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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    It could be that. Or it could be that by the time the person decided to do something things had been left to fester for too long (bad management etc) and it was much harder to work out what was really going on. Or it could be that although the person has the EI they are so busy and stressed with their own life they just don't have the time or energy to put into working it out (understandable).
    I'm trying to word this ok... I'm getting the impression that you believe it's the victims responsibility to sort out why the bullying is happening? Aren't you a manager at work? (I may be thinking of someone ese?) How would you approach the situation if someone made a formal complaint to you about bullying?

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by ScubaGal View Post
    OP I've been in a very similar situation to you. Small office, high pressure and a bully who first bullied my staff, then me, then my boss (after I left).

    I ended up just leaving the organisation as it was so toxic however in hindsight the one thing I wish I had tried harder at was calling out bad behaviour on the spot.

    It's the only thing that works in my experiences (since that job).

    You have to say, out loud "I don't appreciate xyz" or "when you xyz, I feel ..."

    You have to do it at the time that something is happening.

    So for example in my situation the bully used to talk over me and make sarcastic comments belittling me in meetings in front of the CEO.

    I should have said, at the time, "I don't appreciate you interrupting me, and when you make comments like that I feel that you are disrespecting my point of view".

    A couple of these would have taken the wind out of her sails I'm sure of it because true bullies get their kick out of making you retreat into your head and most will back off completely if you stand your ground.

    It's worth a shot? Be specific, be timely - call out the exact behaviour as it happens.

    Practice at home a few times with role play first if that helps.
    I do agree with this.

    It depends how assertive you feel you can be OP - a lot of people find it hard to stand up to bullies. Bullies love being able to belittle someone without being challenged.

    I think sometimes, if you can stand up for yourself and call someone out on their poor behaviour, it can often nip it in the bud.

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-Degrassi View Post
    I do agree with this.

    It depends how assertive you feel you can be OP - a lot of people find it hard to stand up to bullies. Bullies love being able to belittle someone without being challenged.

    I think sometimes, if you can stand up for yourself and call someone out on their poor behaviour, it can often nip it in the bud.
    Yep. And Practice really helps.

    Think of it this way, if you can find a way to confront them head on, then that's a super important skill you will take with you anytime you need to be your own advocate.

    It also makes for a great answer in your next job interview when you get asked how you cope with interpersonal conflict.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by just her chameleon View Post
    I'm trying to word this ok... I'm getting the impression that you believe it's the victims responsibility to sort out why the bullying is happening? Aren't you a manager at work? (I may be thinking of someone ese?) How would you approach the situation if someone made a formal complaint to you about bullying?
    I think the point may be that sometimes (not always, and I'm not staying this is true of the OP) people believe they are victims when they are not.

    I worked with a lady who truly believed she was being bullied and pushed out. I was in the same meetings and privy to the same emails as her and couldn't see where she was coming from. She had a very 'glass is half empty' attitude and always looked for the worst in people / situations. I think she was also suffering from depression. I really did feel for her as the whole thing really upset her. But I honestly don't think she was being bullied and felt for the person she was accusing of bullying her. The whole situation was a mess.

    Another time I was accused of bullying. I was astonished! I was managing a team of 100 people and rarely had any interaction with her? She said my emails and conversations were blunt. I'm blunt because I'm extremely busy and don't have time for small talk and fluffy emails. If she had of said I was rude I could kind of understand but bullying is systematic picking on an individual and that I was definitely not doing, I actually thought she was great at her job.

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  6. #25
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    To be fair to the OP she has discussed this with her manager who acknowledged there is a problem.

    So I don't think this is being imagined by the OP. I understand people are speaking in the abstract but it pays to remember she may be feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment.

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  8. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I think you've missed my point. In my opinion there are very few cases where someone is truly an ********. If you figure out what is making the other person tick (requires sufficient emotional intelligence) you may just be able to improve the situation.

    I have a staff member who has a history of losing temper with other staff - really is disliked. After a bit of digging it turns out the staff member has some specific life experiences and a mental health condition which is partly behind the anger. A bit of help, a tailored communications approach, counsellIng and very clear rapid feedback from myself with specific incidents and there hasn't been a complaint in quite some time.

    Not saying all cases can be helped (especially if they have been left to fester) just that if you scratch the surface you never know what you will find.

    Not saying this to try and upset the OP, just to provide food for thought and perhaps something will resonate which may be if assistance. I will note that *if* the OP is interested in promotions or climbing the management ladder, if she can look at workplace relations in a proactive and preventative light rather than a reactive light then that would help advancement prospects. Of course if the OP has no interest in climbing the ladder, her supervisor should be able to do this (hopefully) and nip the bullying behavior in the bud.
    I meant to quote not like, oops!!!

    I like to think I'm mindful of what's going on with other people and the fact they may be struggling but I have to say there is no excuse to bully someone or if you can't accept its bullying being mean.

    I work with a lady who treats me like crap, the only one in a large work environment and to be honest I don't give a toss why she does it, there is no excuse.

    We all have stuff going on, plenty of people have mental health issues and it should absolutely not give them a free ride to behave however they want.

    I would consider myself an insightful with fairly good emotional intelligence and I can't for the life of me work out what this persons problem.

    What you are saying is it's the victims ( not sure what else to call them) fault for not fixing it. Well that's just victim blaming. I can assure you it isn't my fault that my colleague chooses to target and belittle me and I can guarantee the OP is the same.

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  10. #27
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    Vicpark I have to disagree with you. There are just assholes out there, I know because I've met enough of them! I also don't give a **** why someone treats people the way they do, there is no excuse for any sort of crappy behaviour, no matter what the circumstances are at home or mental health issues etc. It's just not on.

    OP if you feel like this issue can't or won't be resolved then move on. There are nice places to work. I had a bullying problem that I tried to get resolved but it just wasn't resolved all that well. Unfortunately this person did it to everyone that was under him, so I wasn't alone, but no one else stepped up to the plate to get it sorted out. A large number of people were affected by his behaviour but as someone who is high up and pulling in the money nothing was really done about it, no surprises there. Things are often awkward and difficult after complaints have been made and attempted to be rectified too, which can make the workplace difficult in other ways.

    Don't work somewhere that makes you miserable. Try and sort it out if you feel that way inclined, but if it's all too hard then find somewhere else. Life is too short.

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  12. #28
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    I think there is a myth that bullies are of low intellect with a chip on their shoulder, thus why they do it. But apparently that is not true, most are intellectually and emotionally intelligent and quite crafty about how they go about the bullying in order to cover their tracks and gas light their victims. So while I agree that sometimes it may be over sensitivity or misunderstandings, often it's the bully carefully laying the ground work for their defence.

    When I was young I worked in an office with a much older male boss. Not long after starting the boss was making comments to myself and other staff about the performance and work practice of the 2IC. Over the course of about 6 months the boss caught the 2IC out on things to the point he asked for his resignation or he'd be sacked. I personally agreed he needed to go. But then as time when on, there became a long line of staff he would develop a dislike of. By now I was 2IC and privy to much more info and he would essentially set up these staff until he got dirt of them, then like the first IC would force them into resignation. He then started to make staff, including myself, implicit in 'gathering evidence' against the staff. Some of this evidence was muddy at best.

    Finally I got pg and literally overnight the boss's behaviour towards me did a complete 180. he went from singing my praises and telling me I was his best worker, to introducing me as 'the pregnant one'. He would jump on me over things all the other staff did and he didn't blink an eye over. Then right before mat leave he tried his trap setting on me. Unfortunately for him I not only come out of it squeaky clean but with him looking stupid and petty in front of other managers. He was a bully. Period. If he decided he didn't like you, he'd plot to get rid of you until he did. He was highly intelligent, well educated and well respected in the field.

  13. #29
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    Default Bullying at work.. I know off topic but just need some help

    Quote Originally Posted by just her chameleon View Post
    I'm trying to word this ok... I'm getting the impression that you believe it's the victims responsibility to sort out why the bullying is happening? Aren't you a manager at work? (I may be thinking of someone ese?) How would you approach the situation if someone made a formal complaint to you about bullying?
    It's not necessarily the victims responsibility. However in the workplace we all need to be aware of other people's differences. In the very early stages of disagreement especially, I believe there is sometimes scope for individuals to nip things in the bud. In the later stages, when situations have been festering, there is a much reduced chance for resolving conflict without intervention.

    Not trying to excuse bullying. Just shed another light on how we can all possibly have a happy, healthier workplace.

    As a manager I am hoping my staff wouldn't have the opportunity to raise any bullying complaints ... I would like to think I notice any unacceptable behavior and address it before it becomes an issue/before a person has a chance to raise a complaint. If I received a complaint I would:
    - treat it with confidentiality
    - get both sides (there are always 2 sides)
    - if I determine there has been unacceptable behavior I would provide the staff member with a crystal clear guide about what specifically constitutes unacceptable behavior and what the consequence would be if the behavior was repeated
    - if either side gossiped about the complaint outside the management chain I would give them a warning
    - if there was a trend in the workplace I would organise group training in unacceptable behavior
    - depending on the offence the person may receive a warning or be dismissed
    - both sides would be offered counsellIng
    - I would try and determine if there was an external root cause of conflict and address that (stress - take some leave get counsellIng etc).

    If someone is thinking of applying for a management role then then need to demonstrate an ability to de-escalate conflict, tackle difficult situations and nip differences in the bud before they have a chance to evolve into unacceptable behavior complaints. If they can do it without requiring management support then that is a good indicator they may be suited to a management role.
    Last edited by VicPark; 19-11-2015 at 20:48.

  14. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by mummymaybe View Post

    What you are saying is it's the victims ( not sure what else to call them) fault for not fixing it..
    No, that's by what I'm saying. I'm saying if the victim wants to continue working in a place where they are subject to unacceptable behavior there *are* things they can do to *try* and *help* improve the situation. Of course there are no guarantees the efforts will work.

    It's the same as bullying in schools - all bullying is unacceptable however at the same time it's a good idea to arm victims with tools and techniques to de-escalate a situation.


 

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