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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frankenmum View Post
    Agree with pp's. It is reasonable to ask/expect your DP to support you when you've asked for help.

    I hope this doesn't come across as sounding insensitive, but having read some of your other threads do you think maybe part of his reason for avoiding taking time off to help you is that he may be avoiding having to spend one on one time with your 17mo?

    From what you've said in the past it sounds like he resents your little one and possibly carries some resentment towards you too for the situation...? Kind of a 'This was your choice, so you deal with the consequences' attitude? Which is just a sh*tty attitude for him to have towards his partner & child. But it's something that needs to be worked through, for all of your sakes. I know you've said that you're going to see a psych about it all, so may be worth asking for tips on how to build a connection between your DP and your little one.

    Apologies if I'm off the mark, and apologies if I've upset you. Sending a big hug your way! You're dealing with so much right now and it's no wonder you need a break xx
    Thanks no not off the mark, I've wondered the same thing myself. When she was born and friends would say the usual congrats and isn't she gorgeous etc he'd be like 'oh yay' sarcastically. He's sarcastic by nature but friends did comment that he didn't really seem onboard yet. I always make excuses for him like he's not a baby person but he wasn't like this with the others. He'd probably say I neglect the older ones in favour of the baby. I don't spend much one on one time with them and my relationship with dd1 has suffered. I try and work on finding times with them and giving them positive attention, but I do often feel locked in the never ending drudgery of cooking / cleaning etc and so jaded all the time. He plays with them all the time, but he never has to split his time amongst 3 he just goes off playing handball or bike riding with them and baby is left with me. He never has to consider how do I manage the logistics of this? And then weekends when she's napping there's always so much urgent house work. Maybe I could start by taking older kids out by myself? I hadn't thought of that option before but that could work. Actually I had thought about starting this but been so distracted by health issues been in basic survival mode. Dd2 is watching peppa pig right now another thing to feel guilty about...

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by ttc1981 View Post
    I'm obviously not a Mum but he obviously has an issue your youngest is still breast fed, maybe have a discussion with him about the firsts that made him so no to supporting you with some time off to help and nut out what the issues are here.
    Though it sounds like he is punishing you for maybe concentrating on the youngest and the attachment he has and maybe this is his way of saying cut the cord! Your obviously stressed if you have shingles and I think it's your bodies way of saying change things because it's not liking something
    We all agree your partner should be more supportive and that's something you need to discuss with him but I think you also need to discuss Your issues with each other too and work on those together!
    I know my partner hates I spend a lot of time on my phone (I run a business so email a lot but also Facebook and Internet search way too much) and there are things that irk me too about him so we agreed to work on those things when around each other! I def spend too much time on my phone
    Thanks that's really helpful, I do think he resents the time I spend with our youngest. He was very happy for me to breastfeed the first year as he never got up to her during the night. He's 45 years old though he needs to get over this wishing things were like before. My oldest says she will only have 2 kids cus 3 is too much hard work. I know she picks this up from both of us but I also suspect he's been in her ear saying things like oh we could do another ski holiday if we didn't have the baby to think of...
    She's the most loveliest baby, full on but adorable, I thought she was winning him over now not sure what to think

  3. #13
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    OP, you've stated a number of times that DD2 was unplanned, but were you and your DH on the same page about seeing through with the pregnancy? Or did he want you to terminate the pregnancy? If it were the latter does he maybe not only resent your DD2 but you as well?

    If that's the case I would say that's the source of the issue and counselling is probably going to be more useful if you address those issues first given any other feelings of resentment, anger, frustration etc won't get solved unless you address the underlying issue which is you both getting pregnant, you wanting to keep the baby and him not wanting to.

    I must say though if this is the case, he doesn't seem like he will ever be able to let it go until perhaps DD2 is old enough that he can interact with her like he does your older kids.

    So please try and sit down with him and out your thoughts aside to begin with and find out from him, how he feels about everything. Then with that up your sleeve you will better be able to address the issues you have as you will have the benefit of knowing where his problem lies, rather than just from the perspective that he's clearly treating you badly.

    Good luck, I hope you can find a way through this all, you deserve to be treated better as does your DD2.

  4. #14
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    OP I've seen a number of your threads now, how are you going making some time to meet other people?

    It's not unreasonable to ask your DP to take a day off to help you. If you are constantly drowning in house work he needs to pull his weight around the house and help you out. Does he do any housework or cleaning? Would you be able to hire a cleaner for a few hours a week to help you out? This could go a long way to taking the stress off of you in the short term.

    I think your DP really needs to spend some time with your youngest as it sounds like he hasn't bonded with her all that well (sorry if that's wrong, just the impression I'm getting). If this is the case I personally think this needs to be the priority, your DD is here now and he needs to resolve any issues he has about that, 17 months of lingering issues around this is not healthy for anyone in the family.

    He also needs to step up at home and help out more if he isn't doing this. Have you thought about putting your youngest in childcare 1 or 2 days a week to give you a break and some breathing space?

    I hope you are able to get out a bit more and meet some people too for your own health and wellbeing.


 

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