent 24/7...that doesn't change just because you go to work (unless you are ignoring your kids like the OP's husband), and for some people their job is equally or more demanding than being at home so it's not a 'break' at all. That's our experience in our family.
    Yes, it is better as "being a parent is 24/7". The problem, in most cases, and with the OP, is that he is not being a parent

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  16. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    . The problem, in most cases, and with the OP, is that he is not being a parent
    Which I mentioned, in both posts I was a SAHM for 7 years...I've heard all the negative comments, trust me (not from my dh). That doesn't mean I need to like the 'being a sahm is a 24/7 job' argument....being a PARENT is a 24/7 job if you're involved in your kids lives. I'm no less of a parent now I work than what I was as a SAHM. And if the op wants to get through to her dh....arguing about who works the hardest isn't going to be the way to do it.

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