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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by lilypily View Post
    If you have done everything in s nice civil manger then it's time for sh1t to get ugly. It's time to get the cranky pants on and kick some a55. Has to be done

    This. I would suggest that you start by doing the laundry for yourself and the kids. Let him do his own
    Last edited by Albert01; 21-11-2015 at 02:35.

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    This. I would suggest that you start by doing the laundary for yourself and the kids. Let him do his own
    I've used this tactic before to get my point across, it literally took him two weeks to realise he had no clean clothing. Although it was while we were both working full time.

    My DHs 'problem' isn't so much that he is lazy, it's more about getting distracted and then finding himself too tired to get stuff done. Whether that's distracted by TV or a mate or fiddle-arseing around with something after work, whatever it still results in me needing to do the evening run around and left with responsibility with the housework. Also I think evenings are the toughest time in that everyone's tired (both you and kids) and it's a battle to get little ones ready for bed while at the same time getting dinner ready and tidying up etc.

    Not that I'm really a fan of the passive-aggressive approach, but what if you just focussed on getting kid/s to bed and doing a general tidy and clean, then took yourself off to have a bath (no dinner prepared at all)? Then it's "every man for himself" so to speak, and if DH gets cranky you just say you're tired and sore and need a break. Tough!

  4. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by HopefulK View Post
    Then it's "every man for himself" so to speak, and if DH gets cranky you just say you're tired and sore and need a break. Tough!
    I have done this a few times before but he will say the same thing every time. 'You are at home all day looking after the kids so how are you so tired if that's all you do'. Not necessarily in those words but it's what he means.
    I appreciate being at home with the kids but some days are harder than others. The kids only listen to him because 'dad voice'.
    As I've said previously I do all I can to try and keep the house tidy but as you all know with kids it's like an endless cyclone inside the house. Well in mine it is
    I don't think he realises how much hard work and patience goes into being a stay at home parent. I really don't think he would be able to tolerate looking after them all day.

  5. #34
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    Just been reading on since my original post... and after you posting more about what happens...I definitely think it's time to do something drastic.
    I agree with PP... separate his laundry into a basket and just do yours and the kids. Fix dinner for you and the kids.
    This will get super annoying I imagine. And might take a while for the point to be made. If you can swing a little extra money I would get someone over to tidy the yard. He'll notice...next time he wants to spend money on a few beers or something and there isn't any, tell him you used it to pay for the yard to be done.

    He's making you treat him like a child. ..like you're his mum. That needs to stop. It's not good for a marriage.

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  7. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tamtam View Post
    He's making you treat him like a child. ..like you're his mum. That needs to stop. It's not good for a marriage.
    I have noticed that. He has always been in and out of home before we met. Meaning he would live somewhere, that wouldn't work out and he would be back at his mums. Repeated for a while. He is almost 26 so you'd think he would know that helping is part of being in a relationship. It's not one sided just because I'm at home.
    I know for a fact his mum would do everything for him when he was there as he told me himself. So maybe he thinks I'm going to do everything for him just like his mother.

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  9. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by fluffykitty View Post
    I have noticed that. He has always been in and out of home before we met. Meaning he would live somewhere, that wouldn't work out and he would be back at his mums. Repeated for a while. He is almost 26 so you'd think he would know that helping is part of being in a relationship. It's not one sided just because I'm at home.
    I know for a fact his mum would do everything for him when he was there as he told me himself. So maybe he thinks I'm going to do everything for him just like his mother.
    Well I definitely think you're into something there.
    Sounds like he hasn't had to fend for himself at all.
    I don't know what the answer is really because you're trying to change his mindset and that's just not easy. 26 is still young for some men.
    I definitely think you need to do something though. Otherwise resentment will build on your behalf.
    It's just not an easy answer though is it?
    It really warrants a grown up conversation with him.

  10. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by fluffykitty View Post
    I have noticed that. He has always been in and out of home before we met. Meaning he would live somewhere, that wouldn't work out and he would be back at his mums. Repeated for a while. He is almost 26 so you'd think he would know that helping is part of being in a relationship. It's not one sided just because I'm at home.
    I know for a fact his mum would do everything for him when he was there as he told me himself. So maybe he thinks I'm going to do everything for him just like his mother.
    It time to ask him the big questions.

    Does he want a wife or mother?

    Is he your child parent or just a sperm donor?

    Get him to define what a father and a husband is.

    Ask him does he live up to his definitions.

    Tell him what you think a husband should be. Be realistic and practical not airy fairy in your definitions.
    Eg. A father should be reading to his son and daughter at least once or twice a week. He should be at their ballet or football games. He should bath the kids and play. He should be able to look after the kids for a extended period of time if get sick or god forbid die. He should know their dislikes and a rough idea of their schedule.
    As husband he should be your Safe space. Your partner. Your equal. Together you parent.


    Now do the same to you.
    Ask for his definition of a wife and mother and you do the same.

    Work out together if your living up to your end of deal.


    Than redefine both your roles to suit what you both agree is what you both want as family.

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  12. #38
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    Lots of good advice here but I just want to point something out to you....

    You keep saying that you want his 'help'. I try very hard to avoid using this word with my DH. He is not helping me. He is simply co-parenting and living together with me. For the hours that my DH is at work he does all his work without my help and for those hours I look after the house and kids without any 'help' from him BUT when he is not working then everything is our joint responsibility. By asking for 'help' I think it sends the subtle message that you need him to do things that are your responsibility when this is not the case. You just need him to step up and parent his own kids and look after himself like a normal adult!

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  14. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedCreamingSoda View Post
    Lots of good advice here but I just want to point something out to you....

    You keep saying that you want his 'help'. I try very hard to avoid using this word with my DH. He is not helping me. He is simply co-parenting and living together with me. For the hours that my DH is at work he does all his work without my help and for those hours I look after the house and kids without any 'help' from him BUT when he is not working then everything is our joint responsibility. By asking for 'help' I think it sends the subtle message that you need him to do things that are your responsibility when this is not the case. You just need him to step up and parent his own kids and look after himself like a normal adult!
    100% agree with this! I detest the word 'help' when it comes to our household. I told my DH years ago that he is not 'helping' me do the housework he is doing his share! Helping implies it's my job and he's being a good guy giving me a hand with my work. Nope it's our house our mess our job to clean it up not mine. I only had to explain the concept of sharing the load once and he got it - he never says he's helping me anymore (unless as a joke).
    Similarly he does not 'babysit' our daughter. He parents. Babysitting implies it's my job to look after her and he's doing me a favour by looking after her.
    I know they're only words but they can subtly reinforce an idea til it becomes permanent.

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  16. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedCreamingSoda View Post
    Lots of good advice here but I just want to point something out to you....

    You keep saying that you want his 'help'. I try very hard to avoid using this word with my DH. He is not helping me. He is simply co-parenting and living together with me. For the hours that my DH is at work he does all his work without my help and for those hours I look after the house and kids without any 'help' from him BUT when he is not working then everything is our joint responsibility. By asking for 'help' I think it sends the subtle message that you need him to do things that are your responsibility when this is not the case. You just need him to step up and parent his own kids and look after himself like a normal adult!
    I understand where you're coming from.
    It's difficult really. If I asked him nicely to parent his kids he would literally twist my words and say that I'm calling him a useless parent when I wouldnt be saying that at all.


 

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